Monday, March 29, 2010

Helloooooo 26

As I write this I'm 30 mins away from 26. I was looking over my old posts, to see my bday post from last year and I didn't even post. I was currently deep in a funk. Trying my hardest not to completely fall apart. Well here I am at 26 and things are getting better. I just got back from an amazing weekend with 2 of my favorite people in the world. I was able to be surrounded by truly genuine people who radiated positivity and I'm better for it. So this year, I'm determined to make changes. I'm really going to work on pulling myself out of this hole I've dug, I'm no longer just going to consider climbing out, I'm going to put in the work.

My birthday doesn't really feel special this year, it just seems like another day, nothing for me to be excited. I'm not gonna lie part of this is due to a wave of depression I'm currently fighting, but I'm trying to look beyond myself and my current situation. So I'm not 100% better, but I'm on the mend. I'm feeling better about my life and the decision I've made. I'm not where I want to be, and I'm not yet at the point to say that I'm happy that I am who I am here, but I've done what I have needed to in order to remain relatively sane. So this is how I'm entering 26, fighting off a wave of depression I feel creeping, but I'm still hopeful and positive about where I'm going to go from here. So welcome 26 I'm sure it's going to be a hell of a ride.

Tuesday, March 02, 2010

This path

So last night despite feeling great most of the day, I started to feel a little down, so I pulled out some books, I needed something to make me feel better, so I grabbed a couple of Audre Lorde books, but I was having a hard time concentrating. As I was scrambling to find something to hang on to, to make it through this dark spot. I started thinking that I needed healing words. I wrote it down in my journal. I wrote I need healing words, from strong women who have been through it all so I can know that I can make it. After writing I started to feel a little bit better, and then as I was skimming through the Audre's Cancer Journals and I come to this article that was written exactly 5 years before I was born. On March 30, 1979 she wrote about her mastectomy and her fear that she'd never regain the pleasure that she got from that right breast that was removed. She wrote :

"... That sense has completely passed away, as I have come to realize that that well of feeling was within me. I alone own my feelings. I can never lose that feeling because I own it, because it comes out of myself. I can attach it anywhere I want to, because my feelings are apart of me, my sorrow and my joy.
I would never have chosen this path, but I am very glad to be who I am, here."
~Audre Lorde

I love that whole passage but especially that last part where she says I would never have chosen this path, but I am very glad to be who I am, here. How amazingly strong and self assured. Even through a horrible trying time, she was able to see through it all and cling on to her own sense of self. Beneath all of her pain, there was a deep love and acceptance of herself and every aspect of her. That's amazing, I know it's something I don't have yet, but hopefully I will be there one day. I'm beginning to realize that there is no sense in bemoaning where I'm at in my life or the many paths my life has taken me down, because beneath it all. I've always been me, and I need to learn to connect to myself more and not be side tracked by everything else, even my own feelings because they don't control me, I control my feelings.

Sigh I just love her, and I'm grateful for the revelations that came to me last night, hopefully someone out there will be similarly blessed.

Monday, March 01, 2010

Even a little is still better

These past 2 years have been really really rough on me. I've been in one of the deepest depressions of my life, but thankfully I can say even though it's been rough, it hasn't been the worst. Anyway today I realized that I'm feel a little bit better. I'm not 100% yet, but I feel myself creeping out of my hole. I've noticed more bright days than dark so I'm feeling optimistic. Gnarls Barkley has a song that actually describes where I'm at perfectly.

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My favorite line of the entire song is "even a little is still better". This song is just perfect right now. Enjoy and here are the rest of the lyrics

"A Little Better"

Now I can sing you the storyline
And if you like my story fine
But ain't none of the glory mine
See my life was a lonely one
And I was still momma's only son
With no idea what I'm gon' become
And I didn't have long to know
That you don't have to be grown to go
I could have died so long befo'
Then I finally saw the sign
And I made it on down the line
One step at a time

I feel better!
I can smile at it now, I feel better
Ohhhh, better!
And even a little is still better
Oh, have mercy on me

Ohhh it's probably plain to see
That I got a whole lot of pain in me
And it will always remain in me
So cold, it's a cryin shame
Yet here I am, tryin again
Cause I refuse to die in vain
The circumstances put soul in me
And there ain't no holdin me
I've got a heart made of gold in me
Hah, can you believe this is where I've been?
And when adversity comes again
I'll deal with it then

I feel better!
I can laugh at it now, I feel better, heh heh
Ohhhh, better!
And even a little is still better
Oh, have mercy on me-heeeeeeee

Ah-ahhh-hahhh-ah yeahhh
Mmmmmmmmmm, ohhhhhhh-oh-ohhhh!

I said everything's fine, you can take your time
What would be on your mind, if you knew you was dyin
I would wanna just feel this ah-one more time
I said everything's fine, take yo' time
What would be on your mind, if you knew you was dyin
I would wanna just feel this ah-one more time
I wanna thank you morning sun
I wanna thank you lowly dirt
Now I know I'm not the only one
I, I wanna thank you friendly ghost
When all the calls were close
It seems like you cared the most
I, I wanna thank you Mom and Dad
For hurtin me so bad
But you're the best I ever had
I, I wanna thank you... [fades]

“I remember how being young and black and gay and lonely felt. A lot of it was fine, feeling I had the truth and the light and the key, but a lot of it was purely hell.” ~Audre Lorde