Diet Woes

Okay so now a real post, besides just random pictures of my facebook avatar, because damn that was kinda pathetic.

Well I'm on a diet, and I fucking hate it!! I hate having to say no to food that I really really want. I'm currently over 200 lbs, but I carry it well if I do say so myself, but not well enough for me to stop hating my body. I'm just tired of being a big girl, I'm tired of being "thick" I'm tired of not feeling sexy. I just want to be thin, but I know I'll never be thin my body just wasn't built to be thin. But I can be thinner than I am right now. So finally getting tired of being fat I decided to change my eating habits. I'm taking baby steps towards my goal. I already walk 2 miles three times a week to my job, so I figure combine that with better eating habits and eventually some motivation and I will lose weight. I've tried to set up exercise schedules for myself but it doesn't work because I'm not that motivated. Eventually I will exercise in my house, but I hate gyms and am against anyone seeing me in work out clothes. People who don't have serious weight problems don't know what its like to be a big person and go to the gym. I always feel like people are watching me, and judging me. Its intimidating to go into the gym where these skinny minis are jogging on the treadmills and I'm in pain after a short time. I've tried going to the gym when I was in undergrad with my friends, who with the exception of one are a lot thinner than I am and I felt embarrassed. So now I don't do gyms, maybe when I lose some weight and am feeling more comfortable I will but for now its not gonna happen. I'm dieting because I hate being the fat girl, I hate that I hate my body.


Dieting is hard, right now all I want is a cupcake or a cupcake like food. I get these weird cravings for sweet and starchy foods, and nothing really satisfies me but something like that, but part of my diet is seriously cutting back on the sweets. I just ate the last sweet thing in my apt, which was a toaster's strudel pastry. Now my house is sweet free. I bought sugar free Jello for when I want something sweet, and I have only wheat bread products in my house. Wheat English muffins, breads and pastas. I don't have any juice or soda only 5 calorie Crystal light, and water. I'm also drinking water now which my friends know is a big deal. I eat lots of veggies and have cut down on my beef and given up on pork entirely. I'm really trying to make a change, but times like now make that really really hard. So hopefully by the fall I'll be about 50 pounds lighter and a lot happier.