I actually love all lesbians, but today my love for Black Lesbians has grown even more than I thought it could. The community that I felt at the conference the other week was great, and I've yearned for that sense of community again. Today there was a mini conference put on by my supervisor for Black women. I presented this morning on Body politics, and really wanted to leave after because I haven't felt well but I heard this woman was going to present, and she is very active in the queer community here. She's a beautiful Black lesbian who is very outspoken.
So I went to her panel on Spiritual Abuse and I was so moved. She spoke to so many of the feelings that I have felt about my spiritual life and walk. I really felt at ease and thought then that I was in love with her and she couldn't be more on point. Then the panel on sexuality came up and she opened with I'm going to talk about what its like being a out Black lesbian, and how I'm tired of you all being afraid of me." She also said that it was Black women who have hurt her the most with rejection. As she spoke, she spoke more and more to every single feeling that I've had since coming out. She spoke to my fear of outing myself in front of Black women, my fear of no longer belonging in the Black female community. I connected to her so much from across the room.
Every time I speak to another Black lesbian, and am reminded that I'm not alone I feel so warm and comfortable, because it’s a reminder I frequently need. This is why it is so important for us to be out and open about our lives and struggles, because you never know who is listening. Her talking about her experiences and being open and honest and it touched me so much. I felt so encouraged and inspired by hearing her speak. She spoke to my experience so far, it was like she was reading my mind. This just further reinforced to me the importance of community, of being not only out but proud. I'm not there yet I'm still working on it, but meeting women like her give me hope and something to aim for.
I'm done!!!!
Well not really, this has been one of my roughest weeks EVER!! Last night I got 2 hours of sleep. I was writing a paper on African philosophy which needed to be 15 pages long and my mind just shut down. It decided that it didn't care about Wiredu, Mudimbe and Appiah and it damn sure didn't care about E.E. Evans Pritchard. So today as I was in my office ready to have a mental breakdown and then I get the wonderful shining call! Our professor is allowing us to hand in the paper after spring break HALLELUJAH!!!!!!
I had to interview a certain someone on Tuesday and it was kind of great, she's awe inspiring! I also had an almost-not-quite-weird-awkward-hangout-possible-date with her last week...and yeah it was just weird but Tuesday all was well.
As I told myself I wasn't going to blog (eventhough Brownfemipower made me break that with her radical hot blogging...but I enjoyed every minute of it :D), I thought of so many topics I wanted to get everyone's opinion on. So stay tuned
oh and I just won 3rd place in an essay contest!!! I'm kind of excited
This semester has really been kicking my butt. I feel like I'm constantly playing catch up, and now just when I thought I had finally gotten it together MID TERMS! This translates to 2 huge midterms due in a week. I'm trying to figure out what in the hell I'm going to write my thesis about, and the other papers I have coming up. I'm so thankful that I decided to go for my masters and then the PhD because I am no where near ready for a PhD program yet. I think I'll be ready by next year. However, what I'm struggling with now is my lack of motivation combined with my procrastination. Instead of blogging I should be working on my presentation for tomorrow and the one I have coming up in about two weeks at the National Council of Black Studies Conference. I'm very excited to be presenting, and hearing all of the other presenters.
In other great news, this past Sunday I went to church. It’s an affirming church that I've been to a few times but always skipped out rather quickly. But this Sunday was different, first it was packed so I couldn't get my normal hiding seat in the back, so I sat very exposed on the aisle. While at this church I've never taken communion because I'm a slight germaphobe and they place the communion wafer in your mouth with their unwashed hands, and to be perfectly honest that kind of freaks me out. What is really beautiful is that people don't take communion by themselves they go up with their friends and family, and it just touches my heart to see all these beautiful Queer families together taking communion and feeling really accepted. So I really wanted to take communion because I haven't in a while, but my germaphobia just wouldn't let me budge. Then this week an usher says he'll go with me and gives me the push I need and it really touched me. This church also has little snacks/pot lucks and this time I went and met some nice young black lesbians and I felt good, I felt accepted. For the time that I was at church I felt like everything was going to be alright. I had hope, I felt like I could still be connected to God and a Lesbian. It was a beautiful thing, and then I got to see my future wife win the Oscar so all is well!
I probably won't be able to post until after mid terms in a week, but send me lots of positive vibes and any spare motivation.
I am so sick and tired of the competition within academic settings. I don't know if it’s just me but it’s really ridiculous. This past week I have had to deal with all sorts of ridiculous petty drama, mainly because I called someone out on their homophobia and it didn't go over so well.
