Journey to enlightenment

Stay tuned?

2011-07-15T00:35:00.003-04:00

I miss this blog, but I don't know how to come back and blog again. I don't even know if anyone out here still peaks in, if you do I'm still here. I read all your comments.

When I first started this blog I was in such a different place. I was happy, that slowly ended. I've been through so many different spaces since then. The problem is that I've always blogged about how I was feeling and what was going on in my world, but unfortunately for the last few years I've haven't been able to see the positive things in my life. They are there, but they're just hard to see through all the shittiness that I feel. So that's where I'm at, I still wanna blog, I miss the community, and eventually I will come back to it. This may even be the first step, we'll see... stay tuned.

Choices and Waiting

2010-10-16T23:23:00.003-04:00

In May I had to have surgery to remove the fibroids that had taken over my uterus and were fucking up my body in general. It was traumatic for many, many reasons but, I thought hey it's over. So post surgery I found out that the fibroids had made the prospect of me getting pregnant a lil more complicated then it would already have been (you know needing to get inseminated and all). I also was more likely to need a c-section having already had my uterus cut up. This all led me to the decision that I would most likely not get pregnant, I've always wanted to adopt anyway and my partner could always carry if we were so inclined. I was fairly settled on this decision but not 100%, but I'm young I have time to figure it all out, once I was a little further away from the trauma of my surgery.

When I went to my 4 week check up my doctor said that my fibroids were a typical but not cancerous so in 4 months he wanted me to have another ultra sound and see him again. I was semi worried but not too bad. Now, here it is 4 months later and I find out that I have more fibroids, they told me they removed all of my previous fibroids so it's safe to assume these are new. Now I'm in full panic mode, what does this mean? Will I have to get a hysterectomy? What's wrong with my body? So now I'm waiting again, on monday I talk with the doctor who did my surgery and I find out what all of this means. So now I'm sitting here waiting and going over all of the possibilities in my head, and I've come to the conclusion while I may not have to have a hysterectomy any time soon I see it in my near future, and what's most striking to me is that I'll no longer even have the option of carrying a child. Like I said before I was pretty settled on not carrying a child but I wasn't 100%. But now I'm facing losing that prospect completely, and that more than anything is what's scary for me. Not having a uterus really isn't going to mess with my idea of what it means to be a woman because have an uterus doesn't make me a woman. However, the idea that I'll lose the complete prospect of creating and carrying life in my body is distressing. To top this all off, there is the very real prospect that I'm going to lose my insurance so now I may have some medical condition and no insurance... what the hell am I supposed to do with that.

So I'm sitting here waiting, contemplating choices that I may never have and trying not to let my anxiety over it all touch me too close.

Aunt Elaine

2010-08-25T09:07:00.002-04:00

I lost my aunt Sunday, and I'm really just searching for the meaning in all of this. I have a lot more I can say but I just can't right now. I just wanted to write this down somewhere that my aunt one of the most amazing, wonderful and caring women ever to walk this earth is gone. I think everyone should know, because she was just that amazing. So here's to you Aunt Elaine, the world will be less bright now that you're gone.

So simple

2010-08-21T01:29:00.004-04:00

So I've been thinking that I want to blog more constructively about my depression. More than just depressed type posts like the last one (which I honestly didn't realize how depressed I sounded til later). I've been talking to a few people about depression this week and in particular the one and only miss Laura Luna and it felt good to get it out and talk about it. She also sent me a link to Kate Bornstein's twitter page where she was live tweeting from a femme conference workshop on dealing with mental illness, and she was preaching let me tell you. I posted this one quote on my tumblr and I feel like I need to read it everyday. She said "If you've got a mental illness and you're still alive, you're doing well." So simple yet so profound.

So I'm going to try and blog more regularly and constructively about my depression and anxiety, and not just wade in it. So something I've been dealing with today is trying to figure out what I'm going to wear tomorrow to go to this free concert in central park. I'm going with my BFF/wife and her new boo, and I think her friend from her hometown. So basically I don't need to impress any of them lol. However, where my depression has taken me in these past 2 years is to a place where getting up and getting dressed requires a lot of energy, dedication to fight all the negative thoughts I throw at myself. When I can't make myself feel good enough to get out or just push through it , I stay home in my comfort zone.

I'm getting better about not hiding away in my room, but I still do that a lot. It's where I feel most comfortable most days. However, this is not good for me. The more I sit in one room and don't leave, the more crazy I feel. It's hard to distinguish between my normal melancholy sometimes and feeling down right crazy. The isolation really lends itself increasing my feelings of self doubt and loathing. So now I force myself to get up and get out. I'm not doing great all the time. I'm about 50/50 at this point, but it's better than only leaving the house to go to therapy. This week I went to the grocery store, the book store and a restaurant. I've got to start my walking again, which was getting me out daily. But, the point is I'm doing better. I'm getting up and doing things with people who I care about and care about me. That is healthy and positive, so when I feel more inclined to go back in my room and hide instead of getting out. I have to remind myself about how great it feels to do it. I remind myself about the other weekend and how refreshed I felt.

Dealing with depression is both simple and very complicated. The things that hold me captive aren't really complex when you get down to examining them. They're very simple, but there are many of them and they affect every area of my life, so that's what makes them complicated. So in order to fight this depression, I have to do simple things like getting out of the house and physically seeing people. So simple but it makes a big difference. So now I'm going to bed and I'm looking forward to a good day around people.

Hope for the future

2010-08-16T23:13:00.002-04:00

One day I will be able to have better control over my emotions.
One day I will be able to express myself clearly and with eloquence.
One day a bad cake and missing container won't send me over the edge.
One day I'll be able to use my emotions to create rather than destroy myself.
One day I'll be really and truly happy.

I decided to fight

2010-08-10T01:31:00.004-04:00

So I've been in therapy for a while now. I've been trying to get a handle on my life and more importantly this depression that has been damn near crippling me for 2 years. Last thursday night I was having a really bad night. I was filled with tons of self doubt and anxiety. Oddly enough I've also had a therapy assignment to list 7 positive things about myself. One for each day in between therapy sessions, realizing how hard it was for me sort of sent me in to a tail spin of shame and anxiety.

The next day (friday ) I was supposed to go see Bassey Ikpi perform in NYC and then I was going to stay with my BFF/Wife and then go to this play. Nice full weekend, but I felt like doing none of it. I just wanted to stay at home in bed and curl up with a good book. I didn't want to move, think or be bothered with people. Especially when I was feeling so broken and raw. But, I pushed myself. I made myself get up and out of the house despite how I felt, and despite how I felt I looked. I pushed myself despite the overwhelming weight of my depression. And I'm so glad I did. I felt like Bassey was in my bedroom the night before and was witnessing my complete breakdown. It was like her poems were in my head and they touched me so deeply words can not describe. I was also feeling very exposed and anxious about being there by myself. My wife couldn't come with me because she couldn't find a babysitter. Luckily I saw the one person that I knew in real life from twitter dopegirlfresh. She's such an amazing person and so warm and friendly. That I no longer felt alone and devastated. The evening was a hit, and the next day I got to spend it with my adorable godson and my wife, it reminded me that she's my wife and best friend for a reason (not like I could forget) just those few hours in the presence of someone truly safe watching Frida was healing. After that I went out for a peanut butter and jelly doughnut and then caught the last half of Sharon Bridgforth's Blood Pudding. I left feeling better and rejuvenated.

I wanted to keep that feeling, so when all the negative shaming thoughts began to creep back in to my life. I began to change the subject in my internal monologue. I started thinking of better things or just something else to stop the pain I put myself through. And who would have guessed but it's actually been working. I don't feel completely free of what ails me, but it's better. By stopping the shame I'm able to breathe a little bit easier and I've been able to keep some those wonderful positive vibes from this weekend. I'm determined to be happy and I've decided to fight to keep myself feeling better. I've realized that all too often once that first wave of depression hits me, I've tended to lay down and give in. No more I'm going to try and fight to be happy and not struggle so much to do small things. Who knows one day it just may work. I've decided to do the work that's necessary to get better, and that's actually something that I took away from Bassey, I'm going to be committed to getting better, because I can't live like this forever.

It was after this poem that I texted my wife and said "She's trying to kill me." Yeah this poem is just..... yeah

Dinner tonight

2010-08-03T14:58:00.000-04:00

I love to cook, and I've been posting pics of my food creations on my tumblr. I've been neglecting this blog so I decided to post some more of my recipes here as well.

Tonight I'll be attempting Indian and Indian inspired food. Ala my favorite on the next food network star Aarti Sequeira and of course my consistent favorite Giada.I love Giada, ask anyone that knows me, I talk about her like I know her.

From Giada I'll be making Citrus Rice Salad and Trinidadian Stewed chicken

From Aarti I'm trying her Baked Samosas minus the chicken.

My mom's a vegetarian so I like to have as many of the dishes be meat free as possible. I always try to have a meat too for the meat eaters, but personally I don't always need to have meat with every meal. So we'll see how this all turns out.

Journey, love, me.

2010-07-09T00:21:00.002-04:00

I'm still on a journey, but a much different one than I thought when I started this blog. When I started I thought my journey was about learning how to live my life as a Lesbian. Now I realize that it's just a part of a greater journey to learn how to live a healthy life. A large part of that is learning how to love me, all of me. Every roll, every scar, ever bump, every neurotic habit, Everything. I am by no means there or even close to being there yet, but I'm closer than I was before. I just washed my hair, and I didn't re-twist it because it's the summer time and it doesn't stay twisted for long anyways. So I left my hair alone and now I'm sporting a serious fro. I'm trying to be ok, with my hair not looking right. I'm trying to be ok with me just as I am. I also am trying to accept and care for my body in it's current state. I have a large scar across my abdomen, I'm trying to love my scar, and the rolls it bisects. I'm trying to love my thick thighs and saggy boobs. So I'm gonna keep saying:

I love my scars, inside and out.
I love my rolls.
I love my hair, in whatever state.
I love the gap between my teeth.
I love my skin.
I love me.

I don't believe everything I just wrote, but if I keep saying it then hopefully one day. I'll be able to write/say this and it'll all be true.

blogging and life

2010-06-17T00:29:00.002-04:00

Quarterlife Queer and Evolving Contradiction both wrote posts about blogging and their intentions in blogging. I've been in a similar place I've been trying to post over and over again, about my surgery and where I'm at. I'm very much in the same place as Evolving, I find it easier to tell strangers things here than people in my everyday life. This is my place to get it all out.

But, I just can't seem to get the words out. The surgery went fine, I'm fine, I healed and lost 15lbs. But, despite all of that it was one of the most traumatic events of my life. It just pushed a lot of my buttons and really put me in an uncomfortable place. But, beyond this I can't just describe this situation enough. Now I'm in the process of processing the whole event and the issues that it brought up in me. Today my therapist said something that I found so astonishing. She said that I don't have to live the way I am. She said that I don't have to live in a world where I'm just biding my time in between crises. She said that I don't have to be happy and then sad, that there's something else... Maybe that's the first step envisioning a life, not of fame or fortune, but of health. So I have a lot of issues and most days I'm not sure if I'm coming or going, but I'm gonna believe that eventually I'll reach this magical place that my therapist mentioned, I'll call it stability.

Surgery fun

2010-05-08T03:09:00.003-04:00

So I just erased this long ass post about my hospital stay, and impending surgery. But it was too personal even for this blog and I just decided to scrap it all. Anyway here's an abbreviated version/update. I just found out that I have 2 very large fibroids, 1 inside my uterus and another on top of my uterus that extends all the way to my liver. Needless to say it feels great.

This is why being uninsured sucks:
1. The clinics you can afford to go to suck. I was told that I had acid reflux.... yeah not so much. The doctor didn't even order an ultra sound which is how the found my fibroids.

2. Doctors aren't really a fan of people without insurance. I was told that my surgery that was supposedly semi urgent was going to be put on hold until I got insurance coverage.

