Wednesday, July 19, 2006

This is just too much!!

Today is an angry day!! I'm just really angry about everything, I don't know if I'm the only one who gets like that, but I'm a very passionate person. I feel deeply, I'm actually a lot more sensitive than most people realize. So when I hurt, I hurt deeply.
First off WHAT IS GOING ON WITH ISRAEL! All I can say is WHY?!?! Skyscraper and Pomegranate Queen do a much better job than I do expressing their feelings.

I hate my job my last day is the 28th so it's almost over, but I don't know if I can make it to the end. My job is one of the main points of my anger, and hurt. I hurt so much for the children at my job. They all have been through some serious things in their lives and I see them and I hurt for them. There are two girls that I want to inspire, one girl is an excellent swimmer and is focused on her future, she knows that she is meant to do more than what people expect from her, but she gets caught up. I lifeguard and she's a great swimmer, so I always joke with the kids that they should go to the Olympics, but with some serious training she could do it, and when I told her she just said to me "really, you think I can do it?" I told her that she could do it and make a mark on the swimming world, I told her when she won her gold medal she could hold up her flags representing her Mexican and Puerto Rican heritage. She looked as if no one had ever told her she was capable of greatness before and that broke my heart. Then you have this other girl who was adopted by a White woman and Black man, and as she's getting older the parent's biological daughter is getting preferential treatment because she lighter, and her hair is more wavy. I just want to tell her to take pride in the way she looks and to not forget that she is beautiful and black is beautiful.
Finally with my job which leads to a larger problem, is the rampant homophobia, it's sickening. The kids call the more effeminate boys faggot on a regular basis and the staff is silent. They say nothing and I've been trying to stop the kids, but they ignore me and still call the kids names. I don't know how much more I can take, and when it's not the kids it's the staff behind the kids back talking about how nasty the idea of two people of the same sex together is. Again I speak up only to be dismissed. I can't stand it anymore, so I call one oh my good friends, really one of my best friends, and I'm complaining about this all and her reaction breaks my heart. We bonded because we were Christians in college, I have always been more liberal and she always more conservative, and her stance on homosexuality is hard to miss, it's always been a point of contention for us, but today as I spoke with her and explained why I was so bothered by the behavior of the staff and kids at my job, she agreed that their behavior was wrong, but not their opinions. She said "they don't have to respect that lifestyle, I don't and never will" and when she said this I realized that our friendship may very well have an expiration date set, to when she finds out that I'm a lesbian. When that happens, I am going to be crushed, I love her like a sister, we've been through soo much together and she's really been there to support me in a lot of ways and I can't imagine not having her as a friend. However, I am becoming more and more convinced that our friendship will not survive. We went on spring break together along with my best friend and we talked about more trips, but she's one of the main ones that I've been terrified about coming out to I know that she will question every compliment and hug I've ever given her. I know with my head that if someone is not going to support me I should say screw them and move on with my real friends, but I don't know if I can let go of this friendship so easily.

This is just too much!!

6 comments:

Sly Civilian said...

if i might presume...something that has always been very meaningful in talking about queerness in Christian contexts is Acts 10...the story of Peter's vision. The phrase "do not call anything impure that God has made clean," has always just stuck out to me as one of the clearest visions of the gospel message ever written.

Keep strong with this...you're doing the right thing to interrupt the homophobia of these kids. Maybe you can't stop it, but for some child, they're going to see you standing up ...and maybe that gives them the courage to be who they're meant to be.

skyscraper said...

