Friends

This is sort of a follow up to my last post. Yesterday I reconnected with one of my friends from undergrad, we'll call her C. We weren't really close, but we were definitely friends. I definitely think that we weren't closer friends because she made me very uncomfortable, because she was so comfortable with being a lesbian and I was so not. Well yesterday we finally caught up on AIM. I haven't come out to her because I really don't know why, I was afraid that she'd hold up some gay measuring stick and mark me as a clear fail. I think this is due in part to a real experience I had with this girl. She was bi and I was excited and was like oh cool another Black Queer woman and when she found out that I was a virgin. She said that I couldn't really be sure since I've never been with a man or woman sexually. She even went so far as to tell me to stop calling myself a lesbian. Unfortunately I was really drunk during the last statement so it registered a little late for me to get pissed. Anyway I was talking to C and I got a huge amount of anxiety about coming out to her, and then I finally just did it and she was completely cool and amazing of course. It really got me wondering why I was so afraid in the first place. It felt so good to talk to another Black lesbian about coming out and everything and she really just get it. She moved to my state recently and offered to be my gay club buddy. So that made me really happy.

Despite my excitement about a great coming out experience it reminds me of my friend who I've subsequently fallen out of touch with because of her inability to accept me as I am. I'm still grieving the loss of our friendship and that friend. I feel like I should be over it since its been a while, but it still hurts when I think about where we are now. What really pisses me off is that she was able to talk with C about her being a Black lesbian and all the various labels, but with me she can't. It just reminds of how funny friendships are, all of my friends except her have been amazing and supportive, so I guess that says a lot about the nature of our friendship. We went on spring break together our senior year and a couple weeks ago she texts me and says that she was looking at the pictures and remembering the great time we had and then she ends the text with love you guys. I really wanted to respond and say who does she love? Not the real me, but the conservative Christian me, waiting to find a good man, and denying a part of herself. I just left it alone, and I'm just going to focus on my supportive friends like C. Coming out really shows you who your real friends are.

Beware!! Lesbian processing

So I've missed 2 important dates, My bloggeversary and the anniversary of me coming out. I started this blog 2 years ago trying to process "my dilemma" as I was calling it, because I was too afraid to even type the words lesbian or gay. The whole idea of me being gay was terrifying and I felt so very alone. Blogging really helped me find a community which was amazing and really helped me in those early months.

So now its been 2 years and I'm reflecting on everything and I feel like I should be at a different point than I am, I feel like I'm sort of beginning again. So let me back track a little bit, I count my official coming out as July 10, 2006 because that is when I first told my best friend and she was the first person who actually knows me in real life to know. At that time I just graduated from undergrad and was about to start my graduate program and move to a random ass southern city. At the time I was really looking forward to getting out of my home state of CT and from a lot of the people I knew because them knowing me was suffocating. Everyone had this perception of who I was, the good little Christian girl who did not curse, think about sex let alone have a sexuality, drink or do anything worldly ( you should have seen the uproar my first tattoo caused). That was just too much so I figured a change of scenery would be good. In hindsight I think that was the wrong decision. I left an area where I had someone who was showing me around all the Queer areas and guiding me to go to an area where I knew no one. When I left my hometown I was still in a place of trying to be what a lesbian was supposed to be like, which led me to do a lot of compromising. In my program I was the only Queer person there, and had to carry the weight of a whole community I still didn't fully understand. My program was very hostile and these past 2 years have been some of the hardest I've ever had to deal with. There were some nice moments while I was away but in general I was completely miserable, and this consequently sent me into a nice depression that I'm still working on emerging from.

