Stay tuned?

I miss this blog, but I don't know how to come back and blog again. I don't even know if anyone out here still peaks in, if you do I'm still here. I read all your comments.

When I first started this blog I was in such a different place. I was happy, that slowly ended. I've been through so many different spaces since then. The problem is that I've always blogged about how I was feeling and what was going on in my world, but unfortunately for the last few years I've haven't been able to see the positive things in my life. They are there, but they're just hard to see through all the shittiness that I feel. So that's where I'm at, I still wanna blog, I miss the community, and eventually I will come back to it. This may even be the first step, we'll see... stay tuned.

Choices and Waiting

In May I had to have surgery to remove the fibroids that had taken over my uterus and were fucking up my body in general. It was traumatic for many, many reasons but, I thought hey it's over. So post surgery I found out that the fibroids had made the prospect of me getting pregnant a lil more complicated then it would already have been (you know needing to get inseminated and all). I also was more likely to need a c-section having already had my uterus cut up. This all led me to the decision that I would most likely not get pregnant, I've always wanted to adopt anyway and my partner could always carry if we were so inclined. I was fairly settled on this decision but not 100%, but I'm young I have time to figure it all out, once I was a little further away from the trauma of my surgery.

When I went to my 4 week check up my doctor said that my fibroids were a typical but not cancerous so in 4 months he wanted me to have another ultra sound and see him again. I was semi worried but not too bad. Now, here it is 4 months later and I find out that I have more fibroids, they told me they removed all of my previous fibroids so it's safe to assume these are new. Now I'm in full panic mode, what does this mean? Will I have to get a hysterectomy? What's wrong with my body? So now I'm waiting again, on monday I talk with the doctor who did my surgery and I find out what all of this means. So now I'm sitting here waiting and going over all of the possibilities in my head, and I've come to the conclusion while I may not have to have a hysterectomy any time soon I see it in my near future, and what's most striking to me is that I'll no longer even have the option of carrying a child. Like I said before I was pretty settled on not carrying a child but I wasn't 100%. But now I'm facing losing that prospect completely, and that more than anything is what's scary for me. Not having a uterus really isn't going to mess with my idea of what it means to be a woman because have an uterus doesn't make me a woman. However, the idea that I'll lose the complete prospect of creating and carrying life in my body is distressing. To top this all off, there is the very real prospect that I'm going to lose my insurance so now I may have some medical condition and no insurance... what the hell am I supposed to do with that.

So I'm sitting here waiting, contemplating choices that I may never have and trying not to let my anxiety over it all touch me too close.

blogging and life

Quarterlife Queer and Evolving Contradiction both wrote posts about blogging and their intentions in blogging. I've been in a similar place I've been trying to post over and over again, about my surgery and where I'm at. I'm very much in the same place as Evolving, I find it easier to tell strangers things here than people in my everyday life. This is my place to get it all out.

But, I just can't seem to get the words out. The surgery went fine, I'm fine, I healed and lost 15lbs. But, despite all of that it was one of the most traumatic events of my life. It just pushed a lot of my buttons and really put me in an uncomfortable place. But, beyond this I can't just describe this situation enough. Now I'm in the process of processing the whole event and the issues that it brought up in me. Today my therapist said something that I found so astonishing. She said that I don't have to live the way I am. She said that I don't have to live in a world where I'm just biding my time in between crises. She said that I don't have to be happy and then sad, that there's something else... Maybe that's the first step envisioning a life, not of fame or fortune, but of health. So I have a lot of issues and most days I'm not sure if I'm coming or going, but I'm gonna believe that eventually I'll reach this magical place that my therapist mentioned, I'll call it stability.

Surgery fun

So I just erased this long ass post about my hospital stay, and impending surgery. But it was too personal even for this blog and I just decided to scrap it all. Anyway here's an abbreviated version/update. I just found out that I have 2 very large fibroids, 1 inside my uterus and another on top of my uterus that extends all the way to my liver. Needless to say it feels great.

