I've previously written about my faith, I love God with all my heart! I love being a Christian, I love Jesus, but I can't stand Christians sometimes. I feel so torn, my whole entire life when I was and wasn't in the church I always heard one thing in regards to homosexuality, God sees it as an abomination. So when I started to accept the fact that I had feelings for women, that's the first thing that popped in my mind. The night that I finally said to myself I Am a Lesbian, I asked God that night if he hated me. I don't think he does, it just doesn't make sense to me that the God I serve who knew me before I was even born, would hate me because I love women. My feelings for women are not about lust, but love. I love women; I want to spend the rest of my life with a woman. As I have created new dreams of my wedding, it's changed, it's me and the woman I love on a beach in South African surrounded by those that love us. I feel it so deeply and it kills me that I'm seen as a hypocrite because I dare love God and women too. When I was still searching my feelings I saw a documentary on LOGO about Orthodox Jewish Gays and Lesbians, what touched me the most about this documentary was this lesbian couple talking about being afraid that because of the love they shared here on earth, they wouldn't be able to make it to heaven. This documentary perfectly captured my feelings about my sexuality and my faith. I believe that God won't turn me away because of my feelings but I'm not sure, no one really is, and as much as I want to say God won't , I can't be sure. Truth is truth, I can believe all I want but in the end the truth will prevail. This is just so hard!
Today I went to a friend's house for a Taboo party and one of the words was abominable, and the other was a couple and they didn't get it. My friend's boyfriend says to her that she should have said a man and a man together or a woman and a woman are a ___. He was referencing an earlier conversation they had, and it hit me like a bullet in my heart. This is just so hard! I don't know what else to say, I'm hurting real bad right now, it just brought out so many things in me and I don't really know how to handle it.