Letter to my former friend on the anniversary of her mother’s death

Letter to my former friend on the anniversary of her mother’s death,

I don’t know what to say to you. We were really close and I trusted you more than I do most people. I let you in where I hadn’t anyone else; I took a chance with you and our group of friends and you more than others. We were friends, we were sisters I relied on you, and needed you. But, you couldn’t be there for me 100% . You wanted to pick and choose which parts of me you acknowledged and befriended and I can’t handle that, and it kills me. I really miss you, there are so many jokes no one else gets and so many times you helped me through that I could definitely use you for now in my life. But, a lot of those situations involve women, women who are Queer like me, who love other women like me, and I know you don’t want to be involved in those situations. I know you won’t go with me to a pride celebration or a random discussion or documentary. When I find the love of my life, we can’t express our love in front of you without you being uncomfortable. I wanted to be auntie to your kids, but will you allow your kids to come over my house? Can my partner and I sleep in the same bed at your house? I know that the answers to these questions aren’t the ones that I want to hear. Because of all these things we can’t be friends. I wish it was different, I wish I could talk to you about the girl I met that I think is hot, but I can’t. I know your faith comes above everything else and your faith does not permit you to “encourage” my lifestyle. So our friendship has to end.

Despite all this, I still love you like a sister and I loved your mother like she was my blood. I grieved when I first heard about her death, and I grieved even more when I saw the hurt on your face. So because I loved her so much I couldn’t let her day she died past another year without saying something to you, because I know she wanted us to look after each other. So that’s why I contacted you, but I just can’t handle dealing with our issues anymore. I can’t handle you saying you want to hear from me, because you can’t handle all of me.

Heathen

Its Sunday and I'm home, not going to church just like I haven't gone in the past few months. I didn't even go to church on Easter Sunday. That's the first time in many many years that I haven't even gone to church on Easter and I wonder how did I get to this point. I used to be such a super Christian, I used to be in Church more often than not, Church was my life. Now here I am a few years later and I'm not going to church at all. I miss going to church I really do, but the fact is that church is no longer a place to find peace for me, its just another place on the long list of places that give me anxiety.

I guess that's what happens when you're so deeply entrenched in the Christian community and you see all the homophobia and then you come out. Because no matter what anyone says I was there, I know what people say behind closed doors. I know that I could walk into most churches and I would be greeted graciously, but they'd be praying for my deliverance from homosexuality. Hell, some of my friends right now are praying for me to be delivered. So yeah, I've become a heathen. I'm not afraid to learn and respect other faiths even :gasp: ones with multiple deities. I don't know if I'll ever go back to church, but I want to, only time will tell.

Friday Lustfulness

Its been a while since I've featured a beautiful woman on my site. So to set your weekend off right, here's someone I've been lusting after for a while. None other than the beautiful and intelligent Melissa Harris-Lacewell.

She first came to my attention when she murdered Gloria Steinem in a debate on Democracy Now! It was so beautiful she definitely represented for Black feminists everywhere. She's since been on Rachel Maddow and a million other places spreading her knowledge and beauty. You can catch her on her blog or follow her on Twitter, which I highly suggest...she's funny too! ::swoon::

The Other Side of Paradise

I just finished Staceyann Chin's memoir and it was amazing, as donyea would say that's the most beautifulest story I've ever read. After finishing it I want to give her a hug and not out of a sense of pity but I think I want the hug more for me. She makes me feel like everything is going to be alright, like I can do this crazy thing called life. I don't even know what to say, I don't know how to accurately capture the way I'm feeling. While I was reading much of her story I just couldn't believe that one person could go through so much and still be so amazing. When I saw her at the reading she oozed poise, confidence sexiness and so much more. I sat there in awe of her as a human being and a black lesbian and a survivor. She's just so fucking amazing (which I realize I've said 10 times before). While I've never been abandoned by both parents her story speaks to me. I don't even think it's her story as much as it's her voice. Reading her words and thoughts I got it, I understood her, I saw me.

Her book only goes up to her leaving Jamaica, and I wanna say that I understood or sympathized with her feelings about leaving home and taking control over her life but I more than I understood I felt her words as much as I felt my own when I finally left home. I don't know how to talk about it anymore than I already have but I really want to hug her, for me to know that she's real and she really made it.

So run don't walk and get the book, it's amazing!

Why I still get Starstruck

Friday my wonderful new friend invited me to this Queer party, and I said sign me up lol. What she didn't tell me was that Olive and Hanifah were going to be there, and you all know how star struck I get. I know, I know they're normal people and my friend has confirmed this to me since she actually knows them, but I still can't help it. The party in general was really good for me in more than just fulfilling the need to get out.