This is why being uninsured sucks:
1. The clinics you can afford to go to suck. I was told that I had acid reflux.... yeah not so much. The doctor didn't even order an ultra sound which is how the found my fibroids.

2. Doctors aren't really a fan of people without insurance. I was told that my surgery that was supposedly semi urgent was going to be put on hold until I got insurance coverage.

So I have a lot more thoughts and feelings about everything I'm about to go through, but I can't really formulate them for myself, so I sure as hell can't put them on here. So Tuesday at 1pm I'll be undergoing abdominal myommectomy. Prayers and positive vibes appreciated.

Scars

I have a lot of scars all over my legs. They're not as bad as they used to be, but they're still there and still very present. See I'm allergic to bug bites and after they blister they leave nice scars on my legs. Which would be annoying but not that big of a deal for most people. However, as the dermatologist told me when I was younger I have slow healing skin apparently which means mine stick around for an extra long time. It really is wonderful :side eye: Anyway the point is that I have scars all over my legs and I've always been very aware of them because people don't like to let me forget them. I remember being younger and both children and adults would ask what happened to my legs (like that's ever an appropriate question), and for some reason I would always try to explain. It's really ridiculous when you think about why I should dignify these rude motherfuckers with an answer about my skin, just because they're nosey. Why should I allow them in to my private life and explain about my skin when they really could care less about me. But, I always answered always. I would explain they were just mosquito bites, and then I'd have to deal with their continued ignorant comments about damn how many mosquitoes bit you? See because bites that were years old looked the same as bites that were only a few months.

Eventually I began to wear pants all the time, which really dealt with the issue because people could no longer see my scars so I didn't have to deal with the questions. However, I was a lifeguard so whenever I went to work I'd have to deal with the questions again, but I'd always answer and deal with the humiliation again. Fortunately eventually they did begin to lighten and they are nowhere near as bad as they used to be. But they're still there, but I no longer cover them up. I no longer hide them because I don't want to be hot and uncomfortable when it's hot. However, I’m always aware of them.

Then this New years eve as I was trying to clean up my house and get the everything in order for the new year I cut my leg on my hamper and now I have a new scar, a nice long one on my calf. I was pissed when I got it, because I know it's going to stick around for a while. Every now and then when I'm lotioning up and I look at it I get pissed again, because there it is just staring at me, mocking me and my formerly improving legs. I stare at it and I resent it and all the other scars that didn't dare heal any faster, and I'm pissed that I was making so much progress but now this one fucking scar is going to stick around. But, it'll be ok I tell myself. It's just one scar of many and it won't stop you from living your life, but it's still another scar and I'll always remember it's there. It showed up when I was trying to get my life together and now I'm stuck with it.

I don't really know why I decided to share the story of my scars, but I guess I'm trying to move from being scarred to having scars.

Helloooooo 26

As I write this I'm 30 mins away from 26. I was looking over my old posts, to see my bday post from last year and I didn't even post. I was currently deep in a funk. Trying my hardest not to completely fall apart. Well here I am at 26 and things are getting better. I just got back from an amazing weekend with 2 of my favorite people in the world. I was able to be surrounded by truly genuine people who radiated positivity and I'm better for it. So this year, I'm determined to make changes. I'm really going to work on pulling myself out of this hole I've dug, I'm no longer just going to consider climbing out, I'm going to put in the work.

My birthday doesn't really feel special this year, it just seems like another day, nothing for me to be excited. I'm not gonna lie part of this is due to a wave of depression I'm currently fighting, but I'm trying to look beyond myself and my current situation. So I'm not 100% better, but I'm on the mend. I'm feeling better about my life and the decision I've made. I'm not where I want to be, and I'm not yet at the point to say that I'm happy that I am who I am here, but I've done what I have needed to in order to remain relatively sane. So this is how I'm entering 26, fighting off a wave of depression I feel creeping, but I'm still hopeful and positive about where I'm going to go from here. So welcome 26 I'm sure it's going to be a hell of a ride.

