Being the angry black woman isn't so bad

I've been thinking a lot about this past year and the many ways that I've changed and haven't been myself. I realized that this past year I have not been as angry as I have been in the past. I'm an angry person, and its actually not as bad as it sounds. I've always been accused of being angry. I was the angry baby, I was the angry Black woman. I've never seen my anger as a bad thing, its been the outward expression of my passion for all things that mean anything to me. I realized that I've lost some of my anger this past Sunday when I got angry again and it felt good.

This past Sunday I was in central park for the summer stage concert series. I was having a good time, enjoying the music hanging with friends and laughing at the hot mess that was Jon B's performance. Then the DJ asked the audience if we wanted to hear reggae, the crowd started cheering and after the next performance her played a reggae mix. Which of course had to include Buju Banton's Boom bye bye. I'm not even going to post lyrics google them if you haven't already heard about this song. Basic message kill the gays, they're nasty. I got so infuriated that I went up to the WBLS table who was sponsoring the event to complain, but the guys there were just volunteers. I still voiced my complaint and went back to my friends trying to be easy but when he played TOK's song Chi Chi man, same premise as Buju's song. That was it, I went up to the VIP area closest to the stage and asked who I could speak to about the DJ. I ended up talking to the venue manager and I went the fuck off. It felt so good. I told him about how offensive the song was, I told I wanted to find out why the DJ felt like that song would be a good one to play. He said its freedom of speech and people can say whatever they want. That really got me, needless to say it went back and forth for a bit more, before I walked away with the manager saying he'd pass on my complaint. He probably didn't but what was important is that I got it out and it felt fucking good. Now don't get me wrong I was still mad for a good while after, but once I calmed down it felt fucking good. I got back in touch with my anger, and I've missed it.

This past year instead of getting mad at the people who deserved my anger I've been internalizing it and I've been worst off for it. So I'm getting back in touch of my anger, I'm gonna yell when I need to, scream when I need to and cuss people out when they deserve it because being the angry black woman isn't so bad.

Tired

Do you ever get tired?

Not tired after being on your feet all day at work, or running around doing errands, but just tired of all the bull shit in the world namely all these damn hierarchies. Because, right now I'm really tired. I'm tired of always being in the fucking minority. I'm tired of being gay in a straight world, Black in a white world and a woman in a male world. However, right now I'm especially tired of being gay in a straight world. I'm lucky that I have a few incredible straight friends that allow me to drag them to all these gay events with relatively few objections, but its tiring always being on the outside. I go to these amazing events full of beautiful Queer folks and I'm rejuvenated and energized and then I have to leave that space and deal with ignorance from friends, family and the world at large. I'm tired of being the lone voice of dissent with ignorant comments, and I'm tired of educating others. I'm just so fucking tired. I like to see some version of myself in almost every aspect of my life. So I like watching TV and movies with Queer actors, reading books with Queer characters, and listening to music by Queer musicians (even though I have very few Queer music groups on my ipod), but when I do this and support these works then I'm being biased because I'm gay. I think this is largely due to me being constantly viewed as a special interest, and its fucking annoying.
What really set me off was Beyonce's song "If I was a boy", while I have no problem with her writing a song about being on the other side of her relationship, and I don't think everythinig should be catered to include me, people have the right to write about their experience (now that that disclaimer is out of the way). But, what specifically set me off about that song is where she says

"If I were a boy
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl "

The first thing I thought when I heard those lyrics, was well there are millions of women who know how it feels to love a girl, and it ain't got shit to do with being a boy. Like I said before I get it she wasn't talking about us, (which she has every right to do) but it just reiterated to me how often people aren't talking to us. All those stupid fucking generalizations about what every woman wants which always invariably have something to do with some type of man, which doesn't even apply to all hetero women, but it especially excludes Queer women. I'm just tired of having to be understanding at my exclusion.
I'm just so very tired.

