Dream

So a couple of nights ago I had this dream, I've forgotten a lot of it but what I do remember is a few details and general feelings and impressions from the dream. I don't really remember the set up but it was me and some other women together in this room. I have the feeling that they were older than me. We were coming together to do something for women, specifically women of color. I remember that we were lost at some point and weren't sure how to proceed. But, then we read something by Audre Lorde that stressed the importance of writing and the way that writing helped to heal the soul. In my dream I remember that we were specifically reading something of hers, and there was definitely the understanding that she was no longer with us. However, I also have the impression that she was there, that she was physically there reciting her words. I definitely had the feeling of peace, love and acceptance from her. What the dream left me with was that it was writing was imperative to the struggle of women of color. So now I feel like writing, and something else besides this blog and my academic work, but I don't know where to go from here.

Thank you Audre

J Hud

I'm trying to make up for my lack of posting over the last few months.

Clearly everybody has heard about the Jennifer Hudson's tragedy this past weekend. Now this news has really touched me, I feel so bad for her. As you all may know, I am in love with Jennifer Hudson. I think she's cool, beautiful, intelligent and genuine, so I clearly support everything she does. I just was listening to her album, which I highly recommend, and you can tell how much of herself she pours into all of her songs, and to her so much of her voice come through. I feel for her and her family even more. Its bad enough to lose your mother, brother and nephew, but to lose them all at once and in this horrible way is just devastating. I was talking to my best friend about her this past weekend and we both agreed that we feel like we knew her. I find myself wanting do something. I just don't understand how you just take someone else's life so carelessly and especially a child. Whoever did this is going to pay for it and not necessarily here in this lifetime.


I just hope that she finds comfort in this rough time

Beauty?

Since I've been watching my nephew and walking around with him I've noticed something interesting in the way people react to him. Now he's gorgeous, don't get that wrong, but people only focus on one of two parts of him, his light skin and curly hair. I've always been considered in the middle so I don't really have any experience with being either light or dark and being harassed because of it. But, everytime I go out with my nephew people are always remarking on his "good" hair and how lucky he is to have it, and they also make inferences about his toddler behavior based on his skin tonel. We were in the grocery store and this lady was talking to him and he wasn't responding to her but he was all about this other lady. Then the woman he's ignoring says oh its because she's light . I'm like come on! He's only 1 yrs old, he doesn't know anything about colorism. My family is very diverse in skin tone, economic situation and a multitude of other factors. People don't see that they only se his light skin and curly hair.

He gets his hair texture from his mom and the volume from my brother. My sis in law told me how she was afraid to say that she liked her hair when she was younger because people would assume it was because of the texture. I don't deny that there are still plenty of color struck people out there and unfortunately a lot of Black people suffer for it. But, is it really necessary to place this all on a baby. Also what bothers me is that many people complementing his hair and skin don't have that in common with him, so I always want to ask them what are you saying about yourself? This self hate runs so deep its sickening. My nephew is beautiful and sure his hair and skin play their part because they're connected to him, but they do not make him any better or worst, and I know for damn sure he won't be continuing this vicious cycle.

We are on the cusp of a major breakthrough in American history in possible electing a Black President, but unfortunately this will have little effect on the way we view ourselves. Will Obama's biracial heritage place him above us without that same heritage? What if Michelle, Malia and Sasha were all rocking natural hair styles? What if Obama was closer to Djimon Honsu than Will Smith? These are all things to consider and hopefully it will all end son, but I'm not oppormistic

Meeting people

Yeah so about that whole posting more regularly thing.... I'm so sorry I'm really falling off the ball. It's just hard to blog when I have no privacy at my Brother's place, and I like keeping this blog as private as possible, because once everyone knows that I have a blog I begin to feel more limited in what I can post. Anyway I have a couple of posts that I'm working on, but right now I need some advice, I'm getting kind of desperate here. Please can someone anyone tell me how do you meet someone?!

