Wednesday, October 18, 2006

the coming out process

Coming out to my friends alone has really taught me some lessons. Last night I came out to one of my best friends, she's the one that I've been most worried about telling. I love her and I know that she loves me but she's very conservative, and very naive. So last night as I tell her that I'm a lesbian, this is who I am it's not going to change, she gave me a halfway positive response. I told her that I was afraid that she'd think that I'd want to be with her, she said that she wouldn't think that. I was excited, at first we talk about things wouldn't change, and who this doesn't change our friendship. Then things started to go downhill, then she began to talk about this being a spirit that I can be delivered from, she spoke of me not being sure because I had only had one boyfriend, and I hadn't had a girlfriend yet. Then she spoke of me being a part of God's divine plan. I told her that I was sure, that I was at peace, that my relationship with God has not suffered, but she's unwilling to accept this. She didn't tell me that I was going to hell, so on that note it wasn't as bad as I thought it could have been, but it still hurt. That conversation hurt my heart, because as much as we talked and said things shouldn't change, I feel like it will. I feel like there will be a big rainbow colored elephant in the room. I guess the biggest disappointment was that even though I told myself that this conversation would not go well, deep down I really hoped that she would say, "I love you, things aren't going to change, you're my sister" I wanted her to ask me about my crush, who she now knew was a woman. But that didn't happen, rather than complete support, I got judgment, and her trying to convince me that I'm not a lesbian, I just needed to find the right guy. Sigh While on the one hand that situation didn't go as well and was generally disappointing, me coming out has allowed me to reconnect with another friend.

This one friend and I had at one point been very close, but we drifted away and we barely speak, and when we do it's not with any depth. This friend I always knew would be supportive, her mother's a lesbian and she was raised by her mom and her mom's long time partner. I recently came out to her and then we talked about everything, you know the typical coming out convo, "when did you know?" "Have you told your mother?” So right after this conversation with my other friend last night I IMed her and copied her the convo, and we talked, we laughed. She called me and I told her my drunken stories, and while I laughed with her I forgot about the disturbing convo I had with my other friend. She encouraged me to pursue my crush, and when I spoke with my crush today I called her back, and I feel like I've got my friend back.

So thus far coming out has gotten me closer to some friends and has caused a rift with another friend. So as my best friend reminded me today that my coming out experience has been better than 85% of other people (don't ask me where she got that figure), and all I can do right now is thank God that this has been my only negative response so far, and it wasn't even that bad. So Thank God and the coming out process continues...

2 comments:

Sly Civilian said...

"so on that note it wasn't as bad as I thought it could have been, but it still hurt"

So true. It's cold comfort that loved ones chose not to behave with outright hatred, only to be wounding in a different way.

Jason Hughes said...

That was the hardest part: telling the best friends, the chosen family of our lives, as it were...

I lost two of my best friends over my "choice," but, while I'll always mourn that loss, I also kept a few good friends who have become great friends, and made a ton of new ones in the process...

Wear the scars with pride. They mean that you won't be false for anyone; you will be true to yourself, and if people can't accept that, it's probably better to remember the good times...

I even used to get the "haven't found the right girl yet" talk frm my dad... 9 years later, he's accepted the facts of the matter, and now loves Rich as much as his own kids and other various in-laws...

Stay strong!

Hugs,
Jason

“I remember how being young and black and gay and lonely felt. A lot of it was fine, feeling I had the truth and the light and the key, but a lot of it was purely hell.” ~Audre Lorde