But back to silly competition, it’s crazy! I made a good point in class and got complemented on it and the supreme kiss ass in class couldn't handle it and got all testy. He tried to take away from my point and said he had already said that... come on! When are people going to grow up! I am too old for this bull shit; I'm not in to competing over who makes the best point in class, and who writes the better paper. I'm here trying to get the most out of this program so hopefully I can get in to a good PhD program. However, these idiots just want to fill my life with drama. Well I'm done! I'm done with people, I'm done with foolish competition, and I’m just staying focused and ignoring everyone around me. There is competition over assistantships and who can present first. I foolishly thought that in
Thanks to all those who posted nice encouraging words , I haven't had enough time to respond, but I really appreciate it. Darkmind I'm actually taking some of your advice and I just cut someone out of my life.
One of my favorite songs from Dreamgirls is "I am Changing", I'm in love with Jennifer Hudson as it is, but when she sings this song it’s so powerful. I feel this song every part of it, I get it. I'm so reflective, I'm constantly in my head, and over the past few months I definitely hit a down spiral in my acceptance of my sexuality. The Audre Lorde quote that I have on my page really fits what I’m going through so much
"I remember how being young and black and gay and lonely felt. A lot of it was fine, feeling I had the truth and the light and the key, but a lot of it was purely hell."
When I first came out, to myself, and then to friends, I was elated! Everything just made so much sense. Then, I started to experience the hell part, the little comments, the realizing that some of the places and people that I love don't accept me, and that Hurt like hell! I can't say that I'm not still feeling that now. Me and one of my friends who I love dearly are in a weird place now because she doesn't want to talk about me. She only wants the me that she finds acceptable. Being in this weird place with her is really causing me a lot of pain. She represents so much more than just our fractured relationship, she was my spiritual support. I depended on her and now she’s made the choice to ignore a large part of me and not be there for me spiritually. A lot of the stuff that I’ve been going through has to deal with my faith. I feel like I can’t be a Christian and a Lesbian. In my head I know that’s not true, but I can’t seem to convince my heart. I’m terrified that all those people who say that I’m going to hell are right. I’m terrified of living my life a part from God. This alone has really sent me in to some bad places lately, and more than anything I’ve felt so alone. Like no one understood. Then last semester I wrote a kick ass paper on Black Lesbian Identity. In some respects I felt like a fraud writing that paper. I kept thinking I just came out, what do I know about anything. In writing that paper I was searching for something that let me know that I wasn’t crazy. That paper really helped me. I really got to work out some major issues and had hope that I wasn't completely alone in this all. It even prepared me for what was coming ahead and for that I'm truly thankful. I look at women like Jewelle Gomez, Barbara Smith, Audre Lorde, Mignon Moore, I felt like they were my family, my sisters preparing me for the difficult road ahead.
I've gone through so many different emotions, I've been beaming with pride, I've been terrified, I've wanted to go to one of those ex-gay places, I've wanted to hide, I've wanted to cry, I've cried, I've wanted to live, I've wanted to die, I've been through it all and I know its not over. I feel like I've reached an important place, I've come to realize that this is me, and it’s not going to change. Now I'm working on completely loving that. I'm not gonna lie, I'm not there yet, but I'm working on it. One of the most difficult things about being out, for me has been dealing with people’s expectations. In the beginning I was so afraid that I wasn’t really a lesbian. I knew I wasn’t straight, but I thought that I was asexual. Because I wasn’t like other lesbians, I didn’t feel a part of the queer community. I found myself going trying to fit everyone’s conception of Lesbians. As I think back on it now, I realize how little sense this all makes, but at the time that’s where I was at. I’m finally reaching the point where I’m comfortable, I know my sexuality and no one can dictate that to me. Last week I was at a party and that girl that I mentioned earlier was there (it was great we had a moment, but that’s a whole other post) Anyways one of my friends bought her boyfriend (who had previously made a side comment about homosexuality being an abomination) and the girl I’m in to, we’ll call her Lee, dresses more masculine. Later when discussing Lee with a friend who also thinks that she is hot. He asks if she likes Lee because she’s a woman and she likes women or is it because Lee dresses like a man. He then says well if I see the same thing as my friend in Lee then I’m not really a lesbian! I was so pissed when I heard he had said all this. It pissed me off that I can’t be attracted to a masculine woman without some idiot questioning my sexuality. It pissed me off because no one knows my sexuality like I do. Its mine and I’m not going to let anyone take that from me. I think that’s what’s making the difference now, I’ve reclaimed my sexuality. Its idiots like this guy, who feel like they have any say over my life, like they from the outside can tell me about what’s going on, on the inside. But I will not let him or anyone else question my sexuality. I love women and that’s it. Things are different now, when I watch logo and here people’s stories I identify with them. I feel a part now. I was listening to one guy’s story about how his mother told him to either change or get out and never speak to her again and he left. He choose to be honest with himself, and I know what that’s like, because when questioning my position with God. I thought about repenting and praying for forgiveness for my feelings but I can’t. I can’t pray that I’ll change because I have no control over this, I can’t not be a lesbian. In my mind I’m risking a lot but I don’t feel like there’s any other choice. So this is where I am. This has been my journey thus far, and I’m interested in where it’s going to go from here.
