Sunday, October 29, 2006

Community

Last night I had a dream that I was sitting around and some kid was saying something about Lesbians going to hell, and other stupid stuff, and I went to jump across the table and choke him, but just as I was about to reach his throat, this lesbian girl I met, grabbed my feet and pulled me back. When I told my friend about this she asked if I had been feeling the heterosexism strong lately, and of course my answer was YEAH! She said it might have something to do with me not being able to express my justifiable rage.

When I started writing this post, I was thinking that I needed a role model, when I do, but it's more than that I need a community. I'm so thankful for the blog world, but unfortunately most of my time isn't spent here. I'm in a new city, and I feel alone, I have no community. I'm an outsider in my own Black community, because I'm a lesbian, because I'm a feminist, shit because I open my damn mouth and let these things be known. There are some really nice people in my department, but no one I really connect with, and if there is a connection it only lasts to a certain point because they don't get everything, and I constantly feel like the other.
My feeling like this began when I realized that despite my effort I had become THAT girl. I'm the lesbian, feminist, northern girl. I was initially fooled in to some false sense of comfort because I was surrounded by Black people, and White people who at least got the way race plays out in society. I felt comfortable, but it didn't last, because I soon became aware of the fact that I didn't fit the “Black” mold. It's like they had their pre set mold of Black Female, and I don't fit it. Now don't get me wrong I like not fitting the mold, but there is so much more that comes along with not fitting in the mold. My experiences thus far, have given me more of a focus in my research; I'm writing two papers on different aspects of Black lesbian identity.
When I was home, I had my friends, I had support, I had outlets to a thriving Queer community, a train ride away and ready for me to explore, but as soon as I found it I had to move 900 miles away. I'm surrounded by people who just don't get me, and don't even have an idea about what if feels like to be young, Black, queer and female. I get so fucking tired of being the other, and having to qualify my queerness, it's like they have a check list of what a Black Lesbian is supposed to look, dress and act like, and I don't fit that either. I'm not a separatist by any means, but I just get tired of being THE lesbian. When I came to this program I thought everything was going to be better because I would no longer be in a situation where I was the only minority, but I forgot that being the triple threat/triple minority I'm almost never in a situation where I'm not the minority, but I know that there's a community out there, but I can't find it. I'm in the South, where I get excited when I hear someone speaking Spanish, I have no professor to go to and ask about what it's like being a Black lesbian in the ivory towers, and I’m alone. I'm stuck without a community to revitalize me, when the weight of being a Black Lesbian is too much, I have no one's house to go to, no parties, nothing. I come home get online, talk on the phone trying to block out the world that’s surrounding me, but ultimately I can’t ignore the fact that I’m stranded here by myself.

I found this one girl on MySpace and I sent her a message and asked her about the Black Lesbian community, here, and she answered me, but it’s a weird because I have a lil crush on her and I’m too much of a wimp to approach her to hangout, because when I’m around her I tend to lose all grasp of my social skills. She told me where some gay bars in town are that she goes to, but I have no one to go with and again, too much of a wimp to ask her to tag along with. When I’m home I have my friends, who would be more than willing to go with me, and support me in my pursuit of this girl, but here my “friends” don’t get me, and aren’t really of much help.

It’s times like this that I question my decision to come so far away from anyone I know. My family got together for a funeral last week and I realized how much I missed them too. I miss people who know me, or at least have some idea of what it feels like to be a Lesbian of Color in this world. I don’t know what to do, that’s enough wining for now.

5 comments:

Sly Civilian said...

very true. the interruptions that we see in the identities that we are creating for ourselves are disturbing...but there is so much about this work that we simply have to keep asserting against the assumption that we cannot be who we say we are.

blogger apparently work with wordpress for trackbacks...so this is just to say that i used a quote from this post over at my place. http://slycivilian.com/?p=143

nehanda said...

when i read this post, i thought of how id like it very much to give you a hug and whisper to you that you are not alone. you truly are not alone in this, the walking in the inbetween spaces. i have struggled with this all my life and especially now since my coming to the states. come 5 years, i still havent found any space besides my apartment that i can think of as safe refuge. i try many a time to come out and create the space of inter-community that i envision. its interesting that i am able to do this through cyberspace. hehe..blessings sis

Darkmind said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
JrnyWmn said...

Sly, I feel you. You definitely am pushing just because people can't continue to live in their little bubble.

nehanda, I will definitely take that hug, virtually, but it's definitely appreciated. I wish I could just bring you all through the computer to where I'm at.

Darkmind, never hesitate to comment. your comments are definitely appreciated, everyone can relate to feeling like an outsider, and trying to find a place. I appreciate your comments

justanotherwhitewoman said...

So I'm always tempted to give advice when maybe all people really want is empathy...I know how hard it is to find community and acceptance...

Advice: Don't be scared to hang out with your crush! I spent most of my life absolutely terrified of the women I was most attracted to (or terrified to let them know) and all it got me was bad relationships with people I wasn't attracted to! Chances are, if you're attracted to her, she might feel something for you. If not, you'll have had someone to introduce you to the scene.

Also, don't limit yourself to her. Try some dating websites: Tagged, Plenty of Fish, OKCupid, Downlinke. Don't think of it as looking for dates as much as an alternative way to meet friends in your area.

Just some thoughts...good luck!

“I remember how being young and black and gay and lonely felt. A lot of it was fine, feeling I had the truth and the light and the key, but a lot of it was purely hell.” ~Audre Lorde