Thesis ahh

Sorry for the delay in posting but thesis has taken over my life.

This picture is so true!

Attraction

So I've been thinking a lot about attraction lately. I used to be really into trying to figgure out my type, and I realized that I don't really have one, but I have started to notice some trends and some oddities. I think I like older women, and I do tend to go for more butch women, but I tend to not like too masculine. There needs to be a nice balance. But lately I've become more aware of what type of person I'm attracted to, and the nature of attraction in general.
A couple of situations have led me to understand my attraction more clearly. A couple of weeks ago I was at a mini conference and there was this woman who I was really attracted to. There was just something about her that I was drawn to and I have no idea what it was. It definitely wasn't her physical appearance, she was the epitome of not my type, whatever it is. But, there was something very appealing about her. There was something about her spirit that really drew me to her. It was definitely internal. I'm also working on my thesis and I'm focusing on Black Butch Lesbians and in order to gain data I've been using a lot of documentaries to bring in experience. So I watched Venus Boyz which wasn't really helpful as a whole except for two women, Dred and Storme Webber, and Storme more so than Dred because she always presents masculine. Anyways Storme again had that something about her, like I said before I tend to not like too masculine, but she was just so appealing. Both of the women that I spoke about before are considerably older than me. I just turned 24 and both of these women are well into their 40's. The woman I met at the conference I would never really try and talk to, but she was still attractive. Now Storme I'd holla with the quickness. She has such a quiet spirit about her, I'm surrounded by so many fake people and she seemed very real and grounded and to have a deeper understanding of everything. Maybe that's what I'm attracted to in older women, that they seem like they just get it.
This brings me to my latest little crush, Dr. G Love. I first saw Dr. G Love on the U People Vlog on After Ellen where they announced that she was going to have her own advice vlog. Last night they posted the first one, but its actually been taken down for some reason. Now Dr. G Love I do find attractive and she also has that grounded personality that I find so appealing. I don't know how much older than me she is, but damn! I was so impressed that I actually had a quite lovely dream about her that I shall be keeping to myself.

So when it comes to my type I'm still not sure what it exactly is, but the woman needs to be down to earth. She can't be to into her appearance, I'm not saying she needs to look like a bum, but not flashy not a lot going on. She just needs to be able to rock her natural beauty. NO HAIR WEAVES!! That is a deal breaker for me, I can deal with a perm, but if you've got a weave you've gone too far. I like natural women, she needs to care about the environment and the world in general. She needs to be culturally aware. There are a lot more characteristics that I can add, but I'm just going to stop here.

So what are you attracted to? Do you have a type? What is it?

shout out to Evolving for a good post on attraction that reminded me I needed to finish this one.

edit: they put the Dr. G Love video back up. Go check it out

Newsflash to Nextel

Newsflash to Nextel!!
there are Female Firefighters, there's a reson why we say firefighters and not firemen. Thanks!

Isn't she lovely!

Look at my baby on the cover of Curve this month! I feel like a teenybopper I want to cut out the pictures and paste them on the wall. She's so beautiful!! You're all invited to our wedding in South Africa!

The Burden of Neat hair

August 30th will mark 6 years of having my locs. I absolutely love my locs currently they are the only thing about my body that I really love. When I first loc'd my hair they were very thick, but I've noticed that they're getting thinner and thinner. For the most part its not a problem because they're still fairly thick. But, the reason why they're getting thinner is because about every two weeks I retwist my hair. I follow this schedule for several reasons, the first being that 2 weeks is the normal hair washing schedule and once I wash them they are in desperate need of re twisting. Sometimes I get lazy and the push that I need to re twist usually comes from me having to wear a scarf for a while because me hair doesn't look neat. I've been complimented many times on my locs and its always in reference to how long and neat they are, basically this is the only "acceptable" way to have locs. Everyone wants to emphasize how mine look so much better than those other people's whose locs are so messy and thick.
When I originally loc'd my hair it was out of desire to have a more permanant natural hair style. After years of breaking off my hair than regrowing it I decided to stop perming my hair. I wanted to keep my hair natural but had no idea how that would be accomplished. So following in the footsteps of my 2 older siblings I loc'd my hair, the same person who started their's also started mine , my sister in law. As time has gone by I have begun to cherish the way that they have come out and I love how they show how beautiful natural hair is. I've had to twist a few locs together because they were getting thin, and I know that the answer is to not re twist so often. But, as much as I want to tell all those people who talk about "neat" locs to go fuck themselves, I still feel compelled to fall in line with the neat locs society. I don't know wish me luck in not twisting my hair for at least a month, and hopefully I can begin to reverse the affects of this brainwashing.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!