"I can't really blame my friends, family and acquaintances because it's my fault. I created this mask; I created the person that I was to be viewed as. I constructed this personality, I did not allow people to get close enough to me to see the real me. I only allowed people to see a certain amount of vulnerability, and now it's biting me in my ass.
So now that I have come to this realization, what now? Where do I go from here? How do I break free from people's conceptions of me?"


none of this is your fault. i think i've written here already that it is the 'fault' of the society we live in, and of what rules it dictates. but by no means, to MY mind, do i think it is the fault of yours or your friends or your families.

it's easy to internalize pain. to say that you're to be blamed for everthing, because you're gay, weird, unselfish, unrighteous...

you feel what i'm saying? you can just never make ppl happy. so, you gotta live for yourself and what makes you feel happy ( and i mean it in a completely non-selfish, altruistic way!).

helping others makes you happy? if yes, do it! helping disadvantaged kids who have fewer opportunities? sure, do it! helping women from low-income, politically-socially caused adversities--do it!

skyscraper said...
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skyscraper said...

no, it's not easy to do shit that you feel like doing.

on the contrary, you'll get scrutinezid for it, unless it complies with the rules of the mainstream society... and especially if you sound correct..

i believe i've already shared with you numerous times why some "friends" are better to lose upon coming out, than others. and that those "friends" aren't really your friends initially, and that you're better off without them..

well, i was just sharing my own experience, and anything one chooses is their own business. i've had most of my friend turn away from me when i came out, and even continuously so as time went by... i've lost important family members, most of my friends' love, respect, and intimacy.

but hey, 8 years down the road look at me: i'm still a lesbian, i'm stronger than ever, and what they thought of me hadn't bothered me too much; hardly at all, actually. i realize that tons of people in this world are too brainwashed and closed-minded--but again, is it my fault???????????

i think not.

sorry i ramble, and ramble, and ramble as you know--i must be getting fucking old... i'm only 27 tho ;)))

my real point is: [and again, i thinkg i've expressed this here repeatedly] only people who really love you, will accept you; and only people who really accept you, will love you. and fuck everybody else. just feel sorry for them, and pray for them to reach the level of consciousness that you have; and to see that there's more to life than just being a 'good christian', or 'bad christian'...

sly, i love you, and you know i do: but i have no fuckin' idea what the fuck [i know i curse a lot, but that's what i enjoy, and it brings me satisfaction, like a drug... ;)))] you were talking about. of course i'm in the least not familiar with the bible, but why did you need to quote that 'sacred' text in the first place, dear?

still not getting it. no hate/criticism meant [at least not yet ;)))]. just truly clueless....

skyscraper said...

jrnywmn:

it's NOT your fault. they've constructed the image of you that they you were "supposed" to be, and what they expected you to be, according to YOUR and THEIR worldview. you were just imposed it arbitrarily, and evidently, you've internalized it for your own bad.

"what other people think about me is their problem." that's all i have to say to myself when i feel in similar to yours situations. every morning. every time i look in my eyes in the mirror, i have to remind myself of that. to be beyond all of that lowly judgement and control; to be as free as a radical woman of color can be...

anyways, i think i'm not making sense, which is why i'm leaving...

thank you for being honest as usual, girl!!!!!!!!!!!!

sly: best wishes! i really am not getting any of hte biblical references, but then again i never have, or haven't ever seen their validity.

nothing personal, as always, of course...

i admire your patience... again,

1. i never attempted or hope to; 2. i
but in fact, i say that to myself every day. and there's nothing wrong with that...if it feels awkward, make it be as awkward as much as possible (with mo malicious intent} their fault.

that's all. i might make too much sense rightnow--i've had a couple of drinks. but i'm always with you.

cheers.

prolly for the next 3-4 months. unless i get some cryptic messages from you and sly...

happy labor day [whatever that means; prolly another racist holiday]. i'll talk to you when i'm outta this law school prison

skyscraper said...

it IS too much, girl. and forgive me for only seeing this now. i've been busy trying to figure out why the hell the world isn't reacting to these atrocities, and what the hell is happening in the first place, outside of the lens of the U.S. media...

and being superficial and caring about my own petty life--how to move to my school's vicinity and such...

but sooner or later, here i go... and i feel everything you have to say.

“I remember how being young and black and gay and lonely felt. A lot of it was fine, feeling I had the truth and the light and the key, but a lot of it was purely hell.” ~Audre Lorde