This path

So last night despite feeling great most of the day, I started to feel a little down, so I pulled out some books, I needed something to make me feel better, so I grabbed a couple of Audre Lorde books, but I was having a hard time concentrating. As I was scrambling to find something to hang on to, to make it through this dark spot. I started thinking that I needed healing words. I wrote it down in my journal. I wrote I need healing words, from strong women who have been through it all so I can know that I can make it. After writing I started to feel a little bit better, and then as I was skimming through the Audre's Cancer Journals and I come to this article that was written exactly 5 years before I was born. On March 30, 1979 she wrote about her mastectomy and her fear that she'd never regain the pleasure that she got from that right breast that was removed. She wrote :

"... That sense has completely passed away, as I have come to realize that that well of feeling was within me. I alone own my feelings. I can never lose that feeling because I own it, because it comes out of myself. I can attach it anywhere I want to, because my feelings are apart of me, my sorrow and my joy.
I would never have chosen this path, but I am very glad to be who I am, here."
~Audre Lorde

I love that whole passage but especially that last part where she says I would never have chosen this path, but I am very glad to be who I am, here. How amazingly strong and self assured. Even through a horrible trying time, she was able to see through it all and cling on to her own sense of self. Beneath all of her pain, there was a deep love and acceptance of herself and every aspect of her. That's amazing, I know it's something I don't have yet, but hopefully I will be there one day. I'm beginning to realize that there is no sense in bemoaning where I'm at in my life or the many paths my life has taken me down, because beneath it all. I've always been me, and I need to learn to connect to myself more and not be side tracked by everything else, even my own feelings because they don't control me, I control my feelings.

Sigh I just love her, and I'm grateful for the revelations that came to me last night, hopefully someone out there will be similarly blessed.

Even a little is still better

These past 2 years have been really really rough on me. I've been in one of the deepest depressions of my life, but thankfully I can say even though it's been rough, it hasn't been the worst. Anyway today I realized that I'm feel a little bit better. I'm not 100% yet, but I feel myself creeping out of my hole. I've noticed more bright days than dark so I'm feeling optimistic. Gnarls Barkley has a song that actually describes where I'm at perfectly.

My favorite line of the entire song is "even a little is still better". This song is just perfect right now. Enjoy and here are the rest of the lyrics

"A Little Better"

[Cee-Lo]
Now I can sing you the storyline
And if you like my story fine
But ain't none of the glory mine
See my life was a lonely one
And I was still momma's only son
With no idea what I'm gon' become
And I didn't have long to know
That you don't have to be grown to go
I could have died so long befo'
Then I finally saw the sign
And I made it on down the line
One step at a time

[Chorus]
I feel better!
I can smile at it now, I feel better
Ohhhh, better!
And even a little is still better
Oh, have mercy on me

[Cee-Lo]
Ohhh it's probably plain to see
That I got a whole lot of pain in me
And it will always remain in me
So cold, it's a cryin shame
Yet here I am, tryin again
Cause I refuse to die in vain
The circumstances put soul in me
And there ain't no holdin me
I've got a heart made of gold in me
Hah, can you believe this is where I've been?
And when adversity comes again
I'll deal with it then

[Chorus]
I feel better!
I can laugh at it now, I feel better, heh heh
Ohhhh, better!
And even a little is still better
Oh, have mercy on me-heeeeeeee

[Cee-Lo]
Ah-ahhh-hahhh-ah yeahhh
Mmmmmmmmmm, ohhhhhhh-oh-ohhhh!

I said everything's fine, you can take your time
What would be on your mind, if you knew you was dyin
I would wanna just feel this ah-one more time
I said everything's fine, take yo' time
What would be on your mind, if you knew you was dyin
I would wanna just feel this ah-one more time
I wanna thank you morning sun
I wanna thank you lowly dirt
Now I know I'm not the only one
I, I wanna thank you friendly ghost
When all the calls were close
It seems like you cared the most
I, I wanna thank you Mom and Dad
For hurtin me so bad
But you're the best I ever had
I, I wanna thank you... [fades]

Questions on my mind

Random late night questions:
It's damn near 1:30am and these are some of the questions keeping me up right now. I just figured if I got them out of my system maybe the answers would become clear.

