Saturday, September 02, 2006

God, Do you hate me?

I've previously written about my faith, I love God with all my heart! I love being a Christian, I love Jesus, but I can't stand Christians sometimes. I feel so torn, my whole entire life when I was and wasn't in the church I always heard one thing in regards to homosexuality, God sees it as an abomination. So when I started to accept the fact that I had feelings for women, that's the first thing that popped in my mind. The night that I finally said to myself I Am a Lesbian, I asked God that night if he hated me. I don't think he does, it just doesn't make sense to me that the God I serve who knew me before I was even born, would hate me because I love women. My feelings for women are not about lust, but love. I love women; I want to spend the rest of my life with a woman. As I have created new dreams of my wedding, it's changed, it's me and the woman I love on a beach in South African surrounded by those that love us. I feel it so deeply and it kills me that I'm seen as a hypocrite because I dare love God and women too. When I was still searching my feelings I saw a documentary on LOGO about Orthodox Jewish Gays and Lesbians, what touched me the most about this documentary was this lesbian couple talking about being afraid that because of the love they shared here on earth, they wouldn't be able to make it to heaven. This documentary perfectly captured my feelings about my sexuality and my faith. I believe that God won't turn me away because of my feelings but I'm not sure, no one really is, and as much as I want to say God won't , I can't be sure. Truth is truth, I can believe all I want but in the end the truth will prevail. This is just so hard!

Today I went to a friend's house for a Taboo party and one of the words was abominable, and the other was a couple and they didn't get it. My friend's boyfriend says to her that she should have said a man and a man together or a woman and a woman are a ___. He was referencing an earlier conversation they had, and it hit me like a bullet in my heart. This is just so hard! I don't know what else to say, I'm hurting real bad right now, it just brought out so many things in me and I don't really know how to handle it.


Jason Hughes said...

I can understand the pain you feel from how certain persons read into the bible and use it as a weapon of pain against homosexual persons. As a gay man and former Christian, I have done a series about how homosexuality is referenced in the bible from a literal biblical perspective. I don't know if reading them will help you inderstand the bible in relation to your faith and your orientation or not, but if it does, here are the links so far in my series:

Homosexuality & The Bible: The Truth, Part 1: Sodom & Gomorrah
Homosexuality & The Bible: The Truth, Part 2: Levitical Law
Homosexuality & The Bible: The Truth, Part 3: David & Jonathan
Homosexuality & The Bible: The Truth, Part 4: The Words of Christ

As I have stated above, though, while I am no longer a Christian, I know of a few other bloggers who have managed to marry both their faith and their orientation in such a way as they feel no conflict and only a deep love for their god. So if the above don't help (or are unwanted), my apologies, and hopefully you will find the peace you are seeking, with or without the church.


Sly Civilian said...

the book that still is on my shelf (coming off on a regular basis for quotes and to lend to friends...) is "Amazing Grace: Stories of Gay and Lesbian Faith"

One of the negotiations that i've found the toughest isn't the queer/christian line, but the problem of where my home is within christendom. I'm perfectly welcome in several churches, i could even be ordained in the UCC if i persued it...

But I'm a Baptist, by conversion, and have no intent to change that. So church shopping in New Haven was tough...I've ended up at Christ Church Episcopal, as i'm still fond for high-church anglicanism. But i still feel in exile there. They're nice, progressive, queer friendly...and it's still not quite home.

I swear, this comment started out helpful and upbeat or something. What I want to say is that i hope, pray and beleive is that you'll work things out with God.

JrnyWmn said...

Jason, Thanks a lot for the links. Your advice is definitely appreciated, and cherished.

Sly, I'm definitely going to check that book out. I actually just bought "Spirited: Affirming the Soul and Black Gay/Lesbian Identity". I was just having a slight melt down, but I'm better now, I am realizing that I'm going to have to definitely work harder on my relationship with God. I went to a MCC church here in Kentucky, it was okay, but I miss the black church. I miss the type of church I was raised in and I guess I'm just realizing that I'm probably not going to be able to go back there.

Thanks for the advice though!

“I remember how being young and black and gay and lonely felt. A lot of it was fine, feeling I had the truth and the light and the key, but a lot of it was purely hell.” ~Audre Lorde