I realized that when you're coming out you really need someone there to lead you along, show you the community, let you know you're not a freak and really be that shoulder. I definitely wouldn't have made it had it not been for my hetero friends, but your hetero friends can be very supportive ultimately I think you need another Queer person there. Because unless you've gone through this process you have no idea what it's like, and you can't ever fully relate. So I didn't have the gay guru when I was in grad school so I've been fumbling my way through this whole process and now that I'm home and confronting everything that I was running from before I feel like I'm back at square 1. However, being in such a hostile environment has given me more assurance in my identity and I'm definitely not going through the whole I don't know why the fuck I feel this way thing anymore. I know I'm a lesbian and I'm completely happy with it, its just that now I have to deal with this whole outside world, which is the annoying part. I'm searching for a community here either in CT or in NYC. I'm learning to deal with being the gay kid in my family and feeling like I fit, but not really because I'm not like everyone else. These are all things that I think I would have been farther along if I had not moved. Now I'm having to come out ot people who I'm not close with, and others that I hadn't said anything to, like my only Black Lesbian friend in College. Oddly its slightly harder to come out to Queer folks who knew me when I was a Super Christian.

Anyway so here I am 2 years out, and still learning, still growing and if there was any doubt to me being a Lesbian this long ass processing post should be evidence lol.

Oh Baby!

So my mom picked up my nephew for the weekend, and this little boy absolutely melts my heart. He is too adorable! He's such an easy going baby, he doesn't fuss and the way he laughs at me makes me feel like I'm the funniest person in the world. This past weekend I spent sometime with both my nephew and my godson, my godson mind you has puss and boots eyes. He's really going to cause me to give him whatever he wants because when he looks at me with those eyes I'm powerless. My nephew has long eyelashes and killer dimples, so basically I'm ready to empty my bank account if they ask me to.

My mom is so excited because she has another vegetarian in the house, even if he is only 10 months old. So I'm on baby duty pretty much, but I don't mind, he's just that cute. Right now as I'm sitting here he is knocked out on my bed. I was gonna let him stay in my bed, just so I don't have to wake him to move him, but he may be small but he can hog a bed. But, the main point of this post is looking at him and my Godson, I just wonder how could anyone ever hurt a child? I know all babies aren't as easy going, but how can you look down at that little person and want to seriously cause them harm?

Look at my beautiful nephew in the car with his cool shades on

I fell in love Sunday Night

I just had the amazing pleasure of seeing Lenelle Moise in her play Expatriate. It was amazing, hands down the best play I've ever seen. The descriptions I've seen of the play don't do it justice. The play is more than the story of 2 women who leave the U.S. to escape all the various isms in the U.S. Its really about the very real and complicated relationship between 2 longtime friends Claudie and Althine. I absolutely fell in love with the main character Claudie. I identified with her so much minus lusting after the best friend. She was so real and troubled. I love how Lenelle Moise was able to show how someone can have a life's worth of baggage and issues and still manage to be a whole person. Then there is Althine who is such a familiar character. I feel like everyone has an Althine in their life. You watch Althine go down this self destructive path and you are rooting for her the whole time. the combination of supeb acting and amazing music completely pulled you in. The fusion of jazz, and jazz influenced music just captivated me. The play starred Lenelle Moise and also Karla Mosley who played Althine. Mosley was amazing (I know how many times can I use amazing, but there really is no other word to describe this play). Karla Mosley really owned the character of Althine she made you feel everything Althine was. I will give away that Althine does struggle with addiction, and Karla Mosley played the cracked out singer role so well I felt like I was watching Whitney Houston on Being Bobby Brown. I found myself sitting there and just wondering how I managed to see this amazing play. I wondered how did she create this piece. I love how Claudie is a Lesbian in the play and sexuality is definitely a large part of this work, but its not the only piece. It is not a tragic coming out story, or the same tired story of the poor lesbian forever lusting after her unsuspecting best friend.