The problem is that I tend to be very introverted at times and occasionally I get a little burst of extroversion. But, in general I'm very shy. So when I go to events and see a beautiful woman, I can't say anything. I know a lot of Queer folks hit up the clubs, but I'm not the best dancer and become very uncomfortable, unless I'm a little tipsy and meeting someone while drunk really doesn't give off the best first impression. So come on people how do you do it? I just updated my downelink profile, which I'm not too thrilled about because I hate downelink sometimes. There are too many young kids trying to get laid. I'm reaching desperation levels here, now. I jut want to meet a nice girl, it doesn't even have to be romantic I just need some gay friends. so PLEASE HELP!!!

Gone for a minute now I'm back

I don't even know how long its been since I last posted. I've been attempting to post for a while but no post really sticks. I've been staying in Brooklyn for quite a while babysitting my beautiful nephew and being out of my mom's house has brought me out of the depression that I was in. So in some ways I'm feeling much better than I've been since leaving my grad program. Unfortunately I haven't really done any work that I needed to and am digging my self further and further into a hole I don't need to be in. But I'm trying to deal and taking things slowly.

Anyway in some good news I was walking down the street in BK and I saw Olive and Hanifah from U People and nearly lost myself I was so excited. Unfortunately me and my star struckness prevented me from saying hi. But it was still very exciting.

I feel like during this unintentional hiatus I've had so much that I wanted to post about, but now that I'm actually deciding to post, I'm coming up blank. Anyway, I was depressed which is why I was away but now I'm working on reclaiming my life so I'm gonna try and post more regularly.

Please Stop Niecy Nash!

So a few weeks ago me and my sister got into an argument over Niecy Nash. We were watching Clean house and I was so bothered by her, I definitely felt like she was sort of mammyish. She was full of girlfriends, and honey and listen to mama. And I'm just tired of seeing Black women portrayed that way, especially by Black women. I recognize that that's her character and that's how she's making money but damn at what expense? I'm not saying that Black actresses have to all be Claire Huxtable but can we stay away from reinforcing stereotypes. My opinion was reinforced when I saw her on the Wendy Williams show. She seemed fairly cool but I was too through when I found out that she had creative licensce behind her character and particularly her appearance. Which is particularly a problem when it came to her red carpet outfit at the Hollywood premiere. She put on a prosthetic butt which she proudly showed off in a bathing suit. If this isn't reminisent of the Hottentot venus I don't know what is.


What's really horrible are all the comments under this picture. Some of the worst are

picho Mon, Jul 21, 2008 at 08:18 PM EST

I only watched the Reno movie because I saw her in a swimsuit in the trailer....I was completely erect whenever she was onscreen!! She has a fine-ass body!!

drools Fri, Jun 13, 2008 at 11:34 PM EST

my dick is so hard i was jacking off on her ass during the movie

mila Wed, Feb 21, 2007 at 12:39 AM EST

Hmmmm....they're right black IS better

Like I said I get it, you need to make money, but was it really necessary to do it at the detriment to all Black women? I saw a picture of her and her daughter and it was a very nice and sweet picture, but when her daughter is grown and some ignorant ass comes up to her and says some slick shit about her butt, or some dumb white girl comes up to her and says hey girlfriend. Will Niecy Nash feel at all culpable in perpetuating this image of Black women?

Copy cats suck!!

I'm pissed!!

I was on facebook the other day when I notice that this girl I went to Trinidad with got the exact same tattoo as me, but instead of it on her wrist its on her neck. Now this was no coincidence, she did not just happen upon the same design as me. I posted the picture of my tattoo shortly after I got it and this girl wrote on my wall ooh I want that tattoo. I commented back hehe thanks, and that was it in my mind. Now 7 months later she posts pictures of the exact same tattoo that I have. Now I don't have a common tattoo, I'm sure that there are people in the world with my tattoo, but I think its just tacky to copy the exact same tattoo that someone you know has. I'm so mad, I took time and researched and thought about this and its very personal to me. Now I don't doubt that she appreciates the meaning but this girl doesn't have a track record of being very thoughtful with tattoos. She has a rosary on her foot, mind you she's not catholic and doesn't even believe in God. She has a Sanskrit tattoo on her back that doesn't even mean what she thought. I know this may sound petty but I'm just so mad that she blatantly copied my tattoo.

