I've been thinking a lot about the path I've taken in my life. Specifically the people that I have cut out of my life. I tend to do that, a lot. But, recently I've been thinking about the people who were connected to my more conservative evangelical days. After coming out, I cut myself off from that part of my life and most everyone who was a part of it. I needed to be far away from the old me, the me who felt caged in a life that was a times fulfilling, but ultimately left me wanting. So I not only left the church, but I also left a lot of the people associated with it. Now I'm not going to lie, some of those people I needed to let go. They were no good for me on any level and I tolerated a lot of their behavior because it was the "Christian" thing to do, but in the past couple of weeks I've been dreaming about them, and I've also had the urge to go back to Church. But, I can never go back to the kind of church that I went to before, because I'm 100% sure that I will not be accepted. So in order to go back I have to find a new church a completely different type of church. However, that's not what I really want. I want to be able to fully integrate the old and new me, but two things that are diametrically opposed can't live in harmony... Can they?
How do you go on when you've turned your back on everything you were taught to believe? The more I think about it, it's not so much the people I miss even though my heart aches for some of them. But, it's more about the feeling I had in church and I don't think I can get that back. Because despite what I've been told since from people I respect. Everything I was taught tells me that I can't go back without changing parts of me that just can't change.