So I have a lot more thoughts and feelings about everything I'm about to go through, but I can't really formulate them for myself, so I sure as hell can't put them on here. So Tuesday at 1pm I'll be undergoing abdominal myommectomy. Prayers and positive vibes appreciated.

Scars

2010-04-12T01:51:00.002-04:00

I have a lot of scars all over my legs. They're not as bad as they used to be, but they're still there and still very present. See I'm allergic to bug bites and after they blister they leave nice scars on my legs. Which would be annoying but not that big of a deal for most people. However, as the dermatologist told me when I was younger I have slow healing skin apparently which means mine stick around for an extra long time. It really is wonderful :side eye: Anyway the point is that I have scars all over my legs and I've always been very aware of them because people don't like to let me forget them. I remember being younger and both children and adults would ask what happened to my legs (like that's ever an appropriate question), and for some reason I would always try to explain. It's really ridiculous when you think about why I should dignify these rude motherfuckers with an answer about my skin, just because they're nosey. Why should I allow them in to my private life and explain about my skin when they really could care less about me. But, I always answered always. I would explain they were just mosquito bites, and then I'd have to deal with their continued ignorant comments about damn how many mosquitoes bit you? See because bites that were years old looked the same as bites that were only a few months.

Eventually I began to wear pants all the time, which really dealt with the issue because people could no longer see my scars so I didn't have to deal with the questions. However, I was a lifeguard so whenever I went to work I'd have to deal with the questions again, but I'd always answer and deal with the humiliation again. Fortunately eventually they did begin to lighten and they are nowhere near as bad as they used to be. But they're still there, but I no longer cover them up. I no longer hide them because I don't want to be hot and uncomfortable when it's hot. However, I’m always aware of them.

Then this New years eve as I was trying to clean up my house and get the everything in order for the new year I cut my leg on my hamper and now I have a new scar, a nice long one on my calf. I was pissed when I got it, because I know it's going to stick around for a while. Every now and then when I'm lotioning up and I look at it I get pissed again, because there it is just staring at me, mocking me and my formerly improving legs. I stare at it and I resent it and all the other scars that didn't dare heal any faster, and I'm pissed that I was making so much progress but now this one fucking scar is going to stick around. But, it'll be ok I tell myself. It's just one scar of many and it won't stop you from living your life, but it's still another scar and I'll always remember it's there. It showed up when I was trying to get my life together and now I'm stuck with it.

I don't really know why I decided to share the story of my scars, but I guess I'm trying to move from being scarred to having scars.

Window seat

2010-04-01T16:30:00.003-04:00

I love Erykah Badu's Window seat. The video is cool, but I think the song is so much more than the video of her gettin' butt naked in Dallas. I feel this song so deeply it's ridiculous. That's why I didn't post the video, it's better to not get distracted by the video. So listen and read a long with the words. Amazing!

Window Seat - Erykah Badu
So, presently i’m standing
Here right now
You’re so demanding
Tell me what u want from me
Concluding
Concentrating on my music , lover , and my babies
Makes me wanna ask the lady for a ticket outta town…
So can I get a window seat
Don’t want nobody next to me
I just want a ticket outta town
A look around
And a safe touch down
Window seat
Don’t want nobody next to me
I just want a chance to fly
A chance to cry
And a long bye bye..
But I need u to want me
Need you to miss me
I need your attention
I need you next me
I need someone to clap for me
I need your direction
Somebody say come back
Come back baby come back
I want u to need me
Come back come back baby come back
Come back come back baby come back
Come back come back baby come back
So, in my mind i’m tusslin’
Back and forth ‘tween here and hustlin’
I don’t wanna time travel no mo
I wanna be here
I’m thinking
On this porch i’m rockin’
Back and forth light lightning hopkins
If anybody speak to scotty
Tell him beam me up..
So can I get a window seat
Don’t want nobody next to me
I just want a ticket outta town
A look around
And a safe touch down
Window seat
Don’t want nobody next to me
I just want a chance to fly
A chance to cry
And a long bye bye..
But I need you to miss me
Need somebody come get me
Need your attention
Need your energy yes I do
Need someone to clap for me
Need your affection
Somebody say come back
Come back baby come back
I want u to need me
Come back come back baby come back
Come back come back baby come back
Come back come back baby come back
But can I get a window seat
Don’t want nobody next to me
I just want a ticket outta town
A look around
And a safe touch down…
I just need a chance to fly
A chance to cry
And a long
Bye bye..

Helloooooo 26

2010-03-29T23:27:00.002-04:00

As I write this I'm 30 mins away from 26. I was looking over my old posts, to see my bday post from last year and I didn't even post. I was currently deep in a funk. Trying my hardest not to completely fall apart. Well here I am at 26 and things are getting better. I just got back from an amazing weekend with 2 of my favorite people in the world. I was able to be surrounded by truly genuine people who radiated positivity and I'm better for it. So this year, I'm determined to make changes. I'm really going to work on pulling myself out of this hole I've dug, I'm no longer just going to consider climbing out, I'm going to put in the work.

My birthday doesn't really feel special this year, it just seems like another day, nothing for me to be excited. I'm not gonna lie part of this is due to a wave of depression I'm currently fighting, but I'm trying to look beyond myself and my current situation. So I'm not 100% better, but I'm on the mend. I'm feeling better about my life and the decision I've made. I'm not where I want to be, and I'm not yet at the point to say that I'm happy that I am who I am here, but I've done what I have needed to in order to remain relatively sane. So this is how I'm entering 26, fighting off a wave of depression I feel creeping, but I'm still hopeful and positive about where I'm going to go from here. So welcome 26 I'm sure it's going to be a hell of a ride.

This path

2010-03-02T23:43:00.003-05:00

So last night despite feeling great most of the day, I started to feel a little down, so I pulled out some books, I needed something to make me feel better, so I grabbed a couple of Audre Lorde books, but I was having a hard time concentrating. As I was scrambling to find something to hang on to, to make it through this dark spot. I started thinking that I needed healing words. I wrote it down in my journal. I wrote I need healing words, from strong women who have been through it all so I can know that I can make it. After writing I started to feel a little bit better, and then as I was skimming through the Audre's Cancer Journals and I come to this article that was written exactly 5 years before I was born. On March 30, 1979 she wrote about her mastectomy and her fear that she'd never regain the pleasure that she got from that right breast that was removed. She wrote :

"... That sense has completely passed away, as I have come to realize that that well of feeling was within me. I alone own my feelings. I can never lose that feeling because I own it, because it comes out of myself. I can attach it anywhere I want to, because my feelings are apart of me, my sorrow and my joy.
I would never have chosen this path, but I am very glad to be who I am, here."
~Audre Lorde

I love that whole passage but especially that last part where she says I would never have chosen this path, but I am very glad to be who I am, here. How amazingly strong and self assured. Even through a horrible trying time, she was able to see through it all and cling on to her own sense of self. Beneath all of her pain, there was a deep love and acceptance of herself and every aspect of her. That's amazing, I know it's something I don't have yet, but hopefully I will be there one day. I'm beginning to realize that there is no sense in bemoaning where I'm at in my life or the many paths my life has taken me down, because beneath it all. I've always been me, and I need to learn to connect to myself more and not be side tracked by everything else, even my own feelings because they don't control me, I control my feelings.

Sigh I just love her, and I'm grateful for the revelations that came to me last night, hopefully someone out there will be similarly blessed.

Even a little is still better

2010-03-01T15:54:00.003-05:00

These past 2 years have been really really rough on me. I've been in one of the deepest depressions of my life, but thankfully I can say even though it's been rough, it hasn't been the worst. Anyway today I realized that I'm feel a little bit better. I'm not 100% yet, but I feel myself creeping out of my hole. I've noticed more bright days than dark so I'm feeling optimistic. Gnarls Barkley has a song that actually describes where I'm at perfectly.

My favorite line of the entire song is "even a little is still better". This song is just perfect right now. Enjoy and here are the rest of the lyrics

"A Little Better"

[Cee-Lo]
Now I can sing you the storyline
And if you like my story fine
But ain't none of the glory mine
See my life was a lonely one
And I was still momma's only son
With no idea what I'm gon' become
And I didn't have long to know
That you don't have to be grown to go
I could have died so long befo'
Then I finally saw the sign
And I made it on down the line
One step at a time

[Chorus]
I feel better!
I can smile at it now, I feel better
Ohhhh, better!
And even a little is still better
Oh, have mercy on me

[Cee-Lo]
Ohhh it's probably plain to see
That I got a whole lot of pain in me
And it will always remain in me
So cold, it's a cryin shame
Yet here I am, tryin again
Cause I refuse to die in vain
The circumstances put soul in me
And there ain't no holdin me
I've got a heart made of gold in me
Hah, can you believe this is where I've been?
And when adversity comes again
I'll deal with it then

[Chorus]
I feel better!
I can laugh at it now, I feel better, heh heh
Ohhhh, better!
And even a little is still better
Oh, have mercy on me-heeeeeeee

[Cee-Lo]
Ah-ahhh-hahhh-ah yeahhh
Mmmmmmmmmm, ohhhhhhh-oh-ohhhh!

I said everything's fine, you can take your time
What would be on your mind, if you knew you was dyin
I would wanna just feel this ah-one more time
I said everything's fine, take yo' time
What would be on your mind, if you knew you was dyin
I would wanna just feel this ah-one more time
I wanna thank you morning sun
I wanna thank you lowly dirt
Now I know I'm not the only one
I, I wanna thank you friendly ghost
When all the calls were close
It seems like you cared the most
I, I wanna thank you Mom and Dad
For hurtin me so bad
But you're the best I ever had
I, I wanna thank you... [fades]

Questions on my mind

2010-02-28T01:22:00.002-05:00

Random late night questions:
It's damn near 1:30am and these are some of the questions keeping me up right now. I just figured if I got them out of my system maybe the answers would become clear.

How do you feel safe doing everyday average things, when that safety has been violated?
Do you ever feel safe letting someone you care about out of your sight after they've been hurt?
When you feel pain so deeply because of someone else's trauma how do you keep it inside so you don't pull them back down with you?
Is it ever going to be safe to be a woman in this world?

2010-02-18T16:37:00.002-05:00

76 years ago today Audre Lorde was born.

I have a lot of deep feelings about her and I definitely feel like we're connected on some level even though she passed when I was only 8 years old. But, I just want to take some time and just honor her, for living her life bravely.

Happy Birthday Audre!

Back to church?

2010-02-07T23:48:00.004-05:00

I've been thinking a lot about the path I've taken in my life. Specifically the people that I have cut out of my life. I tend to do that, a lot. But, recently I've been thinking about the people who were connected to my more conservative evangelical days. After coming out, I cut myself off from that part of my life and most everyone who was a part of it. I needed to be far away from the old me, the me who felt caged in a life that was a times fulfilling, but ultimately left me wanting. So I not only left the church, but I also left a lot of the people associated with it. Now I'm not going to lie, some of those people I needed to let go. They were no good for me on any level and I tolerated a lot of their behavior because it was the "Christian" thing to do, but in the past couple of weeks I've been dreaming about them, and I've also had the urge to go back to Church. But, I can never go back to the kind of church that I went to before, because I'm 100% sure that I will not be accepted. So in order to go back I have to find a new church a completely different type of church. However, that's not what I really want. I want to be able to fully integrate the old and new me, but two things that are diametrically opposed can't live in harmony... Can they?

How do you go on when you've turned your back on everything you were taught to believe? The more I think about it, it's not so much the people I miss even though my heart aches for some of them. But, it's more about the feeling I had in church and I don't think I can get that back. Because despite what I've been told since from people I respect. Everything I was taught tells me that I can't go back without changing parts of me that just can't change.

