Saturday, June 24, 2006

Longing for Bliss

I am so sickened by so many things in this world. I try to watch TV, but it's disgusting. I turn to CNN and hear them talk about the brutal rapes of women in the Congo and it sickens me because no one cares. Today at work I had to listen to a conversation about how women who dressed skimpily are "asking to be raped". They go on to say not to excuse this behavior, but what do they expect. What was most sickening is that it was a woman saying this, and what disgusted me even more is my silence. I said nothing, I wanted to yell, scream, and curse them out for their insensitivity. I had so many emotions going through me all at once, I hate that I sat there in silence. Then as I'm watching TV tonight, I see Bill Bellamy talking about how glad he was the Coby Bryant got off, he joked about how he was in a hotel and he would not let a beautiful service person in because he didn't want her to accuse him of rape. It's overwhelming; I don't know how to deal with all of this new anger. I don't know how to live in this world aware. I don't know how to deal with this anger I feel constantly.
I just feel helpless, at work I hear the kids constantly use homophobic language, and I am the only one that speaks up. Their staff just sits there, and sometimes they cosign on what's being said. I guess today was just one of the worst days. Besides the girls are asking to be raped, when discussing our mayor possibly running for governor the woman says "that undercover faggot". I was stunned she said it with such force and hate; I just sat there saying nothing. This is not the first time I’ve heard such things, but I don’t know how much more I can take. I heard a 13 year old girl call a 5 year old girl a “lesbo pervert” because she accidentally hit her butt while swimming in the pool. What does their staff do? They call the 13 yr old once, and when she doesn’t answer they drop it. What message did that 5 yr old just get? She will internalize that message of hate and carry it her whole life. I just want to go one day with out being struck by an ism.
Days like today make me believe in the phrase Ignorance is Bliss. I always joke with my professor that she’s the reason that I’m angry about everything, because she opened my eyes to oppressions other than racism. It’s true there is a difference now in me; I can see clearly now and sometimes I wish that I couldn’t. I worked at my job prior to first meeting my professor and I enjoyed my time there, now I get sick each time I go there. I agree with Nubian that racism is here to stay, and every other ism for that matter.


skyscraper said...

hi girl,

i hear you so much about being frustrated with everything that goes on around on a daily basis: ignorant, wacky people with their fucked-up, racist, sexist and paranoid attitudes, tv, news, internet--everywhere i also seem to be running into the same old vicious cycle of hate, intolerence and fucking stupidity. and i know that this all can get very overwhelming and overpowering and simply disenchanting and depressing.
and you know that you understand everything, and you know other people who understand it too, but at the same time there's nothing you can really do to change anything on a large, visible, significant scale. and then you're only left with cursing and hating in return. that's something fabulosa mujer wrote about lately, and myself too as you've seen on my blog today--i can't help but feel helpless, lost, defeated and fucking powereless.

i work with some most conservative and biggest covert racists in the world and i'm so sick of taking their insults every god damn day! and all i wanna do is, too, yell at them and tell them how ridiculous they are in their little white shells, thinking that they're the best of the best and everybody else is scum... but i can't. i mean, i could but i choose not too. mostly because i don't wanna get even more frustrated and nervous because of them, but also because i feel like i can find much better, positive, ways to channel my emergy and if i have to educate some ignorant white people, let it be those people who want to be educated, so my effort and time won't go in vain.

and that's how i felt about blogging yesterday and today--things might still change, i think i'm changing my mind already, but i just need this respite right now and i need to try new things to get energized and revitalized, if at all possible.

thanks for stopping by. and thanks for your support. after reading all the comments that friends left today, i think i might as well continue--i hadn't realzed that what i had to say was so much respected and appreciated.

it's good to have friends, albeit "virtual" ones...

i like your blog a lot. i'm going to link you, OK?


JrnyWmn said...

Thank you soo much Sky, really you don't know how much your comments mean to me. I'm glad to see that you'll be be sticking around.It really is frustrating dealing with ignorant people on a day to day basis, I've just decided to speak up more at work, and let them know certain language would not be tolerated around me. And I would be honored if you linked to me.

skyscraper said...

i already did (link you, i mean). i think your blog is very important and i like what you write about. i think you have a strong and clear voice and i think it needs to be heard broader and louder. you know we all women of color bloggers started out like that--first by ourselves, lost and confused and intimidated in the blogosphere, but then we somehow found one, then two, then three others like ourselves, then we made each other stronger and more confident the more we were linking each other.

that's the only way it can work, for us not to be silenced and invisible--to support and extend each other a firm hand and shoulder to lean on.

don't mention it. i hope to see you around more and to read some more of your fascinating words...

“I remember how being young and black and gay and lonely felt. A lot of it was fine, feeling I had the truth and the light and the key, but a lot of it was purely hell.” ~Audre Lorde