Even though Karla Mosley was stunning, I have fallen completely in love with Lenelle Moise, seriously COMPLETELY in love with her. I love a strong intelligent beautiful woman, and Lenelle Moise is all that and more. She not only starred in the play but she also wrote and composed it. I was lucky enough to get a front row center seat for the play and at one point she glanced down and her eyes were piercing. I saw all the passion and emotion she brought to this role. I went on the night where there was a talk back session about Black Queer protagonists and when she came back out she literally took my breath away she was so stunning. I sat there and just soaked up everything she said. Afterward I shook her hand and I got a picture taken with her, but I get so star struck I couldn't say all I wanted to. I wanted to tell her how much this play touched me, even now its hard to describe. I've been really going through a rough time lately and battling some serious bouts depression, and seeing me reflected back not only in the play but in the wonderful example of a strong beautiful Black Queer woman that is Lenelle Moise, really made me feel so much better. She was so nice when I spoke to her briefly and incoherently (damn my starkstruckness!) I was so nervous I forgot to introduce myself and she asked my name and when she asked I was like why would you even care who I am. But, she is that down earth not just putting up with annoying fans. If stalking wasn't annoying, creepy, illegal and a real turn off I would so stalk her lol! If anyone is in the NYC area and wants to go, but doesn't want to go alone I will go with you, because if I bring its less stalkerish....right? lol
But in all seriousness she was able to put together such a beautiful piece of art that didn't just entertain me, but it touched me. Lenelle and Sharon Bridgeforth were talking about the importance of making positive life choices and choosing to be healthy, and I needed to hear that.
After going to this play I felt the way I do when I go to a U People event, I felt at home.

drunk post

I am drunk at la escuelita in NYC having a great time but I decided to document my drunkeness online. So its official my first and most likely last drunk post. Merry christmas and a happy new year. I haven't been drunk in 2 months by the way

Sober edit:
Yeah so I thought it would be a great idea to post while I was drunk and at the club from my phone. Maybe that wasn't such a good idea, that last drink DEFINITELY wasn't a good idea as I found out on Sunday, but hey I'm all about being young and irresponsible for a while. However, I don't think I'll be drinking like that for a while, hangovers are not fun at all.

New Music

New Music!!

So I just discovered the wonderfulness that is Adele!

The UK is really doing there thing, Amy Winehouse, Leona Lewis and now Adele. As much as I love Amy Winehouse I think Adele might be gaining on her in my heart. Adele isn't completely strung out on drugs, doesn't have any racist videos circulating, she's beautiful, she's plus sized and can sing her ass off. I love when she was asked about losing weight she said she would lose weight when it began to interfere with her sex life!

So some of my favorite songs from her album are

Her big single Chasing Pavements



Right as Rain



Daydreamer, which is not only beautiful, but also written about her bisexual boyfriend who left her for a man. What I love is that it doesn't go the previous routes of bisexual men in r&b songs. Examples A & B. But enjoy a beautiful song



and hands down my favorite song on the whole album Melt my heart to stone.




Thanks again to the wonderful people at U People, I've again discovered another great artist Joy Denalane. The June mix by DJ Lunaceptive features a song by her not on her album called Torch of Freedom which is amazing! So I did research and absolutely love her whole album. She's talented, beautiful, and conscious. What more can you ask for?!
My favorites are

Heaven or Hell



Stranger in this land




Let Go





and Sometimes Love



She's German, and I wish I knew German because she sounds great. Here's a song of hers in German called Sag´s Mir.



I have no idea what she said but didn't it sound great?


She also represents for her South African roots in the song Soweto '76-'06. There's an English version on her Album Born and Raised, but here's the video from the German version but with subtitles.

Color Quiz

Surprisingly accurate

I took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test! "Preoccupied with things of an intensely exciting n..." Click here to read the rest of the results.

Jurnee, Jurnee, Jurnee

I just watched the Great Debaters which was excellent by the way, but I was definitely distracted by the beauty that is Jurnee Smollett. You may remember her as the little girl from Eve's Bayou. This was her then

and this is her now

All I can say is DAMN she's beautiful! I may just have to invite her into my circle of Love. What is my circle of love you may ask? well its just the nice arrangement my many wives and I have, that allows us to all get along wonderfully.

Anyways more pictures of Jurnee is definitely required.