Haiti my forgotten homeland

2010-01-13T01:21:00.003-05:00

My heart has been breaking as I read more and more of the news coming out of Haiti. I am half Haitian. My father and all of my aunts except one were born in Haiti. Now my father is a sporadic visitor in my life. So I don't know very much about that side of me. But, I do know that my grandmother who I am in contact with still calls and sends money and supplies to our relatives there. Today a 7.0 magnitude earthquake hit 10 miles from Port-Au-Prince where my family lives. I'm sitting here wondering if the little girl whose picture I saw at my grandmother's house is still alive, and I'm even more sick that I don't even remember her name. But, I always said someday I'm going to go there and meet them, I'm going to contact them, one day, one day one day. And now I'm not sure if that day will come. I'm just praying for my relatives that I barely know and hoping that I will get that chance to have that meeting.

Please text YELE to 501501 to donate $5 to the relief efforts in Haiti and keep all the people of Haiti in your thoughts and prayers.

New Year

2009-12-30T01:26:00.002-05:00

When I was younger, I was frequently told that I talked too much and I've always spoken too fast. So in general I've never been at a loss for words, but recently I have no idea what I want to say. Have you ever found yourself in the position where there are no words that can accurately describe the way you feel? I've been trying to think about a nice end of the year post, but this year has been such a blur. I have no idea how to describe it, I've been so introspective this past year. This year has really been about me. I've found myself in a position that I've never been in before and I have been reexamining pretty much every aspect of my life. But, oddly enough all of this time I've spent thinking about where I am and where I want to go, I find myself unable to clearly say what I want to say. I know that there are words out there that fit my situation, but I'm at a loss. So for this new year I pray for a new me and new opportunities.

Happy New Year All!!

If my life were a paranormal romance novel

2009-12-18T02:34:00.003-05:00

If my life were a paranormal romance novel, instead of having these super strong defenses that keep most people at arms length; I would have mental shields that protect me from having my mind controlled. I’d be this super strong kick ass woman who protects those she loves and is actually successful at it. When someone I care for is hurt I’d be able to use my super powers and get vengeance, and everyone would know not to mess with the people I care for. If my life was a paranormal romance novel, at the end of the book. I’d get the girl and the bad guys would lose. But, my life isn’t a paranormal romance novel and sometimes, more often than not, the bad guys win and I can’t protect those I love.

Bad Videos

2009-11-30T19:47:00.002-05:00

So I currently have no job, but it looks like that might possibly be changing (I have an interview on Wednesday!) So I stay up late and I watch a lot of vh1 soul, and on this one night I happened to catch this episode of soul school where they played only old videos and can I say WOW there were some pretty bad videos. Here's a sampling

Let's start out with Sheena Easton "The Lover in me"

She already can't dance, but she also has the weirdest expression throughout the whole video which I can only guess is the sexy face. Oh you can't forget the random girl pour water all over herself. She's wet, you get it ::Black girl Eye roll::

Then we have the Whispers "Keep on Lovin' me"

Which is more like your dad and uncles strolling around.... I really love it lol

But the creme de la creme of bad videos has to be "Ice Cream Castles" by the Time
Not only is the video bad, but the song is just as horrible. My favorite line "You are white, I am of color" sung by the Pimp lead singer to the white girls bopping around in the background. Don't forget the white girls playing patty cake in matching outfits. I wasn't sure if this was the time or Flash and the Ebony Sparks.

Pain

2009-11-29T21:17:00.002-05:00

So I've been thinking a lot about pain. Pain is supposed to be a warning sign. Generally if you're experiencing some sort of pain, something is wrong. However, I find that a lot of us have been conditioned to ignore these warning signs and ignore pain. But, what are the other ways that pain functions in our lives and do we all feel the same way about it. I know particularly people involved in bdsm have a different relationship with pain. So I'm opening up this to you all. How do you handle pain? What is your relationship with it. Personally I tend to fall into the category of ignoring my pain. When I'm intense emotional pain I tend to withdraw completely and when I'm in physical pain depending on the level I may snap at others but eventually the result is the same. I might tell someone when I'm in physical pain, I tend to deal with that better than emotional pain. I almost never tell anyone when I'm in emotional pain. I lock it up and then deal with it in little bits and pieces. So what about you?

Stay tuned

2009-11-07T00:45:00.002-05:00

I have a lot I want to say, and post here. But despite how semi anonymous this space is. It still requires a level of vulnerability. I'm not ready for,but this need to share some of my writing is very strong. So don't think that I've abandoned this blog, I'm just still trying to find that balance. So stay tuned...

Book review

2009-11-02T17:09:00.004-05:00

I didn't forget about you all or this lovely blog. Things have been crazy in my life and I'm trying to get them all figured out. I have a lot I want to blog about, especially my DC trip, but this past weekend I read to books with Black lesbian main characters and I figured what the hell I might as well review them for you all so here we go. Since you're supposed to give stars and shit when you review something I'm going to give stars(or asterisks since I don't know how to get stars on my Blog) and its out of a possible five.

The first book I read was Manjani by Freedom Speaks Diaspora. ***1/2

Coming from a Black Studies background, I really wanted to read it because it was about a Black Lesbian fighting for the revolution. So I dove in head first anxious to read about a politically aware Black Lesbian, and I have to say overall I really liked it. The story is about the coming of age of a young Black Lesbian named Manjani, now I mention that she's a lesbian, because that's what attracted me to the book in the first place however, she doesn't come out until towards the end of the book. But, sexuality is definitely an issue that is dealt with throughout the whole book. The book really speaks to how gender and sexuality fit into a Black Nationalist paradigm. I have to be honest, that when I struggled with the book a large part of it was because of the heavy Black Nationalist perspective that Manjani was a part of. My own vision of what true liberation means for us as a people and it's not exclusive to the Black community, and therefore not in line with Black Nationalism. However, that's another post for another time. Back to the story, the book carries you through the emotional, spiritual and even physical journey of Manjani as she deals with a family crisis, and tries to live out her socio-political ideals. The story is filled with tons of quintessential Black Nationalist rhetoric that is both refreshing, and entertaining. I was often annoyed by Manjani's attitude, but also loved how she dealt with the "well meaning" White racists she encounters. It highlights a lot of the short comings in Black Nationalist organizations and what happens when your idealic view of the Black community is confronted with the reality of human nature. All in all it was a good read, I felt like the book dragged through her transformation and she went really unchanged for a large portion of the book and then all of a sudden her eyes are open.

This might be due in part to the spiritual journey she is also on throughout the book. I have to be honest I find that part of the book the most riveting and exciting, but also confusing. You are thrust into her world which is completely like ours except that she sees things in the spiritual realm that most people don't. It is such an ingrained part of her life that the author doesn't really give full explanation of. In the beginning she talks a lot about second sight and her journey, but you're not sure if she's speaking literally or metaphorically. I found myself frustrated at times, but ultimately I was rooting for her and eager to see where her journey would take her. I wished that the author would have included more of a lesbian community, rather than just references to other Queer people, but her sexuality really wasn't the focus of this book. It isn't a coming out novel, but rather a coming of age novel and I appreciate the boldness that Manjani possesses and the novel as a whole.

The next book I read was She Slipped and Fell by Shonda. **1/2
I came across this book the same way I did Manjani through Sistah's on the Shelf; really the only resource out there for Black Lesbian fiction. She slipped and fell seemed like it would be a departure from much of the Black Lesbian hood lit that's out there. Which, if you like it then more power to you, I just prefer something different. Anyway, I've had this book for a few months and hadn't gotten around to it until today. I tried to start it a couple of weeks ago, but was turned off by the very first scene where one of the characters is taking a shit. I'm sorry that just grossed me out too much. That may just be my issue, but it definitely made me pause.

She slipped and fell is in short about two friends who fall in love, and try to figure out how to love each other openly. I have to be completely honest and say I absolutely did not like this book for at least the first half of it. I felt like the author was slipping into a lot of the same tired descriptions and notions of beauty concerning the characters. *side rant* I'm so sick and tired of authors having to make one of the characters have light eyes, skin or hair in order to make them extra special and beautiful. My family is filled with people of varying shades of hair, skin and eyes and it adds to their beauty in the same way that anyone else's hair, skin and eyes do. It doesn't make them extra special, and they shouldn't be exoticized because of it! Ok rant over. Back to the story the two main characters Tina and Kendall were refreshing in that they were middle class Black girls, not extra rich and not struggling through the drug game. They were both good students with goals and little to stand in their way. They fall in love and that predictable throws their worlds for a loop, but for me the most interesting part of the book was seeing who they became as adults and how they handled the decisions the made and the tragedies they were dealt. It was a nice coming out story in that you got to see the whole spectrum of coming out, acceptance of self, acceptance by your family and also dealing with being openly gay in the world. I was troubled with the book in that I felt like the author invalidated butch identity, by inferring that because the two main characters were both femme, they were some how not like those Lesbians, and she also played into a lot of the stereotypes surrounding Butch women.

Their emotional maturity that they showed towards the end of the book made the beginning more bearable and even worth it. I found myself going aww at the end instead of throwing the book. I definitely recommend reading it; however don't expect any profound revelations or your world to be changed. It is a nice book to just sit, read and maybe even commune with a story that may or may not have resonated with your own coming out story.

Freaks and masks

2009-10-13T01:53:00.003-04:00

So while I was writing a post about the march and my first day in DC I get a call from my friend from high school calls me, and we agree to meet up at a local bar and catch up. I haven't seen her in a good 6 years. Realizing that we're about to meet up, I realize shit I'm going to have to come out to her. I haven't had to come out to anyone in a while, and I still get nervous. So it was nice, I rambled and we reminisced and talked about where we are now. Afterward it got me thinking, because I put up my mask, I talked about my life as if I was completely comfortable and secure about everything, but clearly I'm not. So I talked, I listened, we hugged and made plans to get together during thanksgiving.

But, later when I was walking back to my hotel, all of these thoughts came to my mind, about where I'm at in my life. Where I wanna be, how I'm sick of being single, sick of being a virgin. I was thinking about how much I've changed since High School, and I still feel insecure about it all. I still feel like a freak 90% of the time. So I get back to my hotel and I start to look at my books that I bought, and I stopped at Lambda Rising and bought the 2nd edition of Does Your Mama Know? Which when I was first coming out was my life saver. I clung to it like it was the last bit of air on earth. So I was looking at some of the new stories and I stopped at Olive Demetrius', and you all know I love me some UPeople lol. And I identified so much with her story I felt so much better, instantly. It was the same feeling that I got when I was in KY watching UPeople, or reading the first edition of the book. Even though I've come a long way, there are still times where I fear that my world is going to come crashing down, because I'm gay, where I fear for everythiing and I think that I'm truly a freak because, no one else seems to have the same issues that I'm having. That's why these stories are so important because even though you can be surrounded by a million people you can still be lonely, and these stories help me feel a little less lonely.

We Wear the Mask

WE wear the mask that grins and lies,
It hides our cheeks and shades our eyes,—
This debt we pay to human guile;
With torn and bleeding hearts we smile,
And mouth with myriad subtleties.

Why should the world be over-wise,
In counting all our tears and sighs?
Nay, let them only see us, while
We wear the mask.

We smile, but, O great Christ, our cries
To thee from tortured souls arise.
We sing, but oh the clay is vile
Beneath our feet, and long the mile;
But let the world dream otherwise,
We wear the mask!

Let's connect!

2009-10-10T01:57:00.002-04:00

I've been thinking a lot lately about meeting one on one and having physical interaction with each other. It's so easy not to do this day and age, because we have so many other mediums of communicating. Hell, we text more than we talk now a days. So this really came up last weekend when I was talking with a friend about the importance of marching and why I'm marching in this national equality march. I was thinking that it's important to be known as more than a signiture or an ip address or a screen name.