Today's my birthday!!

I'm officially in my mid 20's as my friend says. I'm 24 years old and I will be celebrating by watching movies and cooking myself a nice meal. Yeah I'll be alone, but I guess its time I get used to not having a big birthday bash. Anyways HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!
A beautiful Cake that I would love to have from Charm City Cakes

How I'm feeling

First I want to say thanks to all those who have sent their support it really means a lot. I really do love this online community, its definitely been a life line when I've felt completely isolated. I just got back from a department gathering and I feel like crying, but for several different reasons. When I was at the party I got to talk to one of my sheroes who researches the same area as me and is 28 with a PhD and I just stand in awe of her. She's amazing! She really encouraged me and is such a cool drink of water. Its so important to have community and to have someone to bounce ideas off of and affirm my experiences. As you all can tell my grammar is not the best, but on this blog I don't really care because if it bothers someone too bad they can stop reading. But, to hear that someone else struggles like me and it felt good. So I'm so happy that I feel like crying.

I also feel like crying because I can't believe that I'm really never going to see my step brother again. Its hard for me to fully grasp, I just think about all the times that we hung out and how sweet he was, and I'm so mad that he's gone. I'm also mad that it seems like the language isn't there to properly describe his death. He was shot down in his house, someone called him down to the front door and when he came they just shot him. Now that is murder and the law recognizes it as such, but I feel like that definition isn't adequately applied to his death. In the news and by others its said that he was shot, but because he's young, Black and urban there's an implication that he was somewhat complicit in his own murder. He doesn't receive the same sympathy as other murder victims because he's young, black and urban so that happens all the time. This troubles me deeply, but besides that I'm still just stuck on the fact that I'll never see him again. We can't meet up in a little bit and catch up like no time has passed. He can't introduce me to his daughter who I know he loved so much. We can't share in each other's lives , its over. He's gone and I'm still having a hard time understanding that. I can't believe that someone really took his life. It just doesn't make sense , he was such a sweet heart. I always wanted a brother who was closer in age and could be my daily protection and he was that. He had my back he was always there for me when I needed him. At a time when I didn't really fit in with my peers he never made me feel bad about who I was. I'll always love him for that. These are the things I'll think about and then the fact that he's gone will hit me like a ton of bricks. I never thought that I wouldn't have the chance to see him again, this wasn't supposed to happen. He wasn't supposed to die at 26. This world just doesn't make sense.

a note on grief

On thursday while I was at the conference my mother calls me to tell me that my step brother was shot and killed. I didn't cry or scream when I found out I was stunned in disbelief. I haven't seen him in years, but he had added me on myspace. When I found out I began to wonder why I hadn't written him a message saying hi, how are you doing. Why didn't I try and meet up when I was home? These are all questions that are plaguing me. I want to go to the funeral and say goodbye. But, its weird in some ways I feel like I don't have a right to be sad, we haven't spoken in years.

I'm currently just feeling a whole lot of things right now. I haven't told a lot of people. I was trying to put it out of my mind, but now I'm home and my mind is wandering and all of these questions are just messing with me. I've only had one other person close to me die. I don't really know what to do. I'm also a little hesitant to go because my step father may be there and my step brother's funeral isn't the place for a confrontation, but I just couldn't allow him to come near me without spazzing out. I don't know there's just a lot going on.

What a weekend

I so much to blog about, I just came back from a conference where I met the love of my life (jk, just a really cool girl) but, I didn't get her number. It was really great, but I'm too tired to really get in to it so here are some beautiful pictures of Rose Rollins, that I got from AfterEllen.
p.s. I also saw a Tasha look alike!!

procrastiboredom

I recently bought a camera and the next day I lost it somehow, and I have no idea how. So I finally bought a new camera and since I'm procrastinating so bad right now I decided to take some pictures and share them with you all.Clearly I'm just entirely too gay lol

My spring break summed up in a picture, Lotion - get your minds out of the gutter, my skin is acting up so I'm taking care of it. The book which I should be reading for my thesis and pledge cleaner, because I've seriously cleaned my apartment numerous times. Oh, and water because I've been guzzling it like its going out of style.

So this is what I look like sleeping!
The view from inside my locs, my sanctuary.
My weekend attire
getting creative with the camera effects. The untweezed, unwaxed, unthreded eyebrows in solidarity with BFP

Procrastination quizzes

40%

Given that I have a 40% chance of surviving, I'm gonna go with my friend's plan in the event of a zombie attack you'll find me with a bottle pills, a bottle of alcohol and some music. I'm going out like a rock star!