Beware!! Lesbian processing

So I've missed 2 important dates, My bloggeversary and the anniversary of me coming out. I started this blog 2 years ago trying to process "my dilemma" as I was calling it, because I was too afraid to even type the words lesbian or gay. The whole idea of me being gay was terrifying and I felt so very alone. Blogging really helped me find a community which was amazing and really helped me in those early months.

So now its been 2 years and I'm reflecting on everything and I feel like I should be at a different point than I am, I feel like I'm sort of beginning again. So let me back track a little bit, I count my official coming out as July 10, 2006 because that is when I first told my best friend and she was the first person who actually knows me in real life to know. At that time I just graduated from undergrad and was about to start my graduate program and move to a random ass southern city. At the time I was really looking forward to getting out of my home state of CT and from a lot of the people I knew because them knowing me was suffocating. Everyone had this perception of who I was, the good little Christian girl who did not curse, think about sex let alone have a sexuality, drink or do anything worldly ( you should have seen the uproar my first tattoo caused). That was just too much so I figured a change of scenery would be good. In hindsight I think that was the wrong decision. I left an area where I had someone who was showing me around all the Queer areas and guiding me to go to an area where I knew no one. When I left my hometown I was still in a place of trying to be what a lesbian was supposed to be like, which led me to do a lot of compromising. In my program I was the only Queer person there, and had to carry the weight of a whole community I still didn't fully understand. My program was very hostile and these past 2 years have been some of the hardest I've ever had to deal with. There were some nice moments while I was away but in general I was completely miserable, and this consequently sent me into a nice depression that I'm still working on emerging from.

I realized that when you're coming out you really need someone there to lead you along, show you the community, let you know you're not a freak and really be that shoulder. I definitely wouldn't have made it had it not been for my hetero friends, but your hetero friends can be very supportive ultimately I think you need another Queer person there. Because unless you've gone through this process you have no idea what it's like, and you can't ever fully relate. So I didn't have the gay guru when I was in grad school so I've been fumbling my way through this whole process and now that I'm home and confronting everything that I was running from before I feel like I'm back at square 1. However, being in such a hostile environment has given me more assurance in my identity and I'm definitely not going through the whole I don't know why the fuck I feel this way thing anymore. I know I'm a lesbian and I'm completely happy with it, its just that now I have to deal with this whole outside world, which is the annoying part. I'm searching for a community here either in CT or in NYC. I'm learning to deal with being the gay kid in my family and feeling like I fit, but not really because I'm not like everyone else. These are all things that I think I would have been farther along if I had not moved. Now I'm having to come out ot people who I'm not close with, and others that I hadn't said anything to, like my only Black Lesbian friend in College. Oddly its slightly harder to come out to Queer folks who knew me when I was a Super Christian.

Anyway so here I am 2 years out, and still learning, still growing and if there was any doubt to me being a Lesbian this long ass processing post should be evidence lol.

I'm done with Black Studies

Not only am I done with Black studies but I'm done with Black solidarity. Let me explain what I mean, I'm not done with caring about and supporting my people but no longer will I do so at my own expense. For the past 2 years I have been pursuing a masters degree in Black Studies, and during these 2 years I have had to deal with a ridiculous amount of bias because not only am I a Black woman, but I'm also a lesbian.
My department tries to appear as if they're open and accepting towards non heterosexuals but they're not. I've had to fight just to pursue my research interest and when I produce this research I've had to work 10 times harder than anyone else to show that it is legitimate research. I've had to be the lone voice arguing against heterosexist scholars that we read, but I've also had to deal with harassment because at the time of my entry I was the only out person in the department. To my knowledge in the 5 years that the graduate program has existed I was the first openly queer student. The lack of Queer people in this department has made the faculty complacent in ignoring all issues regarding sexuality. So when it comes time for me to write my thesis and I want to investigate Black Butch Lesbians all I get is resistance. The chair who reluctantly agreed to chair my thesis knows nothing about gender theory, so I've received no critiques of my argument. She's been completely hostile and disorganized the entire time that I've been writing this damned thesis. I've had to listen to her berate me and my work while she's barely read any of it. But did I complain? No. Why? Because I wanted to support my black people and didn't want to cause a commotion, but I'm done with that. I'm tired of being silent because I didn't want to cause problems for Black people who could care less about me, which was evident by the way they treat me. I wish this was the first time that I've had to deal with shit like this, but no I've had to put up with this same shit from my cohort and an entire conference on Black Studies. A friend of mine presented on how a lot of Black women and Black Queer people have left Black studies to do their research in other departments because Black Studies is so hostile. I am about to join the rest of them because I'm tired, I don't think I can take the abuse anymore. I'm tired of being tokenized or ignored in the discipline that is supposed to represent me. I know women's studies can be just as hostile towards women of color - as evidenced by the whole Andrea Smith debacle- but I'm tired. It seems that while women's studies has a tendency to be very white it seems like they at least try to be more inclusive, while Black studies could care less. When I go to reapply to PhD programs at this point the only Black Studies PhD program I'll be applying to is Northwestern because they have a real demonstrated commitment to Queer people and doing research outside of the heteronormative box. So I'm done, I'm tired and I'm pissed! And when I'm finally done with this thesis process I'm complaining to the dean, because this can not continue.