• How do you feel safe doing everyday average things, when that safety has been violated?
• Do you ever feel safe letting someone you care about out of your sight after they've been hurt?
  
• When you feel pain so deeply because of someone else's trauma how do you keep it inside so you don't pull them back down with you?
• Is it ever going to be safe to be a woman in this world?

Back to church?

I've been thinking a lot about the path I've taken in my life. Specifically the people that I have cut out of my life. I tend to do that, a lot. But, recently I've been thinking about the people who were connected to my more conservative evangelical days. After coming out, I cut myself off from that part of my life and most everyone who was a part of it. I needed to be far away from the old me, the me who felt caged in a life that was a times fulfilling, but ultimately left me wanting. So I not only left the church, but I also left a lot of the people associated with it. Now I'm not going to lie, some of those people I needed to let go. They were no good for me on any level and I tolerated a lot of their behavior because it was the "Christian" thing to do, but in the past couple of weeks I've been dreaming about them, and I've also had the urge to go back to Church. But, I can never go back to the kind of church that I went to before, because I'm 100% sure that I will not be accepted. So in order to go back I have to find a new church a completely different type of church. However, that's not what I really want. I want to be able to fully integrate the old and new me, but two things that are diametrically opposed can't live in harmony... Can they?

How do you go on when you've turned your back on everything you were taught to believe? The more I think about it, it's not so much the people I miss even though my heart aches for some of them. But, it's more about the feeling I had in church and I don't think I can get that back. Because despite what I've been told since from people I respect. Everything I was taught tells me that I can't go back without changing parts of me that just can't change.

Haiti my forgotten homeland

My heart has been breaking as I read more and more of the news coming out of Haiti. I am half Haitian. My father and all of my aunts except one were born in Haiti. Now my father is a sporadic visitor in my life. So I don't know very much about that side of me. But, I do know that my grandmother who I am in contact with still calls and sends money and supplies to our relatives there. Today a 7.0 magnitude earthquake hit 10 miles from Port-Au-Prince where my family lives. I'm sitting here wondering if the little girl whose picture I saw at my grandmother's house is still alive, and I'm even more sick that I don't even remember her name. But, I always said someday I'm going to go there and meet them, I'm going to contact them, one day, one day one day. And now I'm not sure if that day will come. I'm just praying for my relatives that I barely know and hoping that I will get that chance to have that meeting.

Please text YELE to 501501 to donate $5 to the relief efforts in Haiti and keep all the people of Haiti in your thoughts and prayers.

New Year

When I was younger, I was frequently told that I talked too much and I've always spoken too fast. So in general I've never been at a loss for words, but recently I have no idea what I want to say. Have you ever found yourself in the position where there are no words that can accurately describe the way you feel? I've been trying to think about a nice end of the year post, but this year has been such a blur. I have no idea how to describe it, I've been so introspective this past year. This year has really been about me. I've found myself in a position that I've never been in before and I have been reexamining pretty much every aspect of my life. But, oddly enough all of this time I've spent thinking about where I am and where I want to go, I find myself unable to clearly say what I want to say. I know that there are words out there that fit my situation, but I'm at a loss. So for this new year I pray for a new me and new opportunities.

Happy New Year All!!

If my life were a paranormal romance novel

If my life were a paranormal romance novel, instead of having these super strong defenses that keep most people at arms length; I would have mental shields that protect me from having my mind controlled. I’d be this super strong kick ass woman who protects those she loves and is actually successful at it. When someone I care for is hurt I’d be able to use my super powers and get vengeance, and everyone would know not to mess with the people I care for. If my life was a paranormal romance novel, at the end of the book. I’d get the girl and the bad guys would lose. But, my life isn’t a paranormal romance novel and sometimes, more often than not, the bad guys win and I can’t protect those I love.

