I love Black Lesbians!!

I actually love all lesbians, but today my love for Black Lesbians has grown even more than I thought it could. The community that I felt at the conference the other week was great, and I've yearned for that sense of community again. Today there was a mini conference put on by my supervisor for Black women. I presented this morning on Body politics, and really wanted to leave after because I haven't felt well but I heard this woman was going to present, and she is very active in the queer community here. She's a beautiful Black lesbian who is very outspoken.

So I went to her panel on Spiritual Abuse and I was so moved. She spoke to so many of the feelings that I have felt about my spiritual life and walk. I really felt at ease and thought then that I was in love with her and she couldn't be more on point. Then the panel on sexuality came up and she opened with I'm going to talk about what its like being a out Black lesbian, and how I'm tired of you all being afraid of me." She also said that it was Black women who have hurt her the most with rejection. As she spoke, she spoke more and more to every single feeling that I've had since coming out. She spoke to my fear of outing myself in front of Black women, my fear of no longer belonging in the Black female community. I connected to her so much from across the room.

Every time I speak to another Black lesbian, and am reminded that I'm not alone I feel so warm and comfortable, because it’s a reminder I frequently need. This is why it is so important for us to be out and open about our lives and struggles, because you never know who is listening. Her talking about her experiences and being open and honest and it touched me so much. I felt so encouraged and inspired by hearing her speak. She spoke to my experience so far, it was like she was reading my mind. This just further reinforced to me the importance of community, of being not only out but proud. I'm not there yet I'm still working on it, but meeting women like her give me hope and something to aim for.

I'M 23!!!

Today's my birthday...it kind of sucks because I have a lot of work to do and I can't be with the people I would like to be with today....but anyways YAY for me its MY BIRTHDAY!!!!!

Ms. Ramirez sings

For Laura Luna ... She can't sing better than J Hud but she does a damn good job ;)

random

HOT OFF

and

Amy Winehouse!!!!

Community

So I know I said that I was done and therefore back before but this week has been absolutely crazy and exciting. First my friends came to visit and it was great to see them and show them the new me. I do think that they had some issues adjusting to the new me, the me I'm still learning about, but it was good.

Then as I told you all before I won 3rd place in an essay contest for this Black Studies Conference. In winning I had to briefly tell the whole conference about my paper at a luncheon. I also presented on the same paper at a Panel, my paper was on Black Lesbian Identity. I was so nervous but in the end it was great! This one woman who had come to my school to present on her dissertation earlier this month was there and she sat in the front row. I admire her work so much and was so nervous about how she would react, and she was completely supportive. She sat in the front row and just nodded the whole entire time, and that really set the tone for the whole weekend. I was nervous because this tends to be a very Afrocentric conference, not afrocentric in the way that most people think, but grounded in the theory of Afrocentricity. Homophobia is not embedded within this theory but there is a tendency for Afrocentrists to be homophobic, and view homosexuality as a white disease. So I was really shocked when I won 3rd in the essay contest. But while there I met some amazing Black lesbians who were completely supportive and genuinely proud of me. I found my community, I felt comfortable and safe around them. I got to go out to dinner with a bunch of wonderful Black Feminists/Womanists and it was completely empowering and encouraging. After that I felt like we could start the revolution right then and there.

After I gave my panel presentation this one woman comes up to me and says "thank you for doing this research". The support that I got from the woman I met this weekend was so wonderful and encouraging that I was overwhelmed. I wanted to bring them all home with me so this support could never end. This was one of the first times since I came out that I didn't feel completely alone. I was completely overwhelmed with the out pouring of Love and support from everyone I met there. My essay may even be published!! This weekend gave me even more motivation to continue on in focusing on Black Lesbians, it gave me hope that there is a community out there for me, it gave me strength.

J Hud! J Hud J HUD!!!!!!

Oh Jennifer Hudson! How I love thee

I'm Done!!

I'm done!!!!
Well not really, this has been one of my roughest weeks EVER!! Last night I got 2 hours of sleep. I was writing a paper on African philosophy which needed to be 15 pages long and my mind just shut down. It decided that it didn't care about Wiredu, Mudimbe and Appiah and it damn sure didn't care about E.E. Evans Pritchard. So today as I was in my office ready to have a mental breakdown and then I get the wonderful shining call! Our professor is allowing us to hand in the paper after spring break HALLELUJAH!!!!!!

I had to interview a certain someone on Tuesday and it was kind of great, she's awe inspiring! I also had an almost-not-quite-weird-awkward-hangout-possible-date with her last week...and yeah it was just weird but Tuesday all was well.

