Tuesday, August 10, 2010

I decided to fight

So I've been in therapy for a while now. I've been trying to get a handle on my life and more importantly this depression that has been damn near crippling me for 2 years. Last thursday night I was having a really bad night. I was filled with tons of self doubt and anxiety. Oddly enough I've also had a therapy assignment to list 7 positive things about myself. One for each day in between therapy sessions, realizing how hard it was for me sort of sent me in to a tail spin of shame and anxiety.

The next day (friday ) I was supposed to go see Bassey Ikpi perform in NYC and then I was going to stay with my BFF/Wife and then go to this play. Nice full weekend, but I felt like doing none of it. I just wanted to stay at home in bed and curl up with a good book. I didn't want to move, think or be bothered with people. Especially when I was feeling so broken and raw. But, I pushed myself. I made myself get up and out of the house despite how I felt, and despite how I felt I looked. I pushed myself despite the overwhelming weight of my depression. And I'm so glad I did. I felt like Bassey was in my bedroom the night before and was witnessing my complete breakdown. It was like her poems were in my head and they touched me so deeply words can not describe. I was also feeling very exposed and anxious about being there by myself. My wife couldn't come with me because she couldn't find a babysitter. Luckily I saw the one person that I knew in real life from twitter dopegirlfresh. She's such an amazing person and so warm and friendly. That I no longer felt alone and devastated. The evening was a hit, and the next day I got to spend it with my adorable godson and my wife, it reminded me that she's my wife and best friend for a reason (not like I could forget) just those few hours in the presence of someone truly safe watching Frida was healing. After that I went out for a peanut butter and jelly doughnut and then caught the last half of Sharon Bridgforth's Blood Pudding. I left feeling better and rejuvenated.

I wanted to keep that feeling, so when all the negative shaming thoughts began to creep back in to my life. I began to change the subject in my internal monologue. I started thinking of better things or just something else to stop the pain I put myself through. And who would have guessed but it's actually been working. I don't feel completely free of what ails me, but it's better. By stopping the shame I'm able to breathe a little bit easier and I've been able to keep some those wonderful positive vibes from this weekend. I'm determined to be happy and I've decided to fight to keep myself feeling better. I've realized that all too often once that first wave of depression hits me, I've tended to lay down and give in. No more I'm going to try and fight to be happy and not struggle so much to do small things. Who knows one day it just may work. I've decided to do the work that's necessary to get better, and that's actually something that I took away from Bassey, I'm going to be committed to getting better, because I can't live like this forever.

It was after this poem that I texted my wife and said "She's trying to kill me." Yeah this poem is just..... yeah

1 comment:

@laura_luna said...

Sister (or fairy godmother in my case) please know that I speak for all of us (your on-line/twitter/fb) friends when I say that we're here to lift you up whenever you need it. If we can't count on each other, who can we count on? I love you (really I totally admire/love you as a friend/sister) and am commited to walking WITH you (because like a lot of us, I too suffer from clinical depression)on this journey towards happiness.

“I remember how being young and black and gay and lonely felt. A lot of it was fine, feeling I had the truth and the light and the key, but a lot of it was purely hell.” ~Audre Lorde