The original


The copy

Some random randomness

Okay so in my random bum life I have come across a couple of things that make my heart smile.

First AfterEllen hipped me to face your manga so now I can finally reveal a complete head shot for you all to see. Here is the real me lol

Then I have a new blog crush Post homo nuyorican homo. Please go and check her out, I may have to stalk *cough* I mean read her blog a whole lot lol! My love affair began when I read her post that was cross posted on racialicious about the new movie bitch slap, and then has only grown through her coverage of America Ferrera's eye roll, which you have to see for yourself.



and I also loved her post trans representation on TV. So my blog crush is official and you should go and crush.. err I mean enjoy her blog too.

and then finally I've given in, I can no longer resist anymore all the pressure anymore I finally did it. I walked into Barnes and Noble and walked around the kids section, but I didn't see it. So I walked upstairs and still couldn't find it so I had to do it I had to ask the information clerk, I had to say "Uhmmm excuse me, Where are the....... Harry Potter books?" It killed me to actually have to verbalize that I intended to buy a Harry Potter book. I tried to make up for it by buying another novel, that wasn't in the kids section so I bought Babyji by Abha Dawesar. I read it in one day, it was really good, I highly suggest you buy it. So now I'm reading the first Harry Potter and it isn't horrible lol. I'm so ashamed lol

oh and random hot athlete pic in honor of the Olympics. I introduce to you Natasha Kai, oh and she's Queer! I love a woman with tattoos!!

Black People can swim!!

So its time for the Olympics, and I'm watching even thoush I said I wouldn't. I really wanted to make a principled moral stand, but I suck sometimes. Am I really the only weak one out there? Have you ever wanted to boycott something in entertainment and not been able to? Maybe I'm really to weak. Anyway enough with my weakness. back to the Olympics so this is the only time I get really patriotic. I just finished watching the men's 4x 100 relay. I love swimming so I try to watch most of the races, but this one was especially important because of Cullen Jones.

Its very rare for people of color to be major contenders in swimming and then Cullen Jones makes the Olympic team. The best part is that we won! smashed a world record and beat the French who were talking trash *cough* I mean we won and beat the highly favored French (that sounds less aggressive right?). Anyway I was so excited and into this race. Cullen Jones is only the 2nd African American to win Gold in the Olympics and mind you the first was Anthony Ervin in 2000. Believe it or not Ervin is Black, Native American and Jewish, Black comes in all different colors.


Cullen is also the third Black swimmer to make the Olympic team, Anthony Ervin was the first followed by Maritza Correia.

Maritza Correia is the first Black Puerto Rican to make the team, which is also great, because I've noticed that even in Countries with large populations of POC you only see the white members, like Australia and South Africa.

Okay if it wasn't enough that these three are making moves in the swimming world, but Maritza and Cullen are also dating! How great is that?! Cullen and Maritza are also committed to helping out the community. They're working on a documentary about Black swimmers called parting the waters. Read more here

I'm excited that he won the gold but unfortunately that was his only race for this Olympics.
So I'm a little excited if you couldn't tell lol. So am I the only one watching? Which are your favorite events?

Stop the Orange people

I had to put up this pic I found on TMZ and no I normally don't visit that site, but I'm glad I did today. This is further evidence of a new emerging race, the race of orange people. I think TMZ has spotted their leader, and I'm sorry they need to be stopped! Stop the Orange people!!
h/t TMZ

Friends

This is sort of a follow up to my last post. Yesterday I reconnected with one of my friends from undergrad, we'll call her C. We weren't really close, but we were definitely friends. I definitely think that we weren't closer friends because she made me very uncomfortable, because she was so comfortable with being a lesbian and I was so not. Well yesterday we finally caught up on AIM. I haven't come out to her because I really don't know why, I was afraid that she'd hold up some gay measuring stick and mark me as a clear fail. I think this is due in part to a real experience I had with this girl. She was bi and I was excited and was like oh cool another Black Queer woman and when she found out that I was a virgin. She said that I couldn't really be sure since I've never been with a man or woman sexually. She even went so far as to tell me to stop calling myself a lesbian. Unfortunately I was really drunk during the last statement so it registered a little late for me to get pissed. Anyway I was talking to C and I got a huge amount of anxiety about coming out to her, and then I finally just did it and she was completely cool and amazing of course. It really got me wondering why I was so afraid in the first place. It felt so good to talk to another Black lesbian about coming out and everything and she really just get it. She moved to my state recently and offered to be my gay club buddy. So that made me really happy.