As I told myself I wasn't going to blog (eventhough Brownfemipower made me break that with her radical hot blogging...but I enjoyed every minute of it :D), I thought of so many topics I wanted to get everyone's opinion on. So stay tuned

oh and I just won 3rd place in an essay contest!!! I'm kind of excited

Radical hot blogging

BrownFemiPower is having a hot off for Radical Hot Blogging go check it out and weigh in. Currently there is competition between the cast of clueless vs. Mean Girls vs. Heathers.

I added in Rose Rollins vs. Jennifer Beals in the L word "I hope to God they were really lesbians" category .

And also the normal sized actress (forget that whole full figured, plus sized label thats a bunch of bulls)

Jennifer Hudson vs. Sara Ramirez

This semester has really been kicking my butt. I feel like I'm constantly playing catch up, and now just when I thought I had finally gotten it together MID TERMS! This translates to 2 huge midterms due in a week. I'm trying to figure out what in the hell I'm going to write my thesis about, and the other papers I have coming up. I'm so thankful that I decided to go for my masters and then the PhD because I am no where near ready for a PhD program yet. I think I'll be ready by next year. However, what I'm struggling with now is my lack of motivation combined with my procrastination. Instead of blogging I should be working on my presentation for tomorrow and the one I have coming up in about two weeks at the National Council of Black Studies Conference. I'm very excited to be presenting, and hearing all of the other presenters.

In other great news, this past Sunday I went to church. It’s an affirming church that I've been to a few times but always skipped out rather quickly. But this Sunday was different, first it was packed so I couldn't get my normal hiding seat in the back, so I sat very exposed on the aisle. While at this church I've never taken communion because I'm a slight germaphobe and they place the communion wafer in your mouth with their unwashed hands, and to be perfectly honest that kind of freaks me out. What is really beautiful is that people don't take communion by themselves they go up with their friends and family, and it just touches my heart to see all these beautiful Queer families together taking communion and feeling really accepted. So I really wanted to take communion because I haven't in a while, but my germaphobia just wouldn't let me budge. Then this week an usher says he'll go with me and gives me the push I need and it really touched me. This church also has little snacks/pot lucks and this time I went and met some nice young black lesbians and I felt good, I felt accepted. For the time that I was at church I felt like everything was going to be alright. I had hope, I felt like I could still be connected to God and a Lesbian. It was a beautiful thing, and then I got to see my future wife win the Oscar so all is well!

I probably won't be able to post until after mid terms in a week, but send me lots of positive vibes and any spare motivation.

PISSED!!!

I'm swamped with work right now so this is going to be short. But in my department there are a few constant debates the main one is on hip hop, the good the bad and the ugly, and the other is Alice Walker's the color purple. I check out of the hip hop one, but am always involved in the Alice Walker one, especially once I hear the arguments. The debate isn't about whether or not The Color Purple was good or not, but rather how Alice Walker made Black men look horrible. The men arguing against her are upset because to them Black men treating Black women so horribly is almost unheard of. To make it even worst a professor today said that he had found no proof that Black men beat their wives and rape their daughters! ............. I CAN NOT BELIEVE THAT!!

To make such a bogus statement is ridiculous. I wasn't there when the professor made the statement, but my question is has he talked to any Black women? EVER!

When are people going to open their minds and stop denying the fact that Black men do in fact cause harm to Black women.

Because you all LOOOVE when I put up pics of beautiful women, and I'm also procrastinating to the nth degree...

Introducing my new obsession Rose Rollins better known as Tasha on the L word

Grow up!

I am so sick and tired of the competition within academic settings. I don't know if it’s just me but it’s really ridiculous. This past week I have had to deal with all sorts of ridiculous petty drama, mainly because I called someone out on their homophobia and it didn't go over so well.
But back to silly competition, it’s crazy! I made a good point in class and got complemented on it and the supreme kiss ass in class couldn't handle it and got all testy. He tried to take away from my point and said he had already said that... come on! When are people going to grow up! I am too old for this bull shit; I'm not in to competing over who makes the best point in class, and who writes the better paper. I'm here trying to get the most out of this program so hopefully I can get in to a good PhD program. However, these idiots just want to fill my life with drama. Well I'm done! I'm done with people, I'm done with foolish competition, and I’m just staying focused and ignoring everyone around me. There is competition over assistantships and who can present first. I foolishly thought that in Grad School people would actually act like adults, silly me.

Thanks to all those who posted nice encouraging words , I haven't had enough time to respond, but I really appreciate it. Darkmind I'm actually taking some of your advice and I just cut someone out of my life.