Our lives and experiences are real and important and making connections with one another in real life can't compare to the best of online conversations. Oddly enough Bruce Willis' new movie surrogates reminded me of that. It got me thinking would I want some robot out there living my life for me? The answer is a clear no there is just something about being out there and living life for real that can't be beat. Especially when it comes to activism its important for us to have an online pressence as well as a physical one. So this weekend I'll be in DC marching for equality, cold and all. So if you're gonna be there too and want to meet up let me know, because I'm heading down there by myself. I'll see you there.

My greatest addiction

2009-10-02T02:13:00.003-04:00

My name is Journey Woman and I'm a book addict.

The before... which is not even all of my books.

The After

bookshelf 1

Bookshelf 2

Pursuing my dreams

2009-09-26T23:50:00.003-04:00

So its very hard to have a dream and actually confess it out loud, because once you give voice to your dream I believe the Universe sits and waits to see what you'll do with it. And this, is where I am now. I have confessed to my two closest friends my revelation of what I ultimately want to do with my life, and now I bring it here. I find I need to say it a few times for it really to sink in. I started off saying in my head. If I could do anything in the world, I would be a writer. Then to my friends I said "I want to be a professional writer". And, now I'm saying I am going to be a writer. That last time was hard, because its true I've moved from the wishing and hoping stage to the open declaration stage and its FUCKING scary. Because the truth of the matter is that I am terrified that I am going to fail, that I'm not good enough. My main concern is my grammar which sucks, as you can tell her. Even though I make no effort to be grammatically correct here. When I start writing something for this blog, I just let my fingers flow over the keyboard and whatever comes out, comes out. I do not proofread because ultimately I probably wouldn't publish anything I write. Anyway back to what I was saying I am going to be a writer. I'm speaking it into being and actually taking steps towards my goal. I'm currently working on several things, that up until now I have been afraid to do. I'm currently working on a novel and a short story. These are some ideas that I have had for a long time, and now I'm ready to commit to them, commit to myself and commit to working to make sure that I'm happy.

I'm nervous for several reasons, the main one is that I've never had any type of training, I've never even taken a creative writing class. I feel almost like a fraud an imposter trying to enter into a circle where people have worked long and hard for years and hear I am saying yes I want to be one of you. But, I realized that I feel better when I write. Even now this free flow of ideas and thoughts feels good, it releases some of the pressure from all the other bull shit I have deal with every day. Tonight I've been feeling very creative and in the zone. I got 3 pages out on my novel and more that were just random notes. So hear goes nothing I'm throwing my hat into the ring let's see how this all turns out.

silent

2009-09-22T15:41:00.002-04:00

When I first saw her face I was silent, I said nothing, didn’t acknowledge it or the pain that was growing in my chest every second I saw that ugly bruise on her face. I didn’t say anything because I wanted to save her from having to come up with another lie or excuse, because we all know what happened. So what would the purpose be of making her lie about something we all know the truth about. I said nothing, because there is nothing left to be said that hasn’t already been said. We’ve said it, all of us. We’ve told her she doesn’t deserve to be beaten like this. We’ve told her how wonderful and beautiful she is, but it doesn’t matter to her because every man in her life has hit her and abused her.

So I said nothing, swallowed the bile that was rising smiled, called her by he nickname and watched her walk out the door back to him. I watch her sit proudly next to him as if half of her beautiful face wasn’t marred with bruises. As if she wasn’t hiding two knife cuts underneath her clothes. She told her daughter she fought for the first 2 rounds but not the last one, because she took a hard hit. As I hear her daughter re tell this story I can’t help but wonder if she’ll leave him before that final too hard hit comes. But, I’m silent, because I’m helpless in this situation. I can’t make her see the beauty we all see, I can’t make her realize he’s scum and isn’t worthy of him. I can’t’ make her tell the truth to the police instead of lie to cover up for him. I can't make her see that if she doesn't leave him he'll kill her before AIDS will. So I’m silent and its killing me, watching him slowly kill her.

Internet intimacy

2009-09-20T22:00:00.003-04:00

In this technological age, we definitely have disconnected from more one on one contact. I’ve found such a great amazing community both in person and online, even though I would have to say my online community is larger than my in person one. None the less there are people I can go to and who I have many things in common with. However, I often find myself obsessively checking, my email, facebook and twitter just praying, wishing, hoping that someone anyone would reach out and try to connect with me. Talk with me show me some type of love, because that’s what we’re all seeking in relationships right? So instead of walking up to someone and putting your arms around them and saying I really just need a hug and need to feel connected to someone. Some of us update our statuses praying that someone comments, take quizzes, post notes, update our blogs, because hey real up close and personal intimacy is hard but putting up an Audre Lorde quote on facebook is easy.

life

2009-09-19T23:06:00.003-04:00

Dear Life,
You suck sometimes.

Sincerely,
Journey Woman

Damsel

2009-09-14T23:39:00.004-04:00

Is there room to be both a Radical Queer Woman of Color and a Damsel?

(start at about 4 mins in)

I've been obsessed with Crystal Monee Hall since I saw her at Rivers of Honey a couple of weeks ago. She's amazing and has this song called Damsel which I've been listening to non stop on youtube (since that's the only place I can find it). In her song she tells this woman, that she can love her, show her love and asks her to open her self to her she'll save her. I love everything about this song, her voice, her words and just the groove of it. I would absolutely melt if a woman ever sang this song to me, and I have to admit that the idea of being the Damsel is appealing. How often do we get the opportunity to just be and have someone say don't worry I got you? Now of course, I don't want this all the time 24/7 I want my own agency, but wouldn't it be nice just for a little bit to be able to sit back and just be, and have someone say they're gonna take your distress. Especially as QWOC who in the hell is really offering that?

I guess what really appeals to me about this song goes beyond my own aspirations to have someone save me on some level, but it rekindled the idea that I can still have my own version of a fairy tale. But, My prince doesn't have to be a blond white boy but, a thick beautiful Black Princess with locs and an amazing voice. Oh the possibilities!

Stations

2009-09-06T18:39:00.001-04:00

I love me some Audre Lorde, in case you didn't already know that.

Stations
by Audre Lorde

Some women love to wait for life
for a ring in the June light
for a touch of the sun to heal them
for another woman's voice
to make them whole
to untie their hands
put words in their mouths
form to the passages
sound to their screams
for some other sleeper to remember
their future
their past.

Some women wait for their right train
in the wrong station
in the alleys of morning
for the noon to holler
the night come down.

Some women wait for love
to rise up
the child of their promise
to gather from earth
what they do not plant
to claim pain for labor
to become
the tip of an arrow
to aim at the heart of now
but it never stays.

Some women wait for visions
that do not return
where they were not welcomed
naked
for invitations to places
they always wanted to visit
to be repeated.

Some women wait for themselves
around the next corner
and call the empty spot peace
but the opposite of living
is only not living
and the stars do not care.

Some women wait for something to change
and nothing does change
so they change

Me

2009-09-06T00:35:00.005-04:00

Something has been really bothering me lately, it feels like there is so much resistance to me just being me. I feel like in order to "fit" I need to change so many aspects of myself. From the way I dress, to how I live my life. It seems like whatever I do just isn't enough. It isn't ok and I'm so over it. I feel this particularly when it comes to dating. I'm neither butch nor femme or androgynous. I'm just me, my style is very much for comfort, most days I'm wearing jeans, t-shirt and head scarf; and that's how I'm comfortable dressing. I don't like heels, I can't walk in them and they hurt my feet, so I don't wear them anymore simple. I don't wear make up, and I could careless about whether my nail polish is all there. Those things just aren't important to me. Sometimes I like to show of the Venus and Serena with a nice low cut shirt, and I don't like my clothes to be overly loose are tight fitting. This is just who I am, and I'm tired of being made to feel like I need to change these aspects of myself. Unfortunately it seems like to get a date I need to change in some way, dress up, dress down, become more butch or more femme. But, that's not me. QuarterlifeQueer posted an amazing post not too long ago, about life in the middle, and its absolutely beautiful and definitely on time. So often, we are forgotten, us who switch it up and just live in the gray area of an already gray community.

I'm also not one of those extra granola dykes. I care about the environment and what's going on with the earth, but I also like my degree deodorant. If that makes me a hypocrite then so be it. I'm a meat eater and I'm not gonna change that, I even, gasp, eat pork! I know scandalous right? I also like to get drunk every now and then. I reserve the right to be all of this and so much more and I'm not changing any time soon, and if I change it will be my choice and not because I felt pressured.
Yes I'm 25 years old and still a virgin, no I'm not happy about it, but I'm not ashamed either. I'm also not a puppy to be put on display as the 25 yr old virgin. I've also been out for 3 years and haven't been in a relationship with a woman or even kissed a woman, and it has nothing to do with me being unsure about my sexuality. Sure I wish things were different, but they're not. This is my life, these are my experiences. I guess this is all apart of reclaiming me, because this is who I am and I'm tired of feeling bad for it. Hopefully this won't mean that I'm single for the next 30 years, but you know what if changing who I am is what it takes to find someone fuck it! I'll be single.

Crystal Monee Hall

2009-09-05T02:46:00.003-04:00

quick post, Music has become my obsession lately, I find it hard to get through the day without an internal soundtrack. So today I went to WOW Cafe for the monthly even of rivers of honey which is amazing! Olive Demetrius was there and performed and was stunning. But, considering I gush over her and Hanifah enough on this blog I decided to highlight someone new who I'm loving right now! Her name is Crystal Monee Hall and she is one baad bitch! She got up on that stage and shut it down! Here's a little taste courtesy of youtube

Amazing right?! She says she has an album coming out in 2010, and all I know is that my ass is going to be first in line to get it.

Energy

2009-09-04T02:31:00.004-04:00

So I've been trying this whole new positivity thing. I always tell other people to think positively about a situation, you know put out the energy you want to get back and all that jazz. I honestly believe it... but for other people. I haven't quite taken hold of this idea for myself, so I tried it. I thought positively about a situation and did not get the results I wanted. I know its not like a gum ball machine where you put in a quarter and you get what you want, its much more complicated than that. But, that's the problem with so many things in this world. So often I know things in my mind but, I struggle with bring that knowledge and acceptance to my heart and soul. So what to do? How do you rectify what you believe in your head with what's in your heart? Isn't that one of the cosmic eternal questions? I find myself thinking about what I did wrong to bring about the wrong outcome? Maybe it's not even a wrong outcome, but just not the one I wanted? I don't know that's another one to add to the list of questions that go unanswered for the time being.

This post probably doesn't make much sense, but I'm definitely writing very stream of consciousness right now, so bare with me. I've been trying to get all of my thoughts out. This is my latest mission, because I find when I hold too much in, it gets to be too much. So I'm releasing all my hopes, dreams, fears and nightmares and hoping that with this release I'll gain some peace. I've even started journaling in an effort to really get it all out. I even bought a nice new journal from Barnes and Noble that is supposed to be eco friendly, fair trade and made by a women's co op in Nepal. I really feel like it's inspiring me to write more. Anyway I think that I've definitely verbally vomited enough on this blog for tonight.

From Staceyann Chin

2009-08-30T12:24:00.002-04:00

PLEASE POST ON YOUR BLOGS, SITES, LISTS etc. Help us reach the folks we need.

Many of you have already heard about our film, Baby Makes me. For you, this is an update. But for the folks who have not heard Tiona and I are making a documentary together.

For years, I have wanted to become a mother. But the timing has never been quite right. Either my partners weren’t ready, or I was scared, or I couldn’t find a donor or something. There was always something. By the time I rolled into 35, I was tired of being afraid, tired of waiting for the right woman with whom it would be the right time, tired of watching every Christmas roll over another Birthday, tired of watching my peers get knocked up and months later appear with the most amazing little bundle of potential—I was tired of waiting and ready to make the leap, and I was ready to make it alone.