Despite my excitement about a great coming out experience it reminds me of my friend who I've subsequently fallen out of touch with because of her inability to accept me as I am. I'm still grieving the loss of our friendship and that friend. I feel like I should be over it since its been a while, but it still hurts when I think about where we are now. What really pisses me off is that she was able to talk with C about her being a Black lesbian and all the various labels, but with me she can't. It just reminds of how funny friendships are, all of my friends except her have been amazing and supportive, so I guess that says a lot about the nature of our friendship. We went on spring break together our senior year and a couple weeks ago she texts me and says that she was looking at the pictures and remembering the great time we had and then she ends the text with love you guys. I really wanted to respond and say who does she love? Not the real me, but the conservative Christian me, waiting to find a good man, and denying a part of herself. I just left it alone, and I'm just going to focus on my supportive friends like C. Coming out really shows you who your real friends are.

Beware!! Lesbian processing

So I've missed 2 important dates, My bloggeversary and the anniversary of me coming out. I started this blog 2 years ago trying to process "my dilemma" as I was calling it, because I was too afraid to even type the words lesbian or gay. The whole idea of me being gay was terrifying and I felt so very alone. Blogging really helped me find a community which was amazing and really helped me in those early months.

So now its been 2 years and I'm reflecting on everything and I feel like I should be at a different point than I am, I feel like I'm sort of beginning again. So let me back track a little bit, I count my official coming out as July 10, 2006 because that is when I first told my best friend and she was the first person who actually knows me in real life to know. At that time I just graduated from undergrad and was about to start my graduate program and move to a random ass southern city. At the time I was really looking forward to getting out of my home state of CT and from a lot of the people I knew because them knowing me was suffocating. Everyone had this perception of who I was, the good little Christian girl who did not curse, think about sex let alone have a sexuality, drink or do anything worldly ( you should have seen the uproar my first tattoo caused). That was just too much so I figured a change of scenery would be good. In hindsight I think that was the wrong decision. I left an area where I had someone who was showing me around all the Queer areas and guiding me to go to an area where I knew no one. When I left my hometown I was still in a place of trying to be what a lesbian was supposed to be like, which led me to do a lot of compromising. In my program I was the only Queer person there, and had to carry the weight of a whole community I still didn't fully understand. My program was very hostile and these past 2 years have been some of the hardest I've ever had to deal with. There were some nice moments while I was away but in general I was completely miserable, and this consequently sent me into a nice depression that I'm still working on emerging from.

I realized that when you're coming out you really need someone there to lead you along, show you the community, let you know you're not a freak and really be that shoulder. I definitely wouldn't have made it had it not been for my hetero friends, but your hetero friends can be very supportive ultimately I think you need another Queer person there. Because unless you've gone through this process you have no idea what it's like, and you can't ever fully relate. So I didn't have the gay guru when I was in grad school so I've been fumbling my way through this whole process and now that I'm home and confronting everything that I was running from before I feel like I'm back at square 1. However, being in such a hostile environment has given me more assurance in my identity and I'm definitely not going through the whole I don't know why the fuck I feel this way thing anymore. I know I'm a lesbian and I'm completely happy with it, its just that now I have to deal with this whole outside world, which is the annoying part. I'm searching for a community here either in CT or in NYC. I'm learning to deal with being the gay kid in my family and feeling like I fit, but not really because I'm not like everyone else. These are all things that I think I would have been farther along if I had not moved. Now I'm having to come out ot people who I'm not close with, and others that I hadn't said anything to, like my only Black Lesbian friend in College. Oddly its slightly harder to come out to Queer folks who knew me when I was a Super Christian.