17

The funniest part about this quiz is that I have a friend who was actually jumped by a bunch of 5 year olds. I'm glad I could take 17 of them out lol

Spring Break Randomness

Some random thoughts from my sucky spring break

1. I don't know what the hell to do with my hair! My locs have hit a growth spurt, after 5 years I've realized that there come times where I really notice my locs and its always when they reach a length milestone. For example when they finally hit my neck, I smacked myself for a good month before I got used to them. This past summer they hit the middle of my back, and now they're just long and I have no idea what to do.
2. Being rejected by all the schools you applied to really SUCKS!!
   
3. White people are really nice to you when they know that you're going to spend a lot of money in their store.
   
4. I had a dream that me and Tasha from the L word were a couple and Alice was jealous. Yes it was Tasha and Alice not Rose Rollins and Leisha Hailey. That dream was so nice I've been using it to bring my happiness in the midst of this sucky sucky spring break.
   
5. Oh SHIT!! I'm gonna be 24 at the end of the month.
6. Marvita is the reason I continue to watch top model this season.
   
7. Dani Campbell being on the cover of curve made me feel like I was 13 and it was the new issue of Word Up!
   

I'm a dork and I'm okay with that

Excuse me while I whip out my dork hat..... But, I am a HUUUGE Sailor Moon fan!!

Seriously I loved Sailor Moon when I was younger, and then I found out that the whole entire series can be seen online at youtube and veoh. It took me a while but I finally got through the first season and then I made it through the second, skipping through a few episodes. But, I haven't enjoyed any season like the third! First we have the introduction of Sailor Neptune and Sailor Uranus who are .... LESBIANS!!! Wooo Hooo !! Here are some pics of them

how butch is Uranus!
But, despite her Butch exterior she has a little femme in her too!










And she's got all the girls swooning, even Sailor Jupiter developed a little crush (who I called as being gay from the beginning!)





Check out her high femme girlfriend Sailor Neptune



Besides the mere presence of Lesbian characters, I really like how they've been treated. Its just sort of no big deal. At first all the other Sailor scouts thought Uranus was a guy. But, they haven't shunned them at all. They actually want to be like them and so far Jupiter and Sailor Moon have found comfort in Sailor Uranus' arms. I also love that in one episode Sailor Jupiter talked about how hard she tries to conform to gender norms.

Unfortunately, most of this has been cut out of the English dubbed version, so you have to watch it in Japanese with subtitles. Which, isn't bad because they got a new voice actress for Sailor moon and her voice is like finger nails on a chalk board.

But despite my love for Sailor Moon I will never go this far!










So thank you for indulging my Sailor Moon obsession, and go watch all of the episodes now!!

Beauty in an Ugly world

I just realized that it's been a while since I've posted pictures of beautiful women, and with such an ugly world we need some beauty.

Now I'm not really all into Angelina Jolie, but I loove tattoos and this picture below is too HOT!
As some of you may know America's next top model is back! They've also corrected a mistake they made last year in getting rid of Marvita. She is beautiful and a little butch, she also sets off my limited gaydar any way here's her picture from last week. She walked out and my mouth dropped, she's so beautiful. Marvita call me!!

I was trying to find a picture of Lucia Rijker that's in the new Curve, because OH MY GOD! Does she look fine, but since I can't find that one I'm gonna post an old one.


and of course I can't forget my wife, in this beautiful pic from Vibe that I stole from greyday because she gets all the hookups

Words for gentrification

I am an HGTV nut! I love HGTV, all the property shows like National Open house, House Hunters all of them. But, what I've noticed is all the different ways that they've tried to cover up gentrification. My top three are:

1. Pioneering neighborhood
2. Up in coming
3. Neighborhood in transition

I love how they come up with new words to hide their removal of poor mainly Brown people from these neighborhoods. Since we're coming up with new words how about "forceful encouragement of heterosexuality" for homophobia.

thoughts in theory class

I'm currently in my feminist theory class, and we're talking about Judith Butler. We're talking about the assumptions and generalizations in feminist discourse. We talked about the assumptions in the works of hooks and Riche, and it got me wondering, how can you write without marginalizing and othering some group?

As someone who wants to research and produce works about Women of color. How do I not do what I criticize other people for doing? are generalizations inevitable?

Marginalize This!!

I am so fucking tired of this election season!!
I just watched the Gay Agenda vlog over on After Ellen but its also up at the visible vote and After Elton. In it they asked the insightful comment of whether it was more radical to have a woman president or an African American man. Yes, they didn't qualify woman with white, because white is THE race and doesn't need to be qualified. I'm so tired of this thinking I'm posting below part of my comment that I left up there.