I began the research with great heart—only to discover that there were little no resources for women who either wanted to, or had to embark on the journey of motherhood in the solo. There were one or two essays and a few books on artificial insemination, and some were even directed at lesbians—but most, if not all assumed that the mother would be operating from inside of a partnership, be that partnership heterosexual or homosexual.

The idea for the film came out of a conversation with Tiona to film the pregnancy/labor, assuming that there would be one—because no one, least of all me, knows if my body will cooperate in doing such a thing as conceiving. I envisioned Tiona asking a couple of heartfelt questions and spinning the light to create a high-end home-movie I could show my child at eighteen. She agreed and we began to flesh out some ideas. That conversation, coupled with the lack of resource material out there spurred the project now known as Baby Makes Me.

Baby Makes Me, a feature-length documentary, will explore the challenges and triumphs of Single Motherhood, particularly in the lives of women of color, lesbians and women who make a conscious choice to be mothers in the absence of intimate/romantic partnerships with men.

The film will use as its narrative skeleton, the journey of activist/writer/performer, Staceyann Chin, as she navigates her personal choices with reference to motherhood. Author of the memoir, The Other Side of Paradise, Chin now brings her talents to the medium of film as writer and Executive Producer.

The Director, Tiona McClodden, is a champion of promoting positive images of women in media. Her last film, “Black./womyn.:conversations…”, garnered much respect in both accolades and awards. She now brings her attention to the issue of women and motherhood.

It is our intent to interview a series of women from all the demographic cross-sections. Issues of financial, ethical, medical, cultural, and political relevance will be fore-grounded. We hope that clinics, hospitals, families, children of Black lesbians, straight Black women who want children, mothers of gay women who lament the loss of grandchildren when they discover their daughters are gay, and anybody who seeks to have a clearer picture of the family that includes gay women will see that our lives go on, that women who are single, be they lesbian, or Black or poor, can and do have babies, and that we are simply another group of people who live and laugh and grow. We hope to paint the subjects in the film as human and likable characters who, though they are dealing with slightly different challenges than the women we traditionally see as mothers, are not very different from any other group of people considering parenthood.

We are going to need all the help we can get. We need help in reaching out to folks who would like to be interviewed; other single mothers, women who have been inseminated, women who are thinking about it, women who work in the medical field, women who work in the administrative world of policy etc. We are on the hunt for the all the voices that could represent our story in the film.

We have recently been awarded a grant from ASTREA Lesbian Foundation for Justice and are set to move forward. We write to you now, in the hope that you will want to be involved in this groundbreaking project in whatever capacity you choose: we need space to host fundraisers and screening and other events connected to the film. We need people to fundraise, to promote the film, to host community talks, to suggest topics for discussion in the film—we need to secure additional investors, we need the help of people who are experts in the business of making films, and we need the counter-perspective of people who have never made a film. We are hoping to make this a community effort; from start to finish we want the ideas to be representative of the various factions in our diverse village of the women who mother our children. If you are sure you are unable to do any of the above, we only ask that you make room for our fliers, questionnaires, invitations, and other promotional materials for the film.

We would be honored if you would join us as we attempt to break more ceilings, level more walls to make room those of us who are too frequently left out of the history and imagination of the world we live in. We look forward to a spirited journey with you, from the opening shot to the ending credits—complete with your name listed among the most stalwart of our supporters.

Thanks again to the women who have already offered assistance. We look forward to your being a part of our process.

Staceyann Chin
Executive Producer/Writer, “Baby Makes Me”
Tiona McClodden
Director/Producer, “Baby Makes Me”

Please send all inquiries and requests to: babymakesme@gmail.com

*I love Staceyann Chin! Is it bad I considered having a baby so I could meet her? Yeah, you're right, too much lol*

Crazy

2009-08-14T03:35:00.001-04:00

I'm just feeling this song, right now.

I remember when, I remember, I remember when I lost my mind
There was something so pleasant about that place.
Even your emotions had an echo
In so much space

And when you're out there
Without care,
Yeah, I was out of touch
But it wasn't because I didn't know enough
I just knew too much

Does that make me crazy?
Does that make me crazy?
Does that make me crazy?
Possibly [radio version]
probably [album version]

And I hope that you are having the time of your life
But think twice, that's my only advice

Come on now, who do you, who do you, who do you, who do you think you are,
Ha ha ha bless your soul
You really think you're in control

Well, I think you're crazy
I think you're crazy
I think you're crazy
Just like me

My heroes had the heart to lose their lives out on a limb
And all I remember is thinking, I want to be like them
Ever since I was little, ever since I was little it looked like fun
And it's no coincidence I've come
And I can die when I'm done

Maybe I'm crazy
Maybe you're crazy
Maybe we're crazy
Probably

Uh, uh

Being the angry black woman isn't so bad

2009-08-11T20:26:00.003-04:00

I've been thinking a lot about this past year and the many ways that I've changed and haven't been myself. I realized that this past year I have not been as angry as I have been in the past. I'm an angry person, and its actually not as bad as it sounds. I've always been accused of being angry. I was the angry baby, I was the angry Black woman. I've never seen my anger as a bad thing, its been the outward expression of my passion for all things that mean anything to me. I realized that I've lost some of my anger this past Sunday when I got angry again and it felt good.

This past Sunday I was in central park for the summer stage concert series. I was having a good time, enjoying the music hanging with friends and laughing at the hot mess that was Jon B's performance. Then the DJ asked the audience if we wanted to hear reggae, the crowd started cheering and after the next performance her played a reggae mix. Which of course had to include Buju Banton's Boom bye bye. I'm not even going to post lyrics google them if you haven't already heard about this song. Basic message kill the gays, they're nasty. I got so infuriated that I went up to the WBLS table who was sponsoring the event to complain, but the guys there were just volunteers. I still voiced my complaint and went back to my friends trying to be easy but when he played TOK's song Chi Chi man, same premise as Buju's song. That was it, I went up to the VIP area closest to the stage and asked who I could speak to about the DJ. I ended up talking to the venue manager and I went the fuck off. It felt so good. I told him about how offensive the song was, I told I wanted to find out why the DJ felt like that song would be a good one to play. He said its freedom of speech and people can say whatever they want. That really got me, needless to say it went back and forth for a bit more, before I walked away with the manager saying he'd pass on my complaint. He probably didn't but what was important is that I got it out and it felt fucking good. Now don't get me wrong I was still mad for a good while after, but once I calmed down it felt fucking good. I got back in touch with my anger, and I've missed it.

This past year instead of getting mad at the people who deserved my anger I've been internalizing it and I've been worst off for it. So I'm getting back in touch of my anger, I'm gonna yell when I need to, scream when I need to and cuss people out when they deserve it because being the angry black woman isn't so bad.

Reclaiming me

2009-08-07T02:10:00.003-04:00

I'm in the process of reclaiming me. This past year I've been really in a funk and not doing what I need to do and what I know to do. I've let a lot of things that I consider intrinsic to who I am slip away. I've given up fighting and surrendered to every negative thought that's cross my mind. I realize that I'm not clear on exactly who I am and even my picture of who I want to be has contaminated, but still I've stopped moving in any direction. I've just curled up in the fetal position in a corner and prayed that all the bad stuff would be gone when I woke up. There's still a lot I have to deal with and process, but not so willing to lay down and give in anymore. I'm really trying to reclaim some space in my life that isn't dedicated to family, friends and other people and just making some me space. I'm trying to make an altar but I have no idea how. But I'm really trying to make some changes in my life, and blogging again is a part of that. So that's all I have to say for now, but I'm really gonna try and blog more. I miss this space.

I'm really feeling this song by Maya Azucena right now

More of the same

2009-07-28T02:29:00.003-04:00

Hot damn its been 3 months since my last post. I haven't updated my blog in a while mainly because I wasn't really sure, how personal I still wanted this space to be. But you know what fuck it I got shit to say and this is my space to say it.

It's currently 2:31am and I just got back in from sitting in front of cops with my aunt waiting for answers about my little cousin who just got arrested. about an hour ago I was laying in my bed when I heard the too familiar sound of the police officer knock. All those who've had police come knocking at their door for one reason or another knows exactly what it sounds like. Anyway 2 female police officers come in asking for my aunt and tell me that my cousin just got arrested I later find out that its for possession with an intent to sell. So not only is it a felony, but apparently they're not going to let him out until his court date.

These are all the details and while they're important that's not what bothers me. If I'm being completely honest I knew my lil cousin was selling drugs. When you would ask him he would always say know, but my entire family recognized the signs. But, his mother isn't exactly the best example for not being involved in illegal activities considering her boyfriend is one of the biggest drug dealers in our neighborhood. I know the reasons why my cousin has fallen into gang life, dealing and using drugs, its largely due in part to my aunt being so messed up herself she hasn't really put in the time and love into raising her son, and no matter how much the rest of my family pours love into my nephew it can't compare to getting it from his mother. As I write this I find myself needing to justify and defend my nephew and his actions, but fuck all of that. He's my baby, I was one of the first people to watch him as a baby. I've grown up with him and seen him through so many different phases in his life. So despite all of his bad decisions he's still my man man. My little cousin who I hold near and dear to my heart and the idea of him sitting in prison scares the shit out of me, because he's my baby. I know he's no saint and was definitely in the wrong, but as I sit here all I'm wondering is, is he scared? Is he ok? Is he getting picked on and beat up? Why can't we go and get him? I was getting so hopeful about him lately. I've been seeing more of him and he wasn't looking as depressed as he has in the past. I was thinking finally he's coming around. He's going to be alright and then he gets arrested. We have a family reunion coming up in August and last night I had a dream about my whole entire family hanging out and having a good time and he was there. But now he's most likely not going to be at the reunion. He's most likely not going to get off with just probation he's going to do time and that scares me. Because despite his tough exterior my cousin is very sensitive, and I don't know if he's strong enough for jail.

It was just so surreal standing out there waiting on word with so many others similarly waiting for word. Some just nosey and some there for support, but what really pissed me off was just how common this scenario is. The crying mother, women in their nightgowns and head scarves, all arms crossed starring daggers at police who just view us more of the same.

Letter to my former friend on the anniversary of her mother’s death

2009-04-28T23:34:00.000-04:00

Letter to my former friend on the anniversary of her mother’s death,

I don’t know what to say to you. We were really close and I trusted you more than I do most people. I let you in where I hadn’t anyone else; I took a chance with you and our group of friends and you more than others. We were friends, we were sisters I relied on you, and needed you. But, you couldn’t be there for me 100% . You wanted to pick and choose which parts of me you acknowledged and befriended and I can’t handle that, and it kills me. I really miss you, there are so many jokes no one else gets and so many times you helped me through that I could definitely use you for now in my life. But, a lot of those situations involve women, women who are Queer like me, who love other women like me, and I know you don’t want to be involved in those situations. I know you won’t go with me to a pride celebration or a random discussion or documentary. When I find the love of my life, we can’t express our love in front of you without you being uncomfortable. I wanted to be auntie to your kids, but will you allow your kids to come over my house? Can my partner and I sleep in the same bed at your house? I know that the answers to these questions aren’t the ones that I want to hear. Because of all these things we can’t be friends. I wish it was different, I wish I could talk to you about the girl I met that I think is hot, but I can’t. I know your faith comes above everything else and your faith does not permit you to “encourage” my lifestyle. So our friendship has to end.

Despite all this, I still love you like a sister and I loved your mother like she was my blood. I grieved when I first heard about her death, and I grieved even more when I saw the hurt on your face. So because I loved her so much I couldn’t let her day she died past another year without saying something to you, because I know she wanted us to look after each other. So that’s why I contacted you, but I just can’t handle dealing with our issues anymore. I can’t handle you saying you want to hear from me, because you can’t handle all of me.