* now the pin up pic may not be the most progressive, but you can't deny how beautiful she looks*

Lenelle Moise

So I was working on this post about how I'm tired of being the gay kid at home, but then I got onto youtube thanks to Evolving, looking at videos of Lenelle Moise and OH MY GOODNESS! I'm in love! She's wonderful! She's also Haitian which makes my bootleg Haitian self happy. So instead of finishing that post today I'm gonna post some wonderful vids of Lenelle Moise. Madivinez is my new favorite word and now officially the 2nd word I know in Creole .

baby on the way

Right now I'm in the hospital with my cousin as she's getting induced. She's doing really well so far handling the pain and everything.
Now I know she's only 16 but people shouldn't assume she doesn't know what she's in for. This white male nurse comes in and talks to her like she's an idiot then he asks if she remembers the doctor that's going to induce her. He proceeds to describe her as "a Black girl". I was too through, but I tried to be calm for my cousin, but I was too aggravated. So now I'm waiting with my family for our newest member to arrive. Trying not to kill any one

Missing in Action

So I've been a little MIA lately because so much has happened. I moved out of the hell that was my southern city. I defended my thesis...successfully? I have some major revisions to do but I haven't had the time/motivation. I'm also home finally! The move was a grueling 16 hour drive, it usually only takes about 13-14 but for some reason it took so much longer. I'm still in the process of unpacking which is taking longer than it needs to. This is partly due to the fact that I don't have any motivation to do anything besides play board games with my family. We've been playing monopoly, Life, Uno, Crazy eights and Bull Shit. I killed in Monopoly the first game, but then lost miserably, but its been fun playing with my little cousins and my sister. What's funny is that during life I was the only one who didn't land on a tile to have any children, figure the dyke is discriminated against lol.
My little cousin was due on tuesday so she's now 3 days over due and so ready for this baby to be born. I've gone to 2 appointments and seen her get a sonogram and hear the baby's heartbeat. It was pretty cool I was dancing to the heartbeat. I find it hard to believe that she's going to be a mother soon. She's only 16 but ready or not she's gonna be a mommy. The father has skipped out of the picture, he pops in every now and then but is nowhere near as involved as he claimed he was going to be. But, she's handling it well, she's gonna be a good mom. I going to be in the room when she delivers and I'm not sure how I feel about that, I don't really want to see all of that. I saw a video when I was in the 7th grade and it seriously made me want to reconsider having children, and now I'm at a point in my life where I'm not sure I want to have kids. I really like kids, but I'm definitely not in a place where I feel like I want to be responsible for another person, someone who is really depending on me for everything... that's scary. Anyway I'm slowly emerging from my family seclusion and should be posting more soon.

I'm done with Black Studies

Not only am I done with Black studies but I'm done with Black solidarity. Let me explain what I mean, I'm not done with caring about and supporting my people but no longer will I do so at my own expense. For the past 2 years I have been pursuing a masters degree in Black Studies, and during these 2 years I have had to deal with a ridiculous amount of bias because not only am I a Black woman, but I'm also a lesbian.
My department tries to appear as if they're open and accepting towards non heterosexuals but they're not. I've had to fight just to pursue my research interest and when I produce this research I've had to work 10 times harder than anyone else to show that it is legitimate research. I've had to be the lone voice arguing against heterosexist scholars that we read, but I've also had to deal with harassment because at the time of my entry I was the only out person in the department. To my knowledge in the 5 years that the graduate program has existed I was the first openly queer student. The lack of Queer people in this department has made the faculty complacent in ignoring all issues regarding sexuality. So when it comes time for me to write my thesis and I want to investigate Black Butch Lesbians all I get is resistance. The chair who reluctantly agreed to chair my thesis knows nothing about gender theory, so I've received no critiques of my argument. She's been completely hostile and disorganized the entire time that I've been writing this damned thesis. I've had to listen to her berate me and my work while she's barely read any of it. But did I complain? No. Why? Because I wanted to support my black people and didn't want to cause a commotion, but I'm done with that. I'm tired of being silent because I didn't want to cause problems for Black people who could care less about me, which was evident by the way they treat me. I wish this was the first time that I've had to deal with shit like this, but no I've had to put up with this same shit from my cohort and an entire conference on Black Studies. A friend of mine presented on how a lot of Black women and Black Queer people have left Black studies to do their research in other departments because Black Studies is so hostile. I am about to join the rest of them because I'm tired, I don't think I can take the abuse anymore. I'm tired of being tokenized or ignored in the discipline that is supposed to represent me. I know women's studies can be just as hostile towards women of color - as evidenced by the whole Andrea Smith debacle- but I'm tired. It seems that while women's studies has a tendency to be very white it seems like they at least try to be more inclusive, while Black studies could care less. When I go to reapply to PhD programs at this point the only Black Studies PhD program I'll be applying to is Northwestern because they have a real demonstrated commitment to Queer people and doing research outside of the heteronormative box. So I'm done, I'm tired and I'm pissed! And when I'm finally done with this thesis process I'm complaining to the dean, because this can not continue.