My Journey thus far

One of my favorite songs from Dreamgirls is "I am Changing", I'm in love with Jennifer Hudson as it is, but when she sings this song it’s so powerful. I feel this song every part of it, I get it. I'm so reflective, I'm constantly in my head, and over the past few months I definitely hit a down spiral in my acceptance of my sexuality. The Audre Lorde quote that I have on my page really fits what I’m going through so much

"I remember how being young and black and gay and lonely felt. A lot of it was fine, feeling I had the truth and the light and the key, but a lot of it was purely hell."

When I first came out, to myself, and then to friends, I was elated! Everything just made so much sense. Then, I started to experience the hell part, the little comments, the realizing that some of the places and people that I love don't accept me, and that Hurt like hell! I can't say that I'm not still feeling that now. Me and one of my friends who I love dearly are in a weird place now because she doesn't want to talk about me. She only wants the me that she finds acceptable. Being in this weird place with her is really causing me a lot of pain. She represents so much more than just our fractured relationship, she was my spiritual support. I depended on her and now she’s made the choice to ignore a large part of me and not be there for me spiritually. A lot of the stuff that I’ve been going through has to deal with my faith. I feel like I can’t be a Christian and a Lesbian. In my head I know that’s not true, but I can’t seem to convince my heart. I’m terrified that all those people who say that I’m going to hell are right. I’m terrified of living my life a part from God. This alone has really sent me in to some bad places lately, and more than anything I’ve felt so alone. Like no one understood. Then last semester I wrote a kick ass paper on Black Lesbian Identity. In some respects I felt like a fraud writing that paper. I kept thinking I just came out, what do I know about anything. In writing that paper I was searching for something that let me know that I wasn’t crazy. That paper really helped me. I really got to work out some major issues and had hope that I wasn't completely alone in this all. It even prepared me for what was coming ahead and for that I'm truly thankful. I look at women like Jewelle Gomez, Barbara Smith, Audre Lorde, Mignon Moore, I felt like they were my family, my sisters preparing me for the difficult road ahead.

I've gone through so many different emotions, I've been beaming with pride, I've been terrified, I've wanted to go to one of those ex-gay places, I've wanted to hide, I've wanted to cry, I've cried, I've wanted to live, I've wanted to die, I've been through it all and I know its not over. I feel like I've reached an important place, I've come to realize that this is me, and it’s not going to change. Now I'm working on completely loving that. I'm not gonna lie, I'm not there yet, but I'm working on it. One of the most difficult things about being out, for me has been dealing with people’s expectations. In the beginning I was so afraid that I wasn’t really a lesbian. I knew I wasn’t straight, but I thought that I was asexual. Because I wasn’t like other lesbians, I didn’t feel a part of the queer community. I found myself going trying to fit everyone’s conception of Lesbians. As I think back on it now, I realize how little sense this all makes, but at the time that’s where I was at. I’m finally reaching the point where I’m comfortable, I know my sexuality and no one can dictate that to me. Last week I was at a party and that girl that I mentioned earlier was there (it was great we had a moment, but that’s a whole other post) Anyways one of my friends bought her boyfriend (who had previously made a side comment about homosexuality being an abomination) and the girl I’m in to, we’ll call her Lee, dresses more masculine. Later when discussing Lee with a friend who also thinks that she is hot. He asks if she likes Lee because she’s a woman and she likes women or is it because Lee dresses like a man. He then says well if I see the same thing as my friend in Lee then I’m not really a lesbian! I was so pissed when I heard he had said all this. It pissed me off that I can’t be attracted to a masculine woman without some idiot questioning my sexuality. It pissed me off because no one knows my sexuality like I do. Its mine and I’m not going to let anyone take that from me. I think that’s what’s making the difference now, I’ve reclaimed my sexuality. Its idiots like this guy, who feel like they have any say over my life, like they from the outside can tell me about what’s going on, on the inside. But I will not let him or anyone else question my sexuality. I love women and that’s it. Things are different now, when I watch logo and here people’s stories I identify with them. I feel a part now. I was listening to one guy’s story about how his mother told him to either change or get out and never speak to her again and he left. He choose to be honest with himself, and I know what that’s like, because when questioning my position with God. I thought about repenting and praying for forgiveness for my feelings but I can’t. I can’t pray that I’ll change because I have no control over this, I can’t not be a lesbian. In my mind I’m risking a lot but I don’t feel like there’s any other choice. So this is where I am. This has been my journey thus far, and I’m interested in where it’s going to go from here.

Because I'm procrastinating and Vegankid is my hero

Okay I went a whole entire week without doing anywork so I'm swamped now and am not seeing myself getting any sleep in the next 3 days. So before I buckle down and do some work please head over to VeganKid's site and check out some little known Black History facts! Black Americans as illegal immigrants

oh just in case it wasn't clear yet Vegan Kid is my new HERO!