Don't Ask, Don't Tell

There are a lot of things going on in my mind, that I would love to post about but I don't really feel like being that vulnerable online. So instead I wanted to post about "Don't Ask, Don't Tell". It should be clear to everyone that this is a failed policy and it has serious reprecussions on the lives of many individuals who choose to enlist in our armed forces. Now I would never join the military and am very much against any of my friends or family members joining. However, I do have respect for those who find the military a noble cause and are willing to risk their lives for this country. This issue has been at the forefront of alot of online discussions I've seen recently because of the L word storyline involving my future wife Rose Rollins. Rose as you know plays Capt. Tasha Williams on the L word, who is currently dealing with being investigated for homosexual conduct. Last week she did an amazing job in this scene where she confronts her lawyer who doesn't really believe that she should be in the military because she's a lesbian. Enjoy my wife at work.



Amazing, right?!

I also love watching the Vlog "She Got me Pregnant" I just like it, I am definitely not considering having children anytime soon, and sometimes question whether I want children at all. But its still a nice vlog, anyway this week they dealt with Don't Ask Don't tell and told a gut wrenching story about a family suffering under this policy. It's very moving and I definitely suggest you all watch it. When you're done go over to the Mombian website and read the full article.

Mombian Vlog 01-24-08
Uploaded by drudolph

After watching that I went and looked up the presidential candidates on "Don't Ask Don't Tell", and I wish I could say that I was surprised at the republican response. I have to say though I was pissed, because the republicans dodged the question and then dared to say the policy is working! Clearly they haven't done their research anyway here's the youtube clip ... enjoy?



And a response



So just some food for thought.

ranting and music

Wow I really hadn't noticed that its been so long since my last post. This school year has been kicking my ass hard, already. But its a good ass kicking... I think, I guess I'll find out later. I've gotten renewed motivation in my research, because this ass hole of a kid recently commenting on the Black Lesbian lives, that is being offered this semester, said that its the most irrelevant course ever. Really? Black lesbian lives are irrelevant and not worth being studied? I'm so glad that I found out that I have no place in studies that are supposed to be studying Black people as a whole, because obviously my life is irrelelvant. Everytime I think about what he said I get more and more angry, fortunately I wasn't there for his little speech, which later included him saying what's next a class on "Retarded Black lesbian midgets with one eye"? Isn't he a great guy? But it is people like him that make me research Black SGL (same gender loving) women. So FUCK HIM! and all of his fucked up ideologies!