Anyway so here I am 2 years out, and still learning, still growing and if there was any doubt to me being a Lesbian this long ass processing post should be evidence lol.

Oh Baby!

So my mom picked up my nephew for the weekend, and this little boy absolutely melts my heart. He is too adorable! He's such an easy going baby, he doesn't fuss and the way he laughs at me makes me feel like I'm the funniest person in the world. This past weekend I spent sometime with both my nephew and my godson, my godson mind you has puss and boots eyes. He's really going to cause me to give him whatever he wants because when he looks at me with those eyes I'm powerless. My nephew has long eyelashes and killer dimples, so basically I'm ready to empty my bank account if they ask me to.

My mom is so excited because she has another vegetarian in the house, even if he is only 10 months old. So I'm on baby duty pretty much, but I don't mind, he's just that cute. Right now as I'm sitting here he is knocked out on my bed. I was gonna let him stay in my bed, just so I don't have to wake him to move him, but he may be small but he can hog a bed. But, the main point of this post is looking at him and my Godson, I just wonder how could anyone ever hurt a child? I know all babies aren't as easy going, but how can you look down at that little person and want to seriously cause them harm?

Look at my beautiful nephew in the car with his cool shades on

I fell in love Sunday Night

I just had the amazing pleasure of seeing Lenelle Moise in her play Expatriate. It was amazing, hands down the best play I've ever seen. The descriptions I've seen of the play don't do it justice. The play is more than the story of 2 women who leave the U.S. to escape all the various isms in the U.S. Its really about the very real and complicated relationship between 2 longtime friends Claudie and Althine. I absolutely fell in love with the main character Claudie. I identified with her so much minus lusting after the best friend. She was so real and troubled. I love how Lenelle Moise was able to show how someone can have a life's worth of baggage and issues and still manage to be a whole person. Then there is Althine who is such a familiar character. I feel like everyone has an Althine in their life. You watch Althine go down this self destructive path and you are rooting for her the whole time. the combination of supeb acting and amazing music completely pulled you in. The fusion of jazz, and jazz influenced music just captivated me. The play starred Lenelle Moise and also Karla Mosley who played Althine. Mosley was amazing (I know how many times can I use amazing, but there really is no other word to describe this play). Karla Mosley really owned the character of Althine she made you feel everything Althine was. I will give away that Althine does struggle with addiction, and Karla Mosley played the cracked out singer role so well I felt like I was watching Whitney Houston on Being Bobby Brown. I found myself sitting there and just wondering how I managed to see this amazing play. I wondered how did she create this piece. I love how Claudie is a Lesbian in the play and sexuality is definitely a large part of this work, but its not the only piece. It is not a tragic coming out story, or the same tired story of the poor lesbian forever lusting after her unsuspecting best friend.

Even though Karla Mosley was stunning, I have fallen completely in love with Lenelle Moise, seriously COMPLETELY in love with her. I love a strong intelligent beautiful woman, and Lenelle Moise is all that and more. She not only starred in the play but she also wrote and composed it. I was lucky enough to get a front row center seat for the play and at one point she glanced down and her eyes were piercing. I saw all the passion and emotion she brought to this role. I went on the night where there was a talk back session about Black Queer protagonists and when she came back out she literally took my breath away she was so stunning. I sat there and just soaked up everything she said. Afterward I shook her hand and I got a picture taken with her, but I get so star struck I couldn't say all I wanted to. I wanted to tell her how much this play touched me, even now its hard to describe. I've been really going through a rough time lately and battling some serious bouts depression, and seeing me reflected back not only in the play but in the wonderful example of a strong beautiful Black Queer woman that is Lenelle Moise, really made me feel so much better. She was so nice when I spoke to her briefly and incoherently (damn my starkstruckness!) I was so nervous I forgot to introduce myself and she asked my name and when she asked I was like why would you even care who I am. But, she is that down earth not just putting up with annoying fans. If stalking wasn't annoying, creepy, illegal and a real turn off I would so stalk her lol! If anyone is in the NYC area and wants to go, but doesn't want to go alone I will go with you, because if I bring its less stalkerish....right? lol
But in all seriousness she was able to put together such a beautiful piece of art that didn't just entertain me, but it touched me. Lenelle and Sharon Bridgeforth were talking about the importance of making positive life choices and choosing to be healthy, and I needed to hear that.
After going to this play I felt the way I do when I go to a U People event, I felt at home.