I'm done with Black Studies

The saturday from hell

So I wake up saturday excited for a new day, I decided to make a real breakfast. I bought some cornbeef hash which reminded my of my childhood, hooked it up with some eggs and my famous homefries. I'm all excited my food is done and looks great. So instead of sitting at my dining room table i want to eat in my living room, so as I'm walking to the living room I trip over my mop and knock it further in my way. Then I smash my toes against the mop and it HURT like hell! I was like damn I banged my foot good, then I look at my toe and I see a little bruise that's growing and getting darker. Then I look at it and wonder has my middle toe always been a little crooked, I don't think so. I've also never had a stubbed toe hurt this much before. It hurts so bad I feel nautious and I feel like crying - I don't cry... EVER! -- but it hurt that bad. So being the rational 24 year old woman I am, I call my mommy. She agrees its probably broken, so I decide to go to the ER and have a professional look at it, I don't want to have a crooked toe forever. So I hobble to the bathroom shower and get dressed. Then I call for a cab, and the phone just rings and rings and rings. Then I find another number and finally get a cab to come. A few minutes later I get a call the cab is outside he's a little confused and tells me to come out. I walk outside and don't see a cab, then I look down the street and see it about a block away from my house. So I hobble down the block to this damn cab and I'm in pain and he wants to make conversation, clearly I'm not in the mood. I ask him to take me to the ER and this idiot takes me to another entrance so I have to walk through this damn hospital to get to the ER.
Fortunately I didn't have to wait long to be seen only about 30 mins. I don't know why when I have a broken to does everyone decide they want to walk me all over the damn hospital, but I have to walk to the most out of the way area. They check me out take me to get an X ray and this ass of an x ray tech needs to get a side view of my toe, so he needs to put a tongue depresser to push my toe up. At first he was gentle, and then for some reason he forgets he's xraying my toe because its most likely broken. This mother fucker starts wiggling my broken toe around like its a fucking piece of clay. I'm clutching the damn x ray table in an effort to not clutch his throat. Can someone please explain why he needed a little led vest while he was holding the tongue depresser from hell and I didn't get one. Anyway I finally get back to the exam room and they confirm my toe is broken and then they tell me that I get to have a fucking munster shoe and crutches. Then the nurse comes to figure out what size for this damn shoe and he feels the need to comment on how big my feet are, because that was fucking necessary! His ignorant country ass had the nerve to say woo doggie, that's a big foot. Who says shit like that! I'm finally free from this damn hospital, and I call the cab again. Now this cab couldn't come to the entrance I told them, no he had to park down a huge fucking slope, do you know how hard it is to manage crutches down a slope? So this is how I spent my wonderful saturday, now I feel trapped in my house. Because, walking too much hurts my toe, but I can't manage these damn crutches. So how was your weekend?

Look at my sexy new footwear

My Wifey Won!!

MY WIFEY WON!!!

Thanks to all who voted, my wife Rose Rollins won the Downelink.com Hottest Down and out character!!!
Thank you all for ensuring continued marital bliss!

I have been kidnapped by Octavia Butler!

I have been kidnapped by Octavia Butler!

Her words completely have me held captive. It all started out when I suggested that my friend read some of her works, for a summer read. She didn't start with the suggested Kindred, but instead went straight to Dawn. She was so into it that I had to pick it up. I was lucky enough to find the whole series neatly packaged in Lilith's Brood. I really liked Dawn, I liked Adulthood Rites but it turned out to be a little intense at times, but I devoured Imago. That was by far my favorite.