Heathen

2009-04-19T11:35:00.002-04:00

Its Sunday and I'm home, not going to church just like I haven't gone in the past few months. I didn't even go to church on Easter Sunday. That's the first time in many many years that I haven't even gone to church on Easter and I wonder how did I get to this point. I used to be such a super Christian, I used to be in Church more often than not, Church was my life. Now here I am a few years later and I'm not going to church at all. I miss going to church I really do, but the fact is that church is no longer a place to find peace for me, its just another place on the long list of places that give me anxiety.

I guess that's what happens when you're so deeply entrenched in the Christian community and you see all the homophobia and then you come out. Because no matter what anyone says I was there, I know what people say behind closed doors. I know that I could walk into most churches and I would be greeted graciously, but they'd be praying for my deliverance from homosexuality. Hell, some of my friends right now are praying for me to be delivered. So yeah, I've become a heathen. I'm not afraid to learn and respect other faiths even :gasp: ones with multiple deities. I don't know if I'll ever go back to church, but I want to, only time will tell.

Friday Lustfulness

2009-04-17T18:41:00.007-04:00

Its been a while since I've featured a beautiful woman on my site. So to set your weekend off right, here's someone I've been lusting after for a while. None other than the beautiful and intelligent Melissa Harris-Lacewell.

She first came to my attention when she murdered Gloria Steinem in a debate on Democracy Now! It was so beautiful she definitely represented for Black feminists everywhere. She's since been on Rachel Maddow and a million other places spreading her knowledge and beauty. You can catch her on her blog or follow her on Twitter, which I highly suggest...she's funny too! ::swoon::

The Other Side of Paradise

2009-04-16T22:49:00.004-04:00

I just finished Staceyann Chin's memoir and it was amazing, as donyea would say that's the most beautifulest story I've ever read. After finishing it I want to give her a hug and not out of a sense of pity but I think I want the hug more for me. She makes me feel like everything is going to be alright, like I can do this crazy thing called life. I don't even know what to say, I don't know how to accurately capture the way I'm feeling. While I was reading much of her story I just couldn't believe that one person could go through so much and still be so amazing. When I saw her at the reading she oozed poise, confidence sexiness and so much more. I sat there in awe of her as a human being and a black lesbian and a survivor. She's just so fucking amazing (which I realize I've said 10 times before). While I've never been abandoned by both parents her story speaks to me. I don't even think it's her story as much as it's her voice. Reading her words and thoughts I got it, I understood her, I saw me.

Her book only goes up to her leaving Jamaica, and I wanna say that I understood or sympathized with her feelings about leaving home and taking control over her life but I more than I understood I felt her words as much as I felt my own when I finally left home. I don't know how to talk about it anymore than I already have but I really want to hug her, for me to know that she's real and she really made it.

So run don't walk and get the book, it's amazing!

Why I still get Starstruck

2009-04-13T08:56:00.004-04:00

Friday my wonderful new friend invited me to this Queer party, and I said sign me up lol. What she didn't tell me was that Olive and Hanifah were going to be there, and you all know how star struck I get. I know, I know they're normal people and my friend has confirmed this to me since she actually knows them, but I still can't help it. The party in general was really good for me in more than just fulfilling the need to get out.

When I got there one of the first people I saw was Hanifah and, I couldn't speak (typical of me). I wasn't prepared to see Hanifah right outside the door or run into Olive inside. It's hard to put it all into words but that night was great on so many levels so much about that party felt right and running into 2 of the people who literally helped me through it all was a little too much to handle. Olive didn't make it any better by complimenting me on my gap, which I actually hate, but she made me feel good about it which is rare, because have I mentioned I absolutely hate my gap. I started to think about why I still get starstruck by them, and I realized that its going to be a while until I'm not completely starstruck by them.

When I was in KY I was so lonely and I was trying to figure out what it means to be Black gay and female. I literally was coming out while I was in Kentucky to almost everyone in my life. When I got there, there were only about 2 people who knew that I was gay. In hindsight coming out in Kentucky wasn't the best idea since I had no support system down there and the friends I made, while all Queer friendly were all straight. I had no one to talk about what I was through with that could really understand. So like any woman in the 21st century I relied on the Internet , I watched vlogs and read blogs for my sense of community and direction. They were my lifeline and hope that there was something out there beyond my small world in KY. So I soaked it all in , I learned about my community from vlogs the most important being UPeople. I consumed everything they put out and sighed with a deep yes, it felt right. In my crazy time in KY so little felt right and made sense but when I was alone in my apt feeling like a freak I could go online and find some sense of self, and community.

This path of self discovery and being comfortable with myself definitely isn't finished, especially since I feel like everything about Kentucky inhibited me from embracing myself completely. So when I moved back and subsequently to Brooklyn, I began to soak up everything I could in Black Queer life, and its been great so far. So when I see Olive and Hanifah out or at one of their events, I know they're regular people that you can just go up and say hi to. I have once in the past (the only time I've had the courage), but its still hard. I was so excited just from the whole night and especially seeing Olive and Hanifah, that I was giddy. My brother thought I was drunk when I came in. After when he realized I wasn't and was talking about it. He had a perfect analogy for it. He said it was like a young MC and just me Jay Z lol, and he's right.

So yeah its really hard for me to just be all laid back and casual when I see people, who literally helped me get through the hell known as Kentucky. Also how do you say this someone without sounding all overdramatic and crazy. So yes, I will absolutely still get starstruck, because that's just not something you get over too quickly.

Oh and have I mentioned that they are two of the most beautiful women I've EVER seen. I'm just saying so in this spirit you should also vote for them for AfterEllen's Hot 100 and 10 Hottest Women of Color.

I'm Going On

2009-04-08T22:33:00.004-04:00

Damn its been almost 2 months since my last post. So sorry my dear blog friends. A lot has been going on with me these past few months, and I'm in the mood to share lol. You're going to have to forgive me, but I can already see that this is setting up to be an extreme stream of consciousness post, so bare with me.

About a month ago, I finally got tired of being miserable and depressed all the time and decided to do something about it. I entered therapy and I have to say that it was one of the best decisions I've ever made. Its really helping. I searched for a nice Black Queer therapist and found an amazing one that I really get along with. Because nothing sucks more than going to a therapist that annoys the hell out of you. My therapist is fucking HOT I'm just saying lol. But, I stopped crushing on her about 2 weeks ago lol. Anyway therapy is a completely new experience for me, because I get to go in a room for an hour every week and talk about myself, and its good but also so weird. Its a rare occasion that WOC allow ourselves the time and the space to be vulnerable and feel everything we're feeling. So I go into the little room and I talk and I'm affirmed and its a fuckin' crazy experience. Today as I left therapy I realized that I was feeling lighter than I was when I walked in. I'm happy that I bit the bullet and got some help and you know what I think that I might actually be alright.... some day lol.

Ladies and gentlemen I finally made a Queer friend that lives near me, I know I know Amazing right. I met her at this training for Community Organizers at the Audre Lorde Project (which side note they're amazing!) and we've been chilling and she's great. Its great to be able to talk to someone who just gets a lot of shit you're going through. We're complex people so not everyone is going to get you all the time, but I feel like my Queer side has been a little neglected and I feel like its getting the necessary attention now.

I have so many posts that aren't completed up here on my dashboard, so I've been thinking of posting, but now I'm finally getting to it. Don't worry I'll be lusting more soon to share with you all, but I just needed to write and get this out. I'm remembering more why I started this blog I needed a place where I can get out a lot of the thoughts in my mind, and I've missed this so I'm going to be blogging more. So stay tuned.

Here's Gnarls Barkley's video for Going On, why? Because its a great song, video and listening to them got me to finally complete a post

Gnarls Barkley - Going On
Uploaded by zegonzag

oh p.s. I'm 25 now !!! Watch out now! lol

Reconnecting

2009-02-13T23:26:00.003-05:00

Hey look a real post!

I grew up with two sisters and an older brother. My mom has four kids so technically I'm not a middle child, but among my sisters I'm in the middle. But, my father had another daughter about a year and a half after my younger sister was born. The first time I met her, I was 7 and she was 3. We took pictures in the hallway of her mother's apartment and then we left. That was also the first time I heard about her. The next time I saw her she was 12 and all about N'Sync and the Backstreet boys. Now that I'm older I decided to look her up and I found her on facebook (who says facebook is pointless). I sent her message after she added me and we've been talking back and forth trying to get to know eachother, and I feel good about it. She's so young and just cute she tells me about her day and her plans for the weekend.

I'm hopeful about our relationship, but what scares me is I'm not out to anyone on my father's side. I practically never see them and the only one I really care about is my grandmother and she's old and very catholic and I don't want to risk being disowned in her final years. So now I'm wondering how to proceed with my sister, you can begin to assume that I'm gay from my facebook page, and I want to have an open honest relationship with her, but I don't want to be out to my father's side who she's closer with. So I'm not sure how to proceed, but for now I'm enjoying being reconnected with my sister.

Monday lust on Wednesday again

2009-02-11T22:44:00.003-05:00

Late again, but this week I get my inspiration from Top Chef and no I'm not lusting after Carla, even though she has won over my heart. I'm lusting after the beautiful Padma Lakshmi.

Monday lust on Wednesday

2009-02-04T01:36:00.003-05:00

Okay so as some of you may know my niece was born on Friday, so I haven't been able to post like I wanted to. Anyway so who am I lusting after on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and pretty much any day of the week. The beautiful Rosario Dawson.... let the drooling commence.

Monday lust

2009-01-26T19:33:00.002-05:00

So in honor of her getting an Oscar nomination the subject of my monday lustfulness is the beautiful Tarajii P. Henson. She's soo fine! Has anyone seen The Curious case of Benjamin Button? It's definitely on my to see list.

Serious Post

2009-01-12T23:48:00.005-05:00

Okay its time for a very serious post! Me and my brother are in a very heated argument about who is hotter Angela or Vanessa Simmons.

I strongly believe Angela is a million times hotter than her sister Vanessa, but my brother thinks Vanessa is hotter and he says the world agrees with him. So world tell me your opinion Angela or Vanessa

Angela

or Vanessa

More Angela

and More Vanessa

Monday lust

2009-01-12T22:32:00.002-05:00

Another Monday lust, I don't know if this is going to be a regular thing, but let's try, even though this is a late monday post but my Monday lust of this week is none other than the beautiful Zoe Saldana.

Monday lust

2009-01-05T01:24:00.005-05:00

Because Laura Luna and QQ got me thinking about all these beautiful women I decided to post pictures, of one of the many loves of my life lol Michelle Rodriguez.

Dear Mr. President

2009-01-02T15:21:00.003-05:00

With everyone asking Obama some serious questions I want to ask him so random, questions. So here's my list.

What would you do if aliens landed on US soil?
How do you feel about the name Baracka and Barackaniqua?
White, wheat or potato bread?
favorite alcoholic beverage?
What do you call Michelle when no one's listening?
How do you REALLY feel about Dubya?
Halle Berry or Sanaa Lathan?
Do you eat pork?
If you could curse out any political pundit who would it be?
who would you go gay for?

Me and the Church

2008-12-29T23:12:00.003-05:00

I was not raised in the church. I started going to church in my early teens, and at the time it was exactly what I needed. I really go into church and got saved when I was 15 years old. At that time I was dealing with an abusive drug addicted step father that brought chaos with him wherever he went. The church was my sanctuary truly, I would go to church and just feel God there and feel safe. I was committed to reading my bible everyday, praying for every one's salvation and preparing for the rapture. I felt so safe and secure and it really steadied me in a lot of ways. But, with my involvement in Church came a lot of shame about everything about me. I was so ashamed that I lusted after women and didn't after men. I would pray all the time for God to take these evil feelings away from me. I active tried to pursue the man that I felt God had planned on me even when I felt absolutely nothing for them. I felt completely numb around them and I constantly questioned what was wrong with me, but I just didn't see any other options.