Welcome to my mind

*Welcome to my mind with a lil stream of consciousness writing for you all hopefully you can follow it... my mind is scary place lol*

I’ve gained new words in my vocabulary. Words that I had never even thought about before are now a part of my life. Before if someone would have said the word stud to me, I would have thought of a man. Pride means something new to me, pride no longer means one of the seven deadly sins, but it’s something that I have yet to obtain. Where did my life go? Where did this life come from? What does this all mean? I find myself questioning things that I had never questioned before, but it’s necessary. I need to figure out what it means to be a woman who loves other women? Where is my femininity where is my identity as a woman? My whole entire life I had been taught that a woman is incomplete without a man, but now I find myself looking to a life that does not involve a man in my life romantically. But it does not necessarily mean that the love of my life will not be masculine. What does this all mean, if I am with a masculine woman? I must find an answer to all those who wonder why I just don’t go for a man. I know have to find the words to explain my attraction, something that came so natural to me, I had no control over. I can’t explain something that I did not create, but I just feel it. I feel it so deeply, but no one really understands that. I feel for women, I want to feel women and only women. I want to spend my life with a woman being pleased by a woman and pleasing a woman. Its so much more than sex, if it was as simple as sex things would be different. If sex was everything it would be easier but its more than sex. The erotic is more than sex, but that is not understood, that I desire I feel for women. Things change and things stay the same, essentially at the core of my being I am unchanged, but I am just finding new ways to express my essential being. I have to go through each day of my twenty two years and undo the lies, the hatred, and the pain and replace it with truth, love and healing because that is the only way to true liberation. I can not be angry for the rest of my life; I can not live my life for others. I do not wish anyone pain, but I will not suffer pain so that you can not because my life inconveniences you. I am me; I am complex, flawed and incomplete but always searching for completion. I wish I had the words to describe it, I wish words were enough but they’re not, they are incomplete they are flawed they are created by those who did not have me in mind. Words will never be enough and can never be enough, but they’ll just have to do.

Damn

Okay so I'm joing the band wagon of DAAAAAAAAMN!!! Serena's arms!! Oh and Congrats on the Australia Open

I'm getting Married

I'm getting Married!!!!!!!!!



okay not really, but I'm taking applications. I've got it all figured out. Its going to be a small wedding on a beach in South Africa. All I need now is the woman....Actually This woman

the lovely Staceyann Chin
Isn't she gorgeous?! But I'm not so shallow as to only go on looks, but she's sooooooooooo smart and outspoken, and political, and passionate, she's perfect!!
Now all I have to do is meet her and make her fall madly in love with me. Not like thats hard or anything, have you met me? ... Okay most of you probably haven't but trust me I've got it going on! LOL in all seriousness Staceyann Chin is absolutely amazing! Her poems move me, she's so honest about everything she writes about, its almost too much. So if anyone is best friends with her and wants to set us up just let me know :D

books and blogs

Hi, My name is Journey Woman and I'm addicted to books and blogs.
Its Midnight and I have a bunch of reading to do for tomorrow, and I have to get up early which I HATE! What am I doing? Reading for class tomorrow? Sleeping? No I'm reading blogs, posting on my blog and contemplating which of my new books am I going to read. I get a new book in the mail and I get excited! Help!

What I'm supposed to be reading:
African Philosophy

What I want to read instead:
Fledgling
Self Organizing Men
Two Thousand Seasons
Spoils of War

I wonder which group will win the fight? okay enough procrastinating and off to do some work. I seriously recommend you pick up any of these books even African Philosophy good stuff!!

Thanks again Vegankid for the recommendation, I'm only a couple of pages in and I already love it!

I would like to write

*This is from a journal entry I decided to try and turn in to a poem, I'm not a poet but I'm trying something new*

I would like to write

something

anything

that could adequately convey my emotion.



something

anything




I am lost.


the perpetual outsider
constantly
searching
for home.

floating in space
never at home.
Never accepted.

a loveless heart
torn a part

My heart longs for my former life.
My heart aches for my God.
My heart aches for a life that I was never destined to have.

Where do you go?

Where do you go?

when you are rejected by everyone?
Where is home?
Where is safety.

the words won’t allow themselves to come out
they are caught
in my throat
in my heart,
in my eyes
begging for release.

power?
authority?
for a life that I have yet to fully accept?

stuck

I don’t know how not to be me,


Pride?
where is my pride?

one mask for another
The pain is ever present in my heart
and I have no idea of how to expel it.
I would really like to see where I made my choice?

Dear Mr. President

I know I know Pop stars=Evil but I really like this song by pink. If you check youtube you will see a lot of videos made to this song, this is one of the best.