I already had Parable of the Sower and Fledgling in my house but hadn't gotten to them yet. But, after falling in love with the Xenogenesis trilogy I went and bought all the Octavia Butler I could find. I bought the Wild Seed and The parable of the Talents. After finishing Lilith's Brood/ Xenogenesis trilogy I dove into the Parable of the Sower and OH MY GOD! I can't put it down. I have to literally pull myself away from it, but its so hard I'm so completely enthralled by her words.
She's such an amazing writer! Its a shame she's passed on and once I finish her works there will be no more new ones. I've purposefully not told you anything about these books, because if you haven't read them then this is the best way to begin, without knowing any background. So don't walk but run and pick up everything she's written and sit back and enjoy. Also don't read the back of the book, which I know is only going to tempt you, but the back of Parable of the Sower gives away something you don't find out until halfway through the book.

Word on the street is that she was also a Lesbian, which from this picture, doesn't surprise me.

Yes I'm being stereotypical, but you know you were thinking it too!

I can't pull myself away from the Parable of the Sower any longer, so I'm going back to finish it.

Hot 100

After Ellen's Hot 100 is finally up! My wife made a big jump and I'm very happy about that. She's not #1 like she should be, but she knows she's always #1 in my book.

I'm not feeling Tina Fey as #1 especially after her whole bitch is the new black bull shit. I also don't find her hot, but clearly a lot of other people do. However, Sara Ramirez made a big jump to #8 which is amazing and completely deserved. I was shocked that America Ferrera wasn't on the list this year.

So here are some of the women I voted for:

Rose Rollins aka My wife

I don't really need to go into again why she's HOT! Besides the fact that she really is beautiful, she's smart and funny and very down to earth. Also we're getting married duh!

America FerreraI was shocked she didn't make the list this year, she's beautiful! I love her even though she has poor taste in politicians. Last year she was 30 and she just fell off this year.

Sara RamirezBeautiful! Gay friendly! Now playing a Queer character, Sexy! Intelligent! The list goes on and on!

Olive Demetrius and Hanifah Walidah

Olive's shout out aside, they're amazing! Beautiful, intelligent really committed to the community. Made an amazing Documentary which I cited as much as I could remember in my thesis. They're just Great! They didn't make the list but they are included in the video commentary, which is hilarious.

Staceyann ChinShe is definitely beautiful! Completely bad ass, out spoken, opinionated and all around amazing!

Cathy DeBuonoI love Cathy, she has a great Vlog on AfterEllen where she gives out great advice. She's HOT! Rides a motorcycle and just seems like a great human being. Some haters on AE like to make some not so nice comments about her, but they're all crazy. She's AMAZING!!!

I'm famous ya'll

Okay not really but you all know that I love U People and everything they do and faithfully watch their vlog. Well today's new vlog featured the amazing Zanele Muholi. I've posted about her before and she's just amazing. Anyways while I'm enjoying the wonderfulness that is Olive and Hanifah and Olive gives me a shout out! She mentioned me and I actually screamed in my apartment, it actually went more like OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! Lol So if you haven't already experienced the wonderfulness that is the U People click play below.







Also if you're in the NYC area you have to go to their Brooklyn Pride performance on June 12th. The other love of my life Staceyann Chin will be performing along with Hanifah and Shelley Nicole's Blakbushe. I've seen them both perform and you're in for an amazing performance go and watch me be incredible jealous. Click the pic for more info

Callica

Okay I don't know if you can tell but Grey's Anatomy last night blew my mind!! Here's a wonderful fanvid put together. Yay Callica!!!

OH MY GOD!!!

I was actually writing up a post about one of my other wives Mia Michaels, but I had to stop because OH SHIT!! Grey's Fucking Anatomy!!!

If you haven't seen the season finale yet you are missing out, it was amazing!! Spoilers ahead for those who don't want to know.


but Callie and Hahn!!!!!!!!! OH MY GOD!!! AMAZING!!! I really hope they keep this relationship up!!

Did you guys watch? What did you think? I loved every minute of the episode.

Sara Ramirez kissing another woman!!! Its too much for my heart to handle. Laura how are you doing?


edit:
I've added some pictures I've gotten from AfterEllen you should also go over their and read their more coherent recap.