While I was in college I was very involved in the evangelical student group and put up with a lot of shit from them because we were all God fearing Christians. But, college also exposed me to all different types of people and the hardest to deal with were the few out and proud Queer people on campus, because they were a constant reminder of the lie that I was living. So during my senior year I struggled greatly with my faith, I was starting to feel disconnected because everything I had learned while in church was that God hated homosexuality, oh he loved homosexuals but hated the evil behavior, and I was terrified. I've been to so many different church services where the preacher preached so vehemently against queer people, did altar calls, calling for queer people to come up and be delivered from their wicked ways. So as I was dealing with my sexuality all of this came back to me just telling me that God didn't love me and I was evil.

Clearly I have come to embrace and accept me, wholly and completely, but I still have issues. I have been to queer churches and I know that the words of a many preachers don't accurately reflect God's word. I'm sure that God still loves me, but it's hard when you're constantly being bombarded by gay hating preachers. I realized at the Kwanzaa celebration church is no longer a safe space for me anymore, and that makes me sad. I miss church I want to go back a lot of times, but I feel like I've grown and changed so much and I'm not sure that I fit anymore. When I was hard in to the church I didn't want to hear about any other faith systems because mine was the only one. But, now I respect so many other faiths and have no problem integrating aspects of them into my own life. I have friends that are pagan and I don't see them burning in a fiery hell. Before in church I was taught that anything that isn't exactly in line with Christianity is the work of the devil. But its hard for me now, because I find myself uncomfortable in some Christian situations, not like before, and it honestly makes me worried sometimes. But, I don't know I just don't feel safe anymore in these situations. I don't feel that unconditional love I used to. I know this has a lot to do with me because not all churches are anti gay and homophobic, but just on the everyday its hard.
So this is where I'm at, and I don't know where I'm going but I just needed to get this out.

All trolls be warned your comments will be deleted. You know who you are.

Gay, straight songs

2008-12-28T21:47:00.002-05:00

Have you ever heard a song that was written by a hetero for a hetero audience but it just sounded like a gay song? The first time I heard Amos Lee's in the arms of a woman, I just thought it sounded really gay (in the best way of course). Anyway judge for yourself

Really gay right? Can't you picture a lesbian singing this at Michfest?

Kwanzaa with the Community

2008-12-28T13:57:00.003-05:00

So last night I went to the Kwanzaa celebration at the gay and lesbian center in NYC. I wasn't sure if I was going to go at first. I didn't have the back up of one of my friends at first, but I decided that it was a chance to get out and be among other LGBT POC, and maybe meet a nice lady but that was secondary ;-) . Anyway when I got there it was absolutely packed and I got one of the most awkward spots in the whole place, right in the middle of an aisle. But, as I sit down I look up and I see Olive and Hanifah and damn near passed out. Hanifah was one of the first performers and not only did she tear the place up but she looked absolutely gorgeous. I was almost drooling. Then Olive talked about Kujichagulia, and I'm not gonna lie I was a little over zealous in my clapping i felt when she came on, so I was a little more subdued when she went off. But they seriously have to be the most beautiful couple ever. It's very rare that you think both people in the couple are hot, but that's besides the point, back to the celebration. The performers were amazing, but what I loved more than anything is that I know that when Maulana Karenga created Kwanzaa his idea of African people celebrating Kwanzaa didn't included LGBT people, but during the whole celebration the presenters continued to affirm us as Black people and as queer people and it was beautiful. It was so refreshing.

My only complaint was that it seemed a very Christian influenced program. I'm a Christian and I don't really have a problem with people talking about Jesus, but not everyone is Christian and that should be respected also. But actually the Christian presence actually really worked for me and made me feel comfortable. I've found myself uncomfortable lately in heavily Christian situations, and even in church and I couldn't figure out why. Last night made me realize that church wasn't a safe space for me anymore. It used to be I used to love being in church, but after I came out that went away because a lot of the negativity I heard and always feeling like an outsider. Then last night when I was the ultimate insider I felt completely safe. So its definitely a step forward for me. So all in all it was a great night, and I'm glad I went.

My escape

2008-12-27T04:34:00.002-05:00

It's 4:30 in the morning, and I'm still up, and I have no good reason why. The truth is that I just finished a book that I just started. It's the fourth book in the Anita Blake series, what can I say I'm hooked. My mother is getting concerned that I like reading so many sci-fi novels. She thinks I'm on my way to becoming a pagan. Now I would like to tell her that I've met many a nice pagan and being pagan is not like what you hear about it, but I figure that wouldn't make her feel any better, so she can just keep on thinking I'm on my way to becoming a witch. A lesbian and a witch, it's a little cliche isn't it? Anyway, what my mom doesn't get is that I'd much rather read a book that centers around something so far out of our everyday reality where the good guys always win, because who wants to be reminded about how shitty this world is all the time. So instead of that I read books about our current time, but the majority of the issues come from the fact that we've got vampires, zombies, ghouls and other supernatural creatures running around, not because George W. Bush has been our president for the past 8 years. These novels are my escape from reality, what's yours?

Late night vanity

2008-12-19T00:32:00.003-05:00

I just finished retwisting my hair and I'm feeling hot so I decided to share a pic of my locs. I'm really happy about they're progress.

Call me, Queen Latifah! Call me

2008-12-18T23:37:00.004-05:00

Since I feel like my posts have been a little angry lately. I figured its time for a light hearted post. So on Twitter (which I'm so obsessed with now). I was talking about my love for Queen Latifah, She was one of my first crushes. Unfortunately she's not out yet, but she's so fine I will be her closeted girlfriend. So if you start seeing her with a sexy woman with locs, and this blog goes silent. Don't blow up my spot, just let us live in peace. So here's for my wife the beautiful Queen Latifah.

Oh Queen we can be so happy you just have to call! lol

Angry

2008-12-18T00:48:00.002-05:00

So I started this post on my ipod while I was on the train home for thanksgiving. Since my mother and sister have currently pissed me off I decided to add to it and post it.

I'm just angry! Are you ever just so mad that everything pisses you off and you hate everyone. That's how I'm feeling right now. So here's a list of what is currently pissing me off:

My brother's selfishness
Not being able to tell him that he's being selfish
Heteronormativity
Not having a lot of gay friends
Picky homeless beggers
NYC subways
My MA program
Auto correct on my iPod
Not being able to say what I feel
This whole fucking world
My iPod changing fucking to ducking
Loud ass people on the train
Bad kids
Ugly jumpsuits
Rich white men
Racist gay people
All the fucking happy lesbian couples in NYC (yes I'm hating because I'm single)
Being fucking single
Feeling like I don't belong
Hipsters
Not being able to sleep on the train because this douche bag doesn't have his shit together
People getting on the wrong fucking train
Coming home and being treated like a child (new addition)

Tired

2008-12-16T16:18:00.002-05:00

Do you ever get tired?

Not tired after being on your feet all day at work, or running around doing errands, but just tired of all the bull shit in the world namely all these damn hierarchies. Because, right now I'm really tired. I'm tired of always being in the fucking minority. I'm tired of being gay in a straight world, Black in a white world and a woman in a male world. However, right now I'm especially tired of being gay in a straight world. I'm lucky that I have a few incredible straight friends that allow me to drag them to all these gay events with relatively few objections, but its tiring always being on the outside. I go to these amazing events full of beautiful Queer folks and I'm rejuvenated and energized and then I have to leave that space and deal with ignorance from friends, family and the world at large. I'm tired of being the lone voice of dissent with ignorant comments, and I'm tired of educating others. I'm just so fucking tired. I like to see some version of myself in almost every aspect of my life. So I like watching TV and movies with Queer actors, reading books with Queer characters, and listening to music by Queer musicians (even though I have very few Queer music groups on my ipod), but when I do this and support these works then I'm being biased because I'm gay. I think this is largely due to me being constantly viewed as a special interest, and its fucking annoying.
What really set me off was Beyonce's song "If I was a boy", while I have no problem with her writing a song about being on the other side of her relationship, and I don't think everythinig should be catered to include me, people have the right to write about their experience (now that that disclaimer is out of the way). But, what specifically set me off about that song is where she says

"If I were a boy
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl "

The first thing I thought when I heard those lyrics, was well there are millions of women who know how it feels to love a girl, and it ain't got shit to do with being a boy. Like I said before I get it she wasn't talking about us, (which she has every right to do) but it just reiterated to me how often people aren't talking to us. All those stupid fucking generalizations about what every woman wants which always invariably have something to do with some type of man, which doesn't even apply to all hetero women, but it especially excludes Queer women. I'm just tired of having to be understanding at my exclusion.
I'm just so very tired.

Beautiful women

2008-11-22T21:01:00.003-05:00

You all know that I have a thing about Bald women, Black women in particular. So today my Sister in law's friend comes over and she is bald and absolutely gorgeous. I mean stunning! Now before you go and encourage me to say something you need to know that she is 100% straight, and I'm also ridiculously shy. I wish, that I was one of those studs, you know the ones who ooze sex appeal and confidence, because then I wouldn't care what her orientation is, and wouldn't be offended if she rejects me. But, I'm not so its up to me to just dream lol. So in honor of this gorgeous woman I just saw. Here are some more gorgeous women.

So fucking funny

2008-11-19T00:08:00.000-05:00

So fucking funny!

Get the latest news satire and funny videos at 236.com.

Laughing Matters... Next Gen

2008-11-16T00:06:00.004-05:00

On Friday I got a chance to see Laughing Matters: Next Gen. I've seen the logo version online already but it was great seeing the whole thing together and longer. I was definitely excited because I got to meet Gloria Bigelow, who I have to say may look beautiful online, but in person is absolutely breath taking! Oh my goodness, she's funny too which is just icing on the cake. Three of the comedians were there, Amy Tee, Gloria Bigelow of course and Daniel Leary.

So the movie was supposed to start at 7:30 but they didn't have the DVD so they needed to stall while we waited for the back up DVD to show up. In an effort to stall Amy offers to do some stand up, which might not have been the best idea. She was funny, me and my friend who came with me were laughing, but everyone else not so much. There were definitely others who weren't so amused. The crowd was rough, they had some weird loud almost hecklers. Then some woman named Michelle Balan showed up and literally grabbed the mic right out of her hand. She seemed to be enjoying the complimentary beverages. She was funny, but definitely line stepping on some of the jokes. She said something to Gloria (I can't remember it now), but Gloria looked too through.

The movie was hilarious and definitely better in the extended version. Daniel Leary was so funny. I loved his bit about how he was an extra in a Kelly Clarkson video, he was supposed to be a manly football player taping his hands, but when the video was complete he looked like he was giving himself a manicure. I just looked up the video and he's right. See for yourself, he's the white football player leaning against the locker at 2:09

All in all a great night and I'll definitely be getting the DVD when it comes out.

Random obsession tidbits

2008-11-13T21:54:00.008-05:00

So I just finished participating in the live U People vlog and it is wonderful! It was so much fun, I definitely encourage everyone to tune in at 9pm eastern time and join in.

So has it sunk in yet? We have a Black president! It's crazy, I really didn't think he would win and here we are. I'm so excited and now completely obsessed with the Obamas. You know how some people in the UK are all obsessed with the royal family that's me with the Obamas now. I actually care about all the ridiculous mundane facts about them. Its fun to be so invested in the people that are running our country. I've never been this excited about the future of our country before.

Also all my After Ellen peeps, how surprised are you that Karman and Bridget are married?! I watch Brunch with Bridget faithfully and to find out she's married to Karman is just great and they make such a cute couple too.

Also Katt Williams has a new dvd out and I've only gotten halfway through it, but its soo funny. Here's a cartoon of one part of his routine.

Election Day!!!

2008-11-04T14:25:00.002-05:00

I know you probably had 10 million blogposts about the election but its exciting. So I came back from Brooklyn today to Connecticut to vote. I got up at 7am with my mom, sister and mom's boyfriend. We waited for about 30 minutes, so the wait wasn't too bad. My best friend waited for 2 hours in the Bronx, but she said it was worth it and is excited. I'm so excited and nervous, because everything looks good and Barack should win, but we all know that when it comes to POC what should happen rarely does. So I'm nervous, but hopeful. What was your voting experience like?

