Sunday, June 18, 2006

Peace

Okay so I just had sort of a surreal moment. I was thinking about my confusion over my sexuality which has definitely turned in to a fight. I have been fighting this every step of the way. As I think back over my life I have come to realize that I have always been fighting my feelings, and for years I did an excellent job at suppressing it. However, I'm done fighting. As I was thinking this I hear a commercial for the series the dead zone come on, and it says "this may not be the life that you have chosen, but this is you destiny”, I know it's pretty cheesy but I'm becoming okay with this. I've been watching a lot of those documentaries on logo, and they've really helped. I don't know how exactly I'm going to define myself, but I do know that I am attracted to women. I don't know what that makes me and I don't really care, all I know is that I am me. I'm not sure when I'll be able to share my new found epiphany with the people close to me, but I feel better knowing that I no longer have to fight with me. I'm learning to find some sort of peace in my life, and that's a very positive turn. I don't know how my life will turn out, but I'm going to follow my heart.

3 comments:

Changeit said...

Interesting analysis...

skyscraper said...

yay, another conscious lesbian sister of color in the making!! wooo-hoooo...
;)

seriously though, i can relate to what you're going through because that's how my own coming out happened too--years ago. frightening, nervous, exciting, hesitant but beautiful and enticing all along the way.

and when i finally did come out to myself first and foremost, that was the biggest moment of happiness, liberation and clarity i had ever had in my life.

you're right in deciding to follow your heart, take things slowly, see how everything unfolds and then your feelings will tell you what to do.

good luck!

Kilimanjaro: High and Lo said...

wonderful!! much love

“I remember how being young and black and gay and lonely felt. A lot of it was fine, feeling I had the truth and the light and the key, but a lot of it was purely hell.” ~Audre Lorde