Let me start off by saying no I don't think that Clinton should withdraw, I really don't think the race has reached that point yet. But what really bothers me is the way that so many people especially Clinton supporters act as if Race is not an issue anymore in this country and this race. Well it is an issue when they want to claim some mystical Black card that the Clintons supposedly got so many years ago.

Is it more radical to have a woman than an African American man? was the question you asked, well tell me this does Clinton have no race? Why does Barack get a racial qualifier and Clinton doesn't? Is her womanhood raceless? Does she have no racial privilege? Oh I'm sorry apparently white privilege doesn't exist anymore, only male privilege.

I don't really care about you being objective or not, but just as you accuse of the media of having a bias towards Obama and ignoring the sexism directed towards Clinton. You two are completely ignoring any racial implications involved in this race. Simply posing the question of is it more radical to have a woman or an African American male. Is building on the assumption that sex oppression is somehow worst than race based oppression. This thinking is what has led to the continued marginalization of Women of color.

I wish that they were the only ones who were doing this, but no Christine Craft manages to be even more offensive in an article for SF Gate. Some of my favorite parts are

While sexism hasn't had the same hideous history of lynchings as its companion "ism," the case can be made that gender bias is even more prevalent, more accepted, more insidious and more likely to die a drawn-out death. The presidential campaign of Hillary Rodham Clinton is this thesis writ large.

and

I was taken aback years ago when I had a conversation with Anita Hill. She told me the most disheartening turn of her righteous objection to the coronation of Clarence Thomas had been the attacks she bore from women. She saw all too clearly then that women were the last n-words, conditioned to denigrate their own kind.

that last one reminded me of an essay that I read in Pearl Cleage's book Deals with The Devil. Where she quotes Yoko Ono saying that Women are the niggers of the world. Pearl brilliantly asked after then what are Black women? I'm so sick and tired of the way this election is shaping discourse!

Then we have Tina Fey saying "Bitch is the new Black!" Please someone tell me what the FUCK that is supposed to mean?

This should be an amazing and exciting time for the first time ever we have a White woman and a Black man who could actually gain the democratic nomination and even win! But, instead of being excited and motivated I'm reminded that as a woman of color I'm invisible. And my identity as a Queer woman of color is inconceivable but so many people, because everyone knows that all the women are white, all the men are Black and all the Queers are white men. But, some of us are more than brave!

The only thing that makes me feel better is that I know that there are other women of color out there of varying sexualities that are fighting to be heard, and won't have our voices marginalized. So here's to them, all the wonderful women that make fighting worth it!

Here's a wonderful quote from the amazing brownfemipower, it was from a post she had up about the Duke case. I love it so much that I frequently use it as an away message

"...I will stand beside any and all violated women of color, unquestioning and without apology, because I, too, am the lying stripper, the useless whore, the backstabbing "sister", the nasty 'ho, the unintelligent blogger, the uppity nigger, the DNA dripping slut.

We'll never shut up, and we'll never go away.

We've sung songs you'll never hear, we've created colors you've never dreamt of, and we know a love that you've killed for but you'll never own."

Oh Sara Ramirez!!

She's Hot, Gay friendly and speaks Spanish.... What more can you ask for. Excuse me Laura for lusting all over you wife, but damn!

A Message from Grey's Anatomy's Sara Ramirez

Obama around the world

Now I'm a reluctant Obama supporter, I am going to vote for him in the primary even though I'm still strongly considering writing in Kucinnich, but if it's Obama or Clinton I'm going Obama. What I love is all the diverse Obama support videos here's a little snippet.
(h/t vivir latino)

Okay what is with all the drama! So remember the married girl who was trying to talk to me, and through the wise advice of you wonderful readers as well as others I realized that its just a bad idea to get involved. Well she just sent me a message asking why I was avoiding her and if she got her signals crossed. Okay so its true I have been avoiding her but not really, I've responded to all of her text messages, but not her facebook wall comment and her call which she sent right before the text. I'm just a little taken a back that we have to have this relationship type talk when we're not even in a relationship. We haven't even kissed or anything some drunken hand holding and a leg rub really doesn't constitute a situation where a talk needs to occur. Sure we tentatively set up a date but it wasn't an official date and there was no date set up! What the hell is going on!! Now I have to have this stupid conversation about how I'm not going to get involved with her because she's married.

I guess I didn't expect it to go there because nothing really happened warranting a conversation. There's only one girl that I could really see having legitimate reason for us to talk and ask why I'm sending mixed signals because I have. This married girl not so much. Its not really drama just annoying, I really wanted to respond to the text saying its not that serious!! Because it's really not!