Pain

So I've been thinking a lot about pain. Pain is supposed to be a warning sign. Generally if you're experiencing some sort of pain, something is wrong. However, I find that a lot of us have been conditioned to ignore these warning signs and ignore pain. But, what are the other ways that pain functions in our lives and do we all feel the same way about it. I know particularly people involved in bdsm have a different relationship with pain. So I'm opening up this to you all. How do you handle pain? What is your relationship with it. Personally I tend to fall into the category of ignoring my pain. When I'm intense emotional pain I tend to withdraw completely and when I'm in physical pain depending on the level I may snap at others but eventually the result is the same. I might tell someone when I'm in physical pain, I tend to deal with that better than emotional pain. I almost never tell anyone when I'm in emotional pain. I lock it up and then deal with it in little bits and pieces. So what about you?

Stay tuned

I have a lot I want to say, and post here. But despite how semi anonymous this space is. It still requires a level of vulnerability. I'm not ready for,but this need to share some of my writing is very strong. So don't think that I've abandoned this blog, I'm just still trying to find that balance. So stay tuned...

Freaks and masks

So while I was writing a post about the march and my first day in DC I get a call from my friend from high school calls me, and we agree to meet up at a local bar and catch up. I haven't seen her in a good 6 years. Realizing that we're about to meet up, I realize shit I'm going to have to come out to her. I haven't had to come out to anyone in a while, and I still get nervous. So it was nice, I rambled and we reminisced and talked about where we are now. Afterward it got me thinking, because I put up my mask, I talked about my life as if I was completely comfortable and secure about everything, but clearly I'm not. So I talked, I listened, we hugged and made plans to get together during thanksgiving.

But, later when I was walking back to my hotel, all of these thoughts came to my mind, about where I'm at in my life. Where I wanna be, how I'm sick of being single, sick of being a virgin. I was thinking about how much I've changed since High School, and I still feel insecure about it all. I still feel like a freak 90% of the time. So I get back to my hotel and I start to look at my books that I bought, and I stopped at Lambda Rising and bought the 2nd edition of Does Your Mama Know? Which when I was first coming out was my life saver. I clung to it like it was the last bit of air on earth. So I was looking at some of the new stories and I stopped at Olive Demetrius', and you all know I love me some UPeople lol. And I identified so much with her story I felt so much better, instantly. It was the same feeling that I got when I was in KY watching UPeople, or reading the first edition of the book. Even though I've come a long way, there are still times where I fear that my world is going to come crashing down, because I'm gay, where I fear for everythiing and I think that I'm truly a freak because, no one else seems to have the same issues that I'm having. That's why these stories are so important because even though you can be surrounded by a million people you can still be lonely, and these stories help me feel a little less lonely.

We Wear the Mask

WE wear the mask that grins and lies,
It hides our cheeks and shades our eyes,—
This debt we pay to human guile;
With torn and bleeding hearts we smile,
And mouth with myriad subtleties.

Why should the world be over-wise,
In counting all our tears and sighs?
Nay, let them only see us, while
We wear the mask.

We smile, but, O great Christ, our cries
To thee from tortured souls arise.
We sing, but oh the clay is vile
Beneath our feet, and long the mile;
But let the world dream otherwise,
We wear the mask!

Let's connect!

I've been thinking a lot lately about meeting one on one and having physical interaction with each other. It's so easy not to do this day and age, because we have so many other mediums of communicating. Hell, we text more than we talk now a days. So this really came up last weekend when I was talking with a friend about the importance of marching and why I'm marching in this national equality march. I was thinking that it's important to be known as more than a signiture or an ip address or a screen name.

Our lives and experiences are real and important and making connections with one another in real life can't compare to the best of online conversations. Oddly enough Bruce Willis' new movie surrogates reminded me of that. It got me thinking would I want some robot out there living my life for me? The answer is a clear no there is just something about being out there and living life for real that can't be beat. Especially when it comes to activism its important for us to have an online pressence as well as a physical one. So this weekend I'll be in DC marching for equality, cold and all. So if you're gonna be there too and want to meet up let me know, because I'm heading down there by myself. I'll see you there.