drunk post

I am drunk at la escuelita in NYC having a great time but I decided to document my drunkeness online. So its official my first and most likely last drunk post. Merry christmas and a happy new year. I haven't been drunk in 2 months by the way

Sober edit:
Yeah so I thought it would be a great idea to post while I was drunk and at the club from my phone. Maybe that wasn't such a good idea, that last drink DEFINITELY wasn't a good idea as I found out on Sunday, but hey I'm all about being young and irresponsible for a while. However, I don't think I'll be drinking like that for a while, hangovers are not fun at all.

New Music

New Music!!

So I just discovered the wonderfulness that is Adele!

The UK is really doing there thing, Amy Winehouse, Leona Lewis and now Adele. As much as I love Amy Winehouse I think Adele might be gaining on her in my heart. Adele isn't completely strung out on drugs, doesn't have any racist videos circulating, she's beautiful, she's plus sized and can sing her ass off. I love when she was asked about losing weight she said she would lose weight when it began to interfere with her sex life!

So some of my favorite songs from her album are

Her big single Chasing Pavements



Right as Rain



Daydreamer, which is not only beautiful, but also written about her bisexual boyfriend who left her for a man. What I love is that it doesn't go the previous routes of bisexual men in r&b songs. Examples A & B. But enjoy a beautiful song



and hands down my favorite song on the whole album Melt my heart to stone.




Thanks again to the wonderful people at U People, I've again discovered another great artist Joy Denalane. The June mix by DJ Lunaceptive features a song by her not on her album called Torch of Freedom which is amazing! So I did research and absolutely love her whole album. She's talented, beautiful, and conscious. What more can you ask for?!
My favorites are

Heaven or Hell



Stranger in this land




Let Go





and Sometimes Love



She's German, and I wish I knew German because she sounds great. Here's a song of hers in German called Sag´s Mir.



I have no idea what she said but didn't it sound great?


She also represents for her South African roots in the song Soweto '76-'06. There's an English version on her Album Born and Raised, but here's the video from the German version but with subtitles.

Color Quiz

Surprisingly accurate

I took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test! "Preoccupied with things of an intensely exciting n..." Click here to read the rest of the results.

Jurnee, Jurnee, Jurnee

I just watched the Great Debaters which was excellent by the way, but I was definitely distracted by the beauty that is Jurnee Smollett. You may remember her as the little girl from Eve's Bayou. This was her then

and this is her now

All I can say is DAMN she's beautiful! I may just have to invite her into my circle of Love. What is my circle of love you may ask? well its just the nice arrangement my many wives and I have, that allows us to all get along wonderfully.

Anyways more pictures of Jurnee is definitely required.


* now the pin up pic may not be the most progressive, but you can't deny how beautiful she looks*

Lenelle Moise

So I was working on this post about how I'm tired of being the gay kid at home, but then I got onto youtube thanks to Evolving, looking at videos of Lenelle Moise and OH MY GOODNESS! I'm in love! She's wonderful! She's also Haitian which makes my bootleg Haitian self happy. So instead of finishing that post today I'm gonna post some wonderful vids of Lenelle Moise. Madivinez is my new favorite word and now officially the 2nd word I know in Creole .

baby on the way

Right now I'm in the hospital with my cousin as she's getting induced. She's doing really well so far handling the pain and everything.
Now I know she's only 16 but people shouldn't assume she doesn't know what she's in for. This white male nurse comes in and talks to her like she's an idiot then he asks if she remembers the doctor that's going to induce her. He proceeds to describe her as "a Black girl". I was too through, but I tried to be calm for my cousin, but I was too aggravated. So now I'm waiting with my family for our newest member to arrive. Trying not to kill any one