Thursday, September 14, 2006

I want to Hug my younger self

I want to hug my younger self. I just pulled out my old journals to just see where I was at, and as I was reading my thoughts from 7 years ago, I realized how far I've come, and how much I just needed a hug. It's funny as I was reading some parts I couldn't even bare to read because they were so embarrassing, I had to skip over all the why did Shaun( the only boyfriend I've ever had, my only relationship period) break up with me parts. But overall I just wanted to give me a hug and say don't worry we're going to be alright. I want to tell my younger self that I'm beautiful and loved. I want to tell myself that all I will find peace and happiness, all I have to do is wait. I began to realize how I didn't realize how beautiful and special I really was. I wish that I hadn't spent so much of my time trying to find my knight in shining armor but instead explore my true self. I was so full of self hatred it was ridiculous, I'm still not so crazy about my body, but I don't feel the way I used to. Through all my fears of coming out to my family and friends I just feel a sense of strength as I realize I feel great, I just downloaded a song by Jason and Demarco, I downloaded their song it is well with my soul and that's how I feel my sexuality is well with my soul! I'm okay being me! It is well with my soul. I just wish that I could go back to when I was 15 and the world was scary and nothing made sense and I just want to reach out and give myself a big hug a real deep hug, I want to hug myself and let me know that it will get better. I just want to reach out to my younger me and give her a great big hug and say Baby it'll be okay!

What would you say to your younger self?


Anonymous said...

I would have said: "Misbehave more dammit! Why didn't you kiss T___ or W___ or A_____, for that matter lol. I was such a sexual wimp, then again I didn't really have anyone to guide me and tell me about safe, healthy sexuality. I would have also told myself to get contacts sooner, stop wearing that (almost all the stuff i see in old pictures), loosen up a little, and question everything! But then again, that's why it's fun to grow up, you get the bumps and bruises but they make you better.

P.S. This is your best friend, just visiting :)

Sly Civilian said...

something along the lines of hold on. I just had no idea, about orientation, about my reconversion to Christianity, about my academic path...about anything, really.

I hated the turbulance at the time, but knowing that it comes out okay lets me look back on it in a real different light.

JrnyWmn said...

best friend, I already told you, you are a hot mess! :D

Sly, I agree with you hold on is a great message. All I can say is thank God we made it through and those times are over

Jason Hughes said...

What would I say to my younger self? I am unsure, but I do know I would hate to relive those younger days, even if I did have all the answers (which I'm still looking for, so if someone could point me to the reference section...)

Remember that a lot of that past which you wish you could change made you the wonderful person you are today... and while we all like to look back with our rose-colored 20/20 vision, most of what we would change then probably wouldn't affect now much differently...

At least, that's what i tell myself :)

Perhaps with a time machine, we could test this theory... Anyone with Dr. Who's phone number? Anyone?

Another great post, jrnywmn! (I'm gonna go out on a limb here and guess that stands for "Journey Woman"?)

JrnyWmn said...

Damn it Jason you've discovered my secret identity! lol

I definitely agree with you on not reliving those days, and I even seeing their benefit. I just wish I hadn't spent so much time writing about dumb stuff!

skyscraper said...

girl, your words are making me cry! do you even realize how beautiful this is, what you wrote up here? it is so touching, so fucking moving, so original, and so heart-felt;my eyes literally teared.

and i thought of myself. and of that age. and of my life. and of my current age. and of what i may appear to other people like if they could really get inside my head and read me... and you know what? i still wanna give myself a huge hug. the me i was last year, last month, last week, last night. the me i was five minutes ago, the me i am now. and the me i will be tomorrow morning...

i realized that i'm still that scared, confused, anticipating, misunderstood, insecure, unclear, idealist, lost and lonely person that i was at 15. i need hugs. i do. lots of them. and kisses. and love. real, friendly, sincere, romantic, sexual, motherly, fatherly, sisterly... i need all of that. all the love in the world.

and i wish i could still tell myself not to worry,
not to be afraid,
not to be preoccupied with silly stuff,
not to be afraid to not fit in,
not to be afraid what the future will bring,
not to be afraid to be alone forever
not to worry what if i never
find that one and only,
sweet and loving
my soulmate;

not to be angry,
not to be vulnerable,
not to be negative...
not to be intolerant.

to love myself
to cherish myself
to respect myself
to give myself all the love and care i deserve
to think about how much i deserve love
to care to love myself first and foremost
to realize how great, beautiful, strong and unique i am.
incredible and magnificent, really...
to remember that i can turn the earth upside down if i want to

and i wish i could listen to all that,
just open up my heart and really listen to the true meaning of my own words...
and heed my own wisdom,
and follow my own advice.

oh, i wish...

thank you, jrnywmn, for this very sentimental moment. it drew me out of the pragmatic chaos of my life and made me reflect about more important issues. of self. of my self-searching and self-losing.

thank you, thank you, thank you!

p.s. these are my favorite words, "I just wanted to give me a hug and say don't worry we're going to be alright. I want to tell my younger self that I'm beautiful and loved. I want to tell myself that all I will find peace and happiness, all I have to do is wait.--so beautiful, god damn it! i love your writing--it touches my soul.

“I remember how being young and black and gay and lonely felt. A lot of it was fine, feeling I had the truth and the light and the key, but a lot of it was purely hell.” ~Audre Lorde