Dream

2008-10-31T00:06:00.003-04:00

So a couple of nights ago I had this dream, I've forgotten a lot of it but what I do remember is a few details and general feelings and impressions from the dream. I don't really remember the set up but it was me and some other women together in this room. I have the feeling that they were older than me. We were coming together to do something for women, specifically women of color. I remember that we were lost at some point and weren't sure how to proceed. But, then we read something by Audre Lorde that stressed the importance of writing and the way that writing helped to heal the soul. In my dream I remember that we were specifically reading something of hers, and there was definitely the understanding that she was no longer with us. However, I also have the impression that she was there, that she was physically there reciting her words. I definitely had the feeling of peace, love and acceptance from her. What the dream left me with was that it was writing was imperative to the struggle of women of color. So now I feel like writing, and something else besides this blog and my academic work, but I don't know where to go from here.

Thank you Audre

J Hud

2008-10-30T00:56:00.003-04:00

I'm trying to make up for my lack of posting over the last few months.

Clearly everybody has heard about the Jennifer Hudson's tragedy this past weekend. Now this news has really touched me, I feel so bad for her. As you all may know, I am in love with Jennifer Hudson. I think she's cool, beautiful, intelligent and genuine, so I clearly support everything she does. I just was listening to her album, which I highly recommend, and you can tell how much of herself she pours into all of her songs, and to her so much of her voice come through. I feel for her and her family even more. Its bad enough to lose your mother, brother and nephew, but to lose them all at once and in this horrible way is just devastating. I was talking to my best friend about her this past weekend and we both agreed that we feel like we knew her. I find myself wanting do something. I just don't understand how you just take someone else's life so carelessly and especially a child. Whoever did this is going to pay for it and not necessarily here in this lifetime.

I just hope that she finds comfort in this rough time

Beauty?

2008-10-28T23:55:00.003-04:00

Since I've been watching my nephew and walking around with him I've noticed something interesting in the way people react to him. Now he's gorgeous, don't get that wrong, but people only focus on one of two parts of him, his light skin and curly hair. I've always been considered in the middle so I don't really have any experience with being either light or dark and being harassed because of it. But, everytime I go out with my nephew people are always remarking on his "good" hair and how lucky he is to have it, and they also make inferences about his toddler behavior based on his skin tonel. We were in the grocery store and this lady was talking to him and he wasn't responding to her but he was all about this other lady. Then the woman he's ignoring says oh its because she's light . I'm like come on! He's only 1 yrs old, he doesn't know anything about colorism. My family is very diverse in skin tone, economic situation and a multitude of other factors. People don't see that they only se his light skin and curly hair.

He gets his hair texture from his mom and the volume from my brother. My sis in law told me how she was afraid to say that she liked her hair when she was younger because people would assume it was because of the texture. I don't deny that there are still plenty of color struck people out there and unfortunately a lot of Black people suffer for it. But, is it really necessary to place this all on a baby. Also what bothers me is that many people complementing his hair and skin don't have that in common with him, so I always want to ask them what are you saying about yourself? This self hate runs so deep its sickening. My nephew is beautiful and sure his hair and skin play their part because they're connected to him, but they do not make him any better or worst, and I know for damn sure he won't be continuing this vicious cycle.

We are on the cusp of a major breakthrough in American history in possible electing a Black President, but unfortunately this will have little effect on the way we view ourselves. Will Obama's biracial heritage place him above us without that same heritage? What if Michelle, Malia and Sasha were all rocking natural hair styles? What if Obama was closer to Djimon Honsu than Will Smith? These are all things to consider and hopefully it will all end son, but I'm not oppormistic

Meeting people

2008-10-28T23:42:00.002-04:00

Yeah so about that whole posting more regularly thing.... I'm so sorry I'm really falling off the ball. It's just hard to blog when I have no privacy at my Brother's place, and I like keeping this blog as private as possible, because once everyone knows that I have a blog I begin to feel more limited in what I can post. Anyway I have a couple of posts that I'm working on, but right now I need some advice, I'm getting kind of desperate here. Please can someone anyone tell me how do you meet someone?!

The problem is that I tend to be very introverted at times and occasionally I get a little burst of extroversion. But, in general I'm very shy. So when I go to events and see a beautiful woman, I can't say anything. I know a lot of Queer folks hit up the clubs, but I'm not the best dancer and become very uncomfortable, unless I'm a little tipsy and meeting someone while drunk really doesn't give off the best first impression. So come on people how do you do it? I just updated my downelink profile, which I'm not too thrilled about because I hate downelink sometimes. There are too many young kids trying to get laid. I'm reaching desperation levels here, now. I jut want to meet a nice girl, it doesn't even have to be romantic I just need some gay friends. so PLEASE HELP!!!

Gone for a minute now I'm back

2008-09-29T22:17:00.002-04:00

I don't even know how long its been since I last posted. I've been attempting to post for a while but no post really sticks. I've been staying in Brooklyn for quite a while babysitting my beautiful nephew and being out of my mom's house has brought me out of the depression that I was in. So in some ways I'm feeling much better than I've been since leaving my grad program. Unfortunately I haven't really done any work that I needed to and am digging my self further and further into a hole I don't need to be in. But I'm trying to deal and taking things slowly.

Anyway in some good news I was walking down the street in BK and I saw Olive and Hanifah from U People and nearly lost myself I was so excited. Unfortunately me and my star struckness prevented me from saying hi. But it was still very exciting.

I feel like during this unintentional hiatus I've had so much that I wanted to post about, but now that I'm actually deciding to post, I'm coming up blank. Anyway, I was depressed which is why I was away but now I'm working on reclaiming my life so I'm gonna try and post more regularly.

Please Stop Niecy Nash!

2008-08-26T12:29:00.003-04:00

So a few weeks ago me and my sister got into an argument over Niecy Nash. We were watching Clean house and I was so bothered by her, I definitely felt like she was sort of mammyish. She was full of girlfriends, and honey and listen to mama. And I'm just tired of seeing Black women portrayed that way, especially by Black women. I recognize that that's her character and that's how she's making money but damn at what expense? I'm not saying that Black actresses have to all be Claire Huxtable but can we stay away from reinforcing stereotypes. My opinion was reinforced when I saw her on the Wendy Williams show. She seemed fairly cool but I was too through when I found out that she had creative licensce behind her character and particularly her appearance. Which is particularly a problem when it came to her red carpet outfit at the Hollywood premiere. She put on a prosthetic butt which she proudly showed off in a bathing suit. If this isn't reminisent of the Hottentot venus I don't know what is.

What's really horrible are all the comments under this picture. Some of the worst are

picho Mon, Jul 21, 2008 at 08:18 PM EST

I only watched the Reno movie because I saw her in a swimsuit in the trailer....I was completely erect whenever she was onscreen!! She has a fine-ass body!!

drools Fri, Jun 13, 2008 at 11:34 PM EST
my dick is so hard i was jacking off on her ass during the movie

mila Wed, Feb 21, 2007 at 12:39 AM EST

Hmmmm....they're right black IS better

Like I said I get it, you need to make money, but was it really necessary to do it at the detriment to all Black women? I saw a picture of her and her daughter and it was a very nice and sweet picture, but when her daughter is grown and some ignorant ass comes up to her and says some slick shit about her butt, or some dumb white girl comes up to her and says hey girlfriend. Will Niecy Nash feel at all culpable in perpetuating this image of Black women?

Copy cats suck!!

2008-08-19T15:32:00.004-04:00

I'm pissed!!

I was on facebook the other day when I notice that this girl I went to Trinidad with got the exact same tattoo as me, but instead of it on her wrist its on her neck. Now this was no coincidence, she did not just happen upon the same design as me. I posted the picture of my tattoo shortly after I got it and this girl wrote on my wall ooh I want that tattoo. I commented back hehe thanks, and that was it in my mind. Now 7 months later she posts pictures of the exact same tattoo that I have. Now I don't have a common tattoo, I'm sure that there are people in the world with my tattoo, but I think its just tacky to copy the exact same tattoo that someone you know has. I'm so mad, I took time and researched and thought about this and its very personal to me. Now I don't doubt that she appreciates the meaning but this girl doesn't have a track record of being very thoughtful with tattoos. She has a rosary on her foot, mind you she's not catholic and doesn't even believe in God. She has a Sanskrit tattoo on her back that doesn't even mean what she thought. I know this may sound petty but I'm just so mad that she blatantly copied my tattoo.

The original

The copy

Some random randomness

2008-08-15T22:28:00.005-04:00

Okay so in my random bum life I have come across a couple of things that make my heart smile.

First AfterEllen hipped me to face your manga so now I can finally reveal a complete head shot for you all to see. Here is the real me lol

Then I have a new blog crush Post homo nuyorican homo. Please go and check her out, I may have to stalk *cough* I mean read her blog a whole lot lol! My love affair began when I read her post that was cross posted on racialicious about the new movie bitch slap, and then has only grown through her coverage of America Ferrera's eye roll, which you have to see for yourself.

and I also loved her post trans representation on TV. So my blog crush is official and you should go and crush.. err I mean enjoy her blog too.

and then finally I've given in, I can no longer resist anymore all the pressure anymore I finally did it. I walked into Barnes and Noble and walked around the kids section, but I didn't see it. So I walked upstairs and still couldn't find it so I had to do it I had to ask the information clerk, I had to say "Uhmmm excuse me, Where are the....... Harry Potter books?" It killed me to actually have to verbalize that I intended to buy a Harry Potter book. I tried to make up for it by buying another novel, that wasn't in the kids section so I bought Babyji by Abha Dawesar. I read it in one day, it was really good, I highly suggest you buy it. So now I'm reading the first Harry Potter and it isn't horrible lol. I'm so ashamed lol

oh and random hot athlete pic in honor of the Olympics. I introduce to you Natasha Kai, oh and she's Queer! I love a woman with tattoos!!

Black People can swim!!

2008-08-10T23:52:00.005-04:00

So its time for the Olympics, and I'm watching even thoush I said I wouldn't. I really wanted to make a principled moral stand, but I suck sometimes. Am I really the only weak one out there? Have you ever wanted to boycott something in entertainment and not been able to? Maybe I'm really to weak. Anyway enough with my weakness. back to the Olympics so this is the only time I get really patriotic. I just finished watching the men's 4x 100 relay. I love swimming so I try to watch most of the races, but this one was especially important because of Cullen Jones.

Its very rare for people of color to be major contenders in swimming and then Cullen Jones makes the Olympic team. The best part is that we won! smashed a world record and beat the French who were talking trash *cough* I mean we won and beat the highly favored French (that sounds less aggressive right?). Anyway I was so excited and into this race. Cullen Jones is only the 2nd African American to win Gold in the Olympics and mind you the first was Anthony Ervin in 2000. Believe it or not Ervin is Black, Native American and Jewish, Black comes in all different colors.

Cullen is also the third Black swimmer to make the Olympic team, Anthony Ervin was the first followed by Maritza Correia.

Maritza Correia is the first Black Puerto Rican to make the team, which is also great, because I've noticed that even in Countries with large populations of POC you only see the white members, like Australia and South Africa.

Okay if it wasn't enough that these three are making moves in the swimming world, but Maritza and Cullen are also dating! How great is that?! Cullen and Maritza are also committed to helping out the community. They're working on a documentary about Black swimmers called parting the waters. Read more here

I'm excited that he won the gold but unfortunately that was his only race for this Olympics.
So I'm a little excited if you couldn't tell lol. So am I the only one watching? Which are your favorite events?

Stop the Orange people

2008-08-03T16:15:00.004-04:00

I had to put up this pic I found on TMZ and no I normally don't visit that site