Pursuing my dreams

So its very hard to have a dream and actually confess it out loud, because once you give voice to your dream I believe the Universe sits and waits to see what you'll do with it. And this, is where I am now. I have confessed to my two closest friends my revelation of what I ultimately want to do with my life, and now I bring it here. I find I need to say it a few times for it really to sink in. I started off saying in my head. If I could do anything in the world, I would be a writer. Then to my friends I said "I want to be a professional writer". And, now I'm saying I am going to be a writer. That last time was hard, because its true I've moved from the wishing and hoping stage to the open declaration stage and its FUCKING scary. Because the truth of the matter is that I am terrified that I am going to fail, that I'm not good enough. My main concern is my grammar which sucks, as you can tell her. Even though I make no effort to be grammatically correct here. When I start writing something for this blog, I just let my fingers flow over the keyboard and whatever comes out, comes out. I do not proofread because ultimately I probably wouldn't publish anything I write. Anyway back to what I was saying I am going to be a writer. I'm speaking it into being and actually taking steps towards my goal. I'm currently working on several things, that up until now I have been afraid to do. I'm currently working on a novel and a short story. These are some ideas that I have had for a long time, and now I'm ready to commit to them, commit to myself and commit to working to make sure that I'm happy.

I'm nervous for several reasons, the main one is that I've never had any type of training, I've never even taken a creative writing class. I feel almost like a fraud an imposter trying to enter into a circle where people have worked long and hard for years and hear I am saying yes I want to be one of you. But, I realized that I feel better when I write. Even now this free flow of ideas and thoughts feels good, it releases some of the pressure from all the other bull shit I have deal with every day. Tonight I've been feeling very creative and in the zone. I got 3 pages out on my novel and more that were just random notes. So hear goes nothing I'm throwing my hat into the ring let's see how this all turns out.

silent

When I first saw her face I was silent, I said nothing, didn’t acknowledge it or the pain that was growing in my chest every second I saw that ugly bruise on her face. I didn’t say anything because I wanted to save her from having to come up with another lie or excuse, because we all know what happened. So what would the purpose be of making her lie about something we all know the truth about. I said nothing, because there is nothing left to be said that hasn’t already been said. We’ve said it, all of us. We’ve told her she doesn’t deserve to be beaten like this. We’ve told her how wonderful and beautiful she is, but it doesn’t matter to her because every man in her life has hit her and abused her.

So I said nothing, swallowed the bile that was rising smiled, called her by he nickname and watched her walk out the door back to him. I watch her sit proudly next to him as if half of her beautiful face wasn’t marred with bruises. As if she wasn’t hiding two knife cuts underneath her clothes. She told her daughter she fought for the first 2 rounds but not the last one, because she took a hard hit. As I hear her daughter re tell this story I can’t help but wonder if she’ll leave him before that final too hard hit comes. But, I’m silent, because I’m helpless in this situation. I can’t make her see the beauty we all see, I can’t make her realize he’s scum and isn’t worthy of him. I can’t’ make her tell the truth to the police instead of lie to cover up for him. I can't make her see that if she doesn't leave him he'll kill her before AIDS will. So I’m silent and its killing me, watching him slowly kill her.

Internet intimacy

In this technological age, we definitely have disconnected from more one on one contact. I’ve found such a great amazing community both in person and online, even though I would have to say my online community is larger than my in person one. None the less there are people I can go to and who I have many things in common with. However, I often find myself obsessively checking, my email, facebook and twitter just praying, wishing, hoping that someone anyone would reach out and try to connect with me. Talk with me show me some type of love, because that’s what we’re all seeking in relationships right? So instead of walking up to someone and putting your arms around them and saying I really just need a hug and need to feel connected to someone. Some of us update our statuses praying that someone comments, take quizzes, post notes, update our blogs, because hey real up close and personal intimacy is hard but putting up an Audre Lorde quote on facebook is easy.