On other news I've been so obsessed with music lately. I just bought Ledisi's album and it's pretty amazing! I've been playing it non stop since I got it here's a little glimpse



Thanks to After Ellen to a link to Alicia Keys' new single which I've played 10 times in a row

Alicia Keys NO ONE (new audio)
Uploaded by kurb35

These words won't do any justice

I've been working on this post all weekend, going over and over in my mind how I could convey in words what I'm feeling. I am in a beautiful country and having the best and worst time ever! I love it here because I have really gotten a chance to commune with nature. I've swam with the fish, swam in the middle of the ocean hung out in a waterfall and lounged on a clear beach. I've fallen in love with the people of this country and have enjoyed this short respite from the continued presence of white privilege over me. However, I have had about enough of feeling alien because I love women.

After a near perfect day of the ocean and other cultural activities we go out and what do we hear but a song about how evil homosexuality is. Its bad enough that the song is playing but the majority of the club join in on the chorus that calls for violence against gays. At this moment I stand there amongst friends and just watch as they dance completely oblivious to the hate coming out of the speakers. I never felt more alone before. Later when I bring it up they do their best to try and understand and sympathize but they can't, because they just don't get it. Flash forward to today as I sit in class and hear our Professor talk about how many Calypso singers find homosexuality funny, and then he goes on and discusses how the idea of a Gay minister of govt is foreign to them, but not as foreign as other countries. He was only half trying to not seem completely biased and disgusted, but it was there. Then after class I have to defend all LGBT people to one of my classmates as he tries to argue that its understandable why people are homophobic and ignore LGBT people. At this point I had to fight back the urge to scream, cry and just run away from this all. This is all too much to handle at sometimes.

I want to hold on to my people and this country so tight, but I can only do this if I deny who I am. I find myself now in a bind, do I continue to blend? Or do I make a stand? Do I even have the agency and authority to make such a bold stand? Where is my safe place? Where is my place where I can go to get rejuvenated? How do I explain something that I can't even put in words to people who claim to be my friends here? Is it even worth it? These are all the questions that are constantly running through my head. I'm just at a point where I don't know where to go from here.

One of the few LGBT sites that isn't blocked is Jasmyne Cannick's blog, and while I don't agree with everything she says all the time, I do get a lot of useful information from here. She just posted this article from a local newspaper and a gay man was talking about how he doesn't have his rights, and all the ways that Trinidad and Tobago should improve in terms of its relations with LGBT people. This article let me know that by being a lesbian and not from here it is illegal for me to be here. Elton John had to get a special license to come and perform. I am absolutely astonished. I want to cling to the people here so bad because I feel like we are so similar, but I can't because I refuse to deny who I am.

My life is Censored

I just read a very moving post over at Brownfemipower's site, taken in part from Sokari. My intention was to go over there and continue reading over at Black Looks, but when I clicked the link I found myself redirected to the University's website when I looked at the web address I saw something that made me so mad. It said "Adult lifestyle filtering". I'm sitting here absolutely puzzled as to why? I know why but that still doesn't answer the larger question of why is it that just living and breathing and being who God made us to be is seen as lewd and indecent. While here in Trinidad I tried to go to a few of my regular blogs that I read Vegankid, Sly Civilian and those two were also filtered. Its just something else that reminds me of where I'm at. So far I've loved my time here today I ate "Bake & Shark" which was delicious! I've also been just shocked looking around and seeing people of color every where, running things. The only white people I've seen have been tourists. Its been a weird and slightly delightful feeling being surrounded by all People of Color. But, then something like this happens and it reminds me that as a community we still need to deal with homophobia that is ever present in our community. I don't get why when people say Gay or Lesbian or Homosexual they whisper, especially in front of kids. I have a friend who was in a relationship with a woman for 6 months and whenever she talks about that relationship she whispers, despite the fact that she said that she is not opposed to being in another relationship with a woman.

This and in light of the post about the Black Lesbian who was tortured in South Africa just reinforces the fact that something needs to change. My online friend that I'm constantly talking to and I always talk about starting our own country or land where women of Color are safe. It would be secluded and all Women of Color and some allies, we're joking but sometimes I wish that it was a real place. I'm tired of being censored, not talking about my life in certain situations to certain people and even having to be secretive here in Trinidad, where as I type this I worry about if anyone is looking over at my computer and knows that I'm a lesbian, and what will happen if they find out. I worry about some of my travel mates who don't know that I'm a lesbian and how they will react especially the women. I'm constantly making sure that I don't make any other woman feel uncomfortable by being too close, or complimenting her in a way that she may feel like I'm hitting on her. I'm tired of censoring my life. I'm ready to get away to that safe land.

update: Vegankid I was able to see you site briefly before it blocked me again...maybe a tiny glimmer of hope, or their filter system sucks

Grow up!