When I got there one of the first people I saw was Hanifah and, I couldn't speak (typical of me). I wasn't prepared to see Hanifah right outside the door or run into Olive inside. It's hard to put it all into words but that night was great on so many levels so much about that party felt right and running into 2 of the people who literally helped me through it all was a little too much to handle. Olive didn't make it any better by complimenting me on my gap, which I actually hate, but she made me feel good about it which is rare, because have I mentioned I absolutely hate my gap. I started to think about why I still get starstruck by them, and I realized that its going to be a while until I'm not completely starstruck by them.

When I was in KY I was so lonely and I was trying to figure out what it means to be Black gay and female. I literally was coming out while I was in Kentucky to almost everyone in my life. When I got there, there were only about 2 people who knew that I was gay. In hindsight coming out in Kentucky wasn't the best idea since I had no support system down there and the friends I made, while all Queer friendly were all straight. I had no one to talk about what I was through with that could really understand. So like any woman in the 21st century I relied on the Internet , I watched vlogs and read blogs for my sense of community and direction. They were my lifeline and hope that there was something out there beyond my small world in KY. So I soaked it all in , I learned about my community from vlogs the most important being UPeople. I consumed everything they put out and sighed with a deep yes, it felt right. In my crazy time in KY so little felt right and made sense but when I was alone in my apt feeling like a freak I could go online and find some sense of self, and community.

This path of self discovery and being comfortable with myself definitely isn't finished, especially since I feel like everything about Kentucky inhibited me from embracing myself completely. So when I moved back and subsequently to Brooklyn, I began to soak up everything I could in Black Queer life, and its been great so far. So when I see Olive and Hanifah out or at one of their events, I know they're regular people that you can just go up and say hi to. I have once in the past (the only time I've had the courage), but its still hard. I was so excited just from the whole night and especially seeing Olive and Hanifah, that I was giddy. My brother thought I was drunk when I came in. After when he realized I wasn't and was talking about it. He had a perfect analogy for it. He said it was like a young MC and just me Jay Z lol, and he's right.

So yeah its really hard for me to just be all laid back and casual when I see people, who literally helped me get through the hell known as Kentucky. Also how do you say this someone without sounding all overdramatic and crazy. So yes, I will absolutely still get starstruck, because that's just not something you get over too quickly.

Oh and have I mentioned that they are two of the most beautiful women I've EVER seen. I'm just saying so in this spirit you should also vote for them for AfterEllen's Hot 100 and 10 Hottest Women of Color.

I'm Going On

Damn its been almost 2 months since my last post. So sorry my dear blog friends. A lot has been going on with me these past few months, and I'm in the mood to share lol. You're going to have to forgive me, but I can already see that this is setting up to be an extreme stream of consciousness post, so bare with me.

About a month ago, I finally got tired of being miserable and depressed all the time and decided to do something about it. I entered therapy and I have to say that it was one of the best decisions I've ever made. Its really helping. I searched for a nice Black Queer therapist and found an amazing one that I really get along with. Because nothing sucks more than going to a therapist that annoys the hell out of you. My therapist is fucking HOT I'm just saying lol. But, I stopped crushing on her about 2 weeks ago lol. Anyway therapy is a completely new experience for me, because I get to go in a room for an hour every week and talk about myself, and its good but also so weird. Its a rare occasion that WOC allow ourselves the time and the space to be vulnerable and feel everything we're feeling. So I go into the little room and I talk and I'm affirmed and its a fuckin' crazy experience. Today as I left therapy I realized that I was feeling lighter than I was when I walked in. I'm happy that I bit the bullet and got some help and you know what I think that I might actually be alright.... some day lol.

Ladies and gentlemen I finally made a Queer friend that lives near me, I know I know Amazing right. I met her at this training for Community Organizers at the Audre Lorde Project (which side note they're amazing!) and we've been chilling and she's great. Its great to be able to talk to someone who just gets a lot of shit you're going through. We're complex people so not everyone is going to get you all the time, but I feel like my Queer side has been a little neglected and I feel like its getting the necessary attention now.

I have so many posts that aren't completed up here on my dashboard, so I've been thinking of posting, but now I'm finally getting to it. Don't worry I'll be lusting more soon to share with you all, but I just needed to write and get this out. I'm remembering more why I started this blog I needed a place where I can get out a lot of the thoughts in my mind, and I've missed this so I'm going to be blogging more. So stay tuned.

Here's Gnarls Barkley's video for Going On, why? Because its a great song, video and listening to them got me to finally complete a post

Gnarls Barkley - Going On
Uploaded by zegonzag

oh p.s. I'm 25 now !!! Watch out now! lol