Aunt Elaine

I lost my aunt Sunday, and I'm really just searching for the meaning in all of this. I have a lot more I can say but I just can't right now. I just wanted to write this down somewhere that my aunt one of the most amazing, wonderful and caring women ever to walk this earth is gone. I think everyone should know, because she was just that amazing. So here's to you Aunt Elaine, the world will be less bright now that you're gone.

So simple

So I've been thinking that I want to blog more constructively about my depression. More than just depressed type posts like the last one (which I honestly didn't realize how depressed I sounded til later). I've been talking to a few people about depression this week and in particular the one and only miss Laura Luna and it felt good to get it out and talk about it. She also sent me a link to Kate Bornstein's twitter page where she was live tweeting from a femme conference workshop on dealing with mental illness, and she was preaching let me tell you. I posted this one quote on my tumblr and I feel like I need to read it everyday. She said "If you've got a mental illness and you're still alive, you're doing well." So simple yet so profound.

So I'm going to try and blog more regularly and constructively about my depression and anxiety, and not just wade in it. So something I've been dealing with today is trying to figure out what I'm going to wear tomorrow to go to this free concert in central park. I'm going with my BFF/wife and her new boo, and I think her friend from her hometown. So basically I don't need to impress any of them lol. However, where my depression has taken me in these past 2 years is to a place where getting up and getting dressed requires a lot of energy, dedication to fight all the negative thoughts I throw at myself. When I can't make myself feel good enough to get out or just push through it , I stay home in my comfort zone.

I'm getting better about not hiding away in my room, but I still do that a lot. It's where I feel most comfortable most days. However, this is not good for me. The more I sit in one room and don't leave, the more crazy I feel. It's hard to distinguish between my normal melancholy sometimes and feeling down right crazy. The isolation really lends itself increasing my feelings of self doubt and loathing. So now I force myself to get up and get out. I'm not doing great all the time. I'm about 50/50 at this point, but it's better than only leaving the house to go to therapy. This week I went to the grocery store, the book store and a restaurant. I've got to start my walking again, which was getting me out daily. But, the point is I'm doing better. I'm getting up and doing things with people who I care about and care about me. That is healthy and positive, so when I feel more inclined to go back in my room and hide instead of getting out. I have to remind myself about how great it feels to do it. I remind myself about the other weekend and how refreshed I felt.

Dealing with depression is both simple and very complicated. The things that hold me captive aren't really complex when you get down to examining them. They're very simple, but there are many of them and they affect every area of my life, so that's what makes them complicated. So in order to fight this depression, I have to do simple things like getting out of the house and physically seeing people. So simple but it makes a big difference. So now I'm going to bed and I'm looking forward to a good day around people.

Hope for the future

• One day I will be able to have better control over my emotions.
  
• One day I will be able to express myself clearly and with eloquence.
  
• One day a bad cake and missing container won't send me over the edge.
  
• One day I'll be able to use my emotions to create rather than destroy myself.
  
• One day I'll be really and truly happy.
  

I decided to fight

So I've been in therapy for a while now. I've been trying to get a handle on my life and more importantly this depression that has been damn near crippling me for 2 years. Last thursday night I was having a really bad night. I was filled with tons of self doubt and anxiety. Oddly enough I've also had a therapy assignment to list 7 positive things about myself. One for each day in between therapy sessions, realizing how hard it was for me sort of sent me in to a tail spin of shame and anxiety.

The next day (friday ) I was supposed to go see Bassey Ikpi perform in NYC and then I was going to stay with my BFF/Wife and then go to this play. Nice full weekend, but I felt like doing none of it. I just wanted to stay at home in bed and curl up with a good book. I didn't want to move, think or be bothered with people. Especially when I was feeling so broken and raw. But, I pushed myself. I made myself get up and out of the house despite how I felt, and despite how I felt I looked. I pushed myself despite the overwhelming weight of my depression. And I'm so glad I did. I felt like Bassey was in my bedroom the night before and was witnessing my complete breakdown. It was like her poems were in my head and they touched me so deeply words can not describe. I was also feeling very exposed and anxious about being there by myself. My wife couldn't come with me because she couldn't find a babysitter. Luckily I saw the one person that I knew in real life from twitter dopegirlfresh. She's such an amazing person and so warm and friendly. That I no longer felt alone and devastated. The evening was a hit, and the next day I got to spend it with my adorable godson and my wife, it reminded me that she's my wife and best friend for a reason (not like I could forget) just those few hours in the presence of someone truly safe watching Frida was healing. After that I went out for a peanut butter and jelly doughnut and then caught the last half of Sharon Bridgforth's Blood Pudding. I left feeling better and rejuvenated.

I wanted to keep that feeling, so when all the negative shaming thoughts began to creep back in to my life. I began to change the subject in my internal monologue. I started thinking of better things or just something else to stop the pain I put myself through. And who would have guessed but it's actually been working. I don't feel completely free of what ails me, but it's better. By stopping the shame I'm able to breathe a little bit easier and I've been able to keep some those wonderful positive vibes from this weekend. I'm determined to be happy and I've decided to fight to keep myself feeling better. I've realized that all too often once that first wave of depression hits me, I've tended to lay down and give in. No more I'm going to try and fight to be happy and not struggle so much to do small things. Who knows one day it just may work. I've decided to do the work that's necessary to get better, and that's actually something that I took away from Bassey, I'm going to be committed to getting better, because I can't live like this forever.

It was after this poem that I texted my wife and said "She's trying to kill me." Yeah this poem is just..... yeah

Dinner tonight

I love to cook, and I've been posting pics of my food creations on my tumblr. I've been neglecting this blog so I decided to post some more of my recipes here as well.

Tonight I'll be attempting Indian and Indian inspired food. Ala my favorite on the next food network star Aarti Sequeira and of course my consistent favorite Giada.I love Giada, ask anyone that knows me, I talk about her like I know her.

From Giada I'll be making Citrus Rice Salad and Trinidadian Stewed chicken

From Aarti I'm trying her Baked Samosas minus the chicken.

My mom's a vegetarian so I like to have as many of the dishes be meat free as possible. I always try to have a meat too for the meat eaters, but personally I don't always need to have meat with every meal. So we'll see how this all turns out.