I am so sick and tired of the competition within academic settings. I don't know if it’s just me but it’s really ridiculous. This past week I have had to deal with all sorts of ridiculous petty drama, mainly because I called someone out on their homophobia and it didn't go over so well.
But back to silly competition, it’s crazy! I made a good point in class and got complemented on it and the supreme kiss ass in class couldn't handle it and got all testy. He tried to take away from my point and said he had already said that... come on! When are people going to grow up! I am too old for this bull shit; I'm not in to competing over who makes the best point in class, and who writes the better paper. I'm here trying to get the most out of this program so hopefully I can get in to a good PhD program. However, these idiots just want to fill my life with drama. Well I'm done! I'm done with people, I'm done with foolish competition, and I’m just staying focused and ignoring everyone around me. There is competition over assistantships and who can present first. I foolishly thought that in Grad School people would actually act like adults, silly me.

Thanks to all those who posted nice encouraging words , I haven't had enough time to respond, but I really appreciate it. Darkmind I'm actually taking some of your advice and I just cut someone out of my life.

My Journey thus far

One of my favorite songs from Dreamgirls is "I am Changing", I'm in love with Jennifer Hudson as it is, but when she sings this song it’s so powerful. I feel this song every part of it, I get it. I'm so reflective, I'm constantly in my head, and over the past few months I definitely hit a down spiral in my acceptance of my sexuality. The Audre Lorde quote that I have on my page really fits what I’m going through so much

"I remember how being young and black and gay and lonely felt. A lot of it was fine, feeling I had the truth and the light and the key, but a lot of it was purely hell."

When I first came out, to myself, and then to friends, I was elated! Everything just made so much sense. Then, I started to experience the hell part, the little comments, the realizing that some of the places and people that I love don't accept me, and that Hurt like hell! I can't say that I'm not still feeling that now. Me and one of my friends who I love dearly are in a weird place now because she doesn't want to talk about me. She only wants the me that she finds acceptable. Being in this weird place with her is really causing me a lot of pain. She represents so much more than just our fractured relationship, she was my spiritual support. I depended on her and now she’s made the choice to ignore a large part of me and not be there for me spiritually. A lot of the stuff that I’ve been going through has to deal with my faith. I feel like I can’t be a Christian and a Lesbian. In my head I know that’s not true, but I can’t seem to convince my heart. I’m terrified that all those people who say that I’m going to hell are right. I’m terrified of living my life a part from God. This alone has really sent me in to some bad places lately, and more than anything I’ve felt so alone. Like no one understood. Then last semester I wrote a kick ass paper on Black Lesbian Identity. In some respects I felt like a fraud writing that paper. I kept thinking I just came out, what do I know about anything. In writing that paper I was searching for something that let me know that I wasn’t crazy. That paper really helped me. I really got to work out some major issues and had hope that I wasn't completely alone in this all. It even prepared me for what was coming ahead and for that I'm truly thankful. I look at women like Jewelle Gomez, Barbara Smith, Audre Lorde, Mignon Moore, I felt like they were my family, my sisters preparing me for the difficult road ahead.

I've gone through so many different emotions, I've been beaming with pride, I've been terrified, I've wanted to go to one of those ex-gay places, I've wanted to hide, I've wanted to cry, I've cried, I've wanted to live, I've wanted to die, I've been through it all and I know its not over. I feel like I've reached an important place, I've come to realize that this is me, and it’s not going to change. Now I'm working on completely loving that. I'm not gonna lie, I'm not there yet, but I'm working on it. One of the most difficult things about being out, for me has been dealing with people’s expectations. In the beginning I was so afraid that I wasn’t really a lesbian. I knew I wasn’t straight, but I thought that I was asexual. Because I wasn’t like other lesbians, I didn’t feel a part of the queer community. I found myself going trying to fit everyone’s conception of Lesbians. As I think back on it now, I realize how little sense this all makes, but at the time that’s where I was at. I’m finally reaching the point where I’m comfortable, I know my sexuality and no one can dictate that to me. Last week I was at a party and that girl that I mentioned earlier was there (it was great we had a moment, but that’s a whole other post) Anyways one of my friends bought her boyfriend (who had previously made a side comment about homosexuality being an abomination) and the girl I’m in to, we’ll call her Lee, dresses more masculine. Later when discussing Lee with a friend who also thinks that she is hot. He asks if she likes Lee because she’s a woman and she likes women or is it because Lee dresses like a man. He then says well if I see the same thing as my friend in Lee then I’m not really a lesbian! I was so pissed when I heard he had said all this. It pissed me off that I can’t be attracted to a masculine woman without some idiot questioning my sexuality. It pissed me off because no one knows my sexuality like I do. Its mine and I’m not going to let anyone take that from me. I think that’s what’s making the difference now, I’ve reclaimed my sexuality. Its idiots like this guy, who feel like they have any say over my life, like they from the outside can tell me about what’s going on, on the inside. But I will not let him or anyone else question my sexuality. I love women and that’s it. Things are different now, when I watch logo and here people’s stories I identify with them. I feel a part now. I was listening to one guy’s story about how his mother told him to either change or get out and never speak to her again and he left. He choose to be honest with himself, and I know what that’s like, because when questioning my position with God. I thought about repenting and praying for forgiveness for my feelings but I can’t. I can’t pray that I’ll change because I have no control over this, I can’t not be a lesbian. In my mind I’m risking a lot but I don’t feel like there’s any other choice. So this is where I am. This has been my journey thus far, and I’m interested in where it’s going to go from here.

I would like to write

*This is from a journal entry I decided to try and turn in to a poem, I'm not a poet but I'm trying something new*

I would like to write

something

anything

that could adequately convey my emotion.



something

anything




I am lost.


the perpetual outsider
constantly
searching
for home.

floating in space
never at home.
Never accepted.

a loveless heart
torn a part

My heart longs for my former life.
My heart aches for my God.
My heart aches for a life that I was never destined to have.

Where do you go?

Where do you go?

when you are rejected by everyone?
Where is home?
Where is safety.

the words won’t allow themselves to come out
they are caught
in my throat
in my heart,
in my eyes
begging for release.

power?
authority?
for a life that I have yet to fully accept?

stuck

I don’t know how not to be me,


Pride?
where is my pride?

one mask for another
The pain is ever present in my heart
and I have no idea of how to expel it.
I would really like to see where I made my choice?

It's not up to you!

Its not up to you! That's all I want to say to my friend. When I came out to her it didn't go so well, she's my one bad coming out experience. We talked and she felt that I was living outside of God's plan for my life, and she just didn't agree with my life, she wanted me to fight a little more (because 22 years of denial wasn't enough). My sexuality has always been mine, something private sacred that I just kept for me. For years I thought it over, I examined I questioned I belittled I ignored, but through it all it was always mine. Believing that I was straight allowed me the privacy of my sexuality no one questioned how I knew that I was straight or whether I was sure, no one subjected me to the inquisition that has been a part of my coming out process, no one debated whether or not I was going to hell, they just left me alone.
Now that I'm open about the whole me and not hiding I've lost my sexuality. My sexuality has been subjected to the scrutiny of any and everyone, people can sit around and discuss whether or not I'm going to hell because of who I love. Where is my privacy? Where is my chance to just be? What hurts me the most is that the ones that I need support from don't. My mother thinks that I'm going to grow out of this "phase" and one of my best friends is just not going to discuss that part of my life with me. Being a lesbian does not define me, but its a part of me and without knowing that you don't know me. Coming out has been rough for me, I've had to put my sexuality out there, I've lost the privacy that we shared. I question myself daily, I fear about people's reactions, I question whether I'll be allowed to speak to my younger relatives once I come out to my whole family. I have to keep my sexuality hidden from my grandmother because she's old and she won't understand. Coming out while it hasn't been easy I feel whole, complete, things make sense, I feel good. My friend ignoring my sexuality, and my mom thinking that I'll grow out of it and that its still a sin bothers me. Despite feeling great about everything, I needed the support of my loved ones.
So what I keep thinking is its not up to you! I foolishly told my friend when I came out that we'd have to agree to disagree, but that's not the type of friendship I need. I don't need to agree to disagree with one of my best friends when it comes to my sexuality. I don't need to have it ignored in our conversations. It just pisses me off to have people decide whether or not its okay with them that I am attracted to women. I don't know what I'm going to do with my friend, I enjoy our friendship, but I don't know if I can keep being friends with someone who is deliberately choosing to ignore a part of me.

Sometimes you just need to rant

Where do I begin?
This world is seriously screwed up!

Apparently I didn't get the message that making fun of Black people in every way possible was actually funny. Nubian highlights this with her post about Texas A&M, but wait that's not it. While browsing around on facebook I see a kid at my undergrad in black face. No wait I'm still not done yet apparently playing up on every stereotype about Black people and making fun of lynchings is a GREAT theme party! Thanks to St. Johns for letting me know, because honestly I didn't realize that.

If that is not enough to make you mad, just wait! Thanks to facebook once again, and a group called 1,000,000 Black students, which is a good group, but has some idiots on the discussion board. I thought the question of why Black people were so anti education was bad enough, but no just wait. My favorite came today with the post titled Wah gwan chi chi gal pt 1, which basically means what's going on with the lesbians. The first post is:

why is all the black woman turning gay,
are they receiving more male energy,
is it becuz of depression, or lowself esteem?
or is it because guys always shit on them so they think its no one else but thier own sex who they think will understand them better

Again that's not even the worst one, you can't forget:

Being gay is a phobia of procreation of some sort. I am certain. FOR NEARLY ALL PEOPLE, their entire purpose in life is to extend their bloodline. Being a fag rejects this from your basic natural principles. Eat/Sleep/Survive/Reproduce.

There are more but I don't even want to go there, I posted a response, but I'm not going to continue to debate and go back and forth.

Oh and Charles Murray, Author of The bell curve is coming to speak at my school tomorrow/today (it's after midnight).

All I have to say is AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

I was silent

I like this video, encouraging you to speak out, and the consequences of staying silent. So often we're silent just because it doesn' t pertain to us, just like in the video. However, I was silent and did affect me.

I'm mad at myself today because I was silent. Tonight I went to a party, and one of the host's drunk relatives shows up. I know the host through my department so of course we can't get together without discussing some political issue, so we began to talk about Ted Haggard, and his scandal. I knew it was going to be trouble from the moment that guy arrived, we were joking about the Haggard saying he was getting a "massage" and buying meth. Then it begins, the relative starts talking about how Haggard's a hypocrite (I agree), a liar (again he's talking right), a meth addict (still nothing wrong), and then he says it a faggot. I just sat there stunned, I looked to the host for some sort of correction, and he goes to try and talk about how it doesn't matter if he's gay or not. I was feeling so many things at once, I felt so uncomfortable, and I didn't know what to do. So I said nothing. I'm so mad at myself, I didn't confront him because he was so drunk, it really would have been ridiculous, and also what if he started to call me names? What would I have done? So taking all of this in to consideration, I sat quietly and texted my best friend.
I had to leave the party early because I came with a friend who had someone waiting for her, and I was so thankful. I just feel like I was using my appearance of straight (I don't mean to play up on stereotypes, but no one looks at me and thinks lesbian) to not enter in to a confrontational situation, and I feel bad about this. I feel like a hypocrite. I don't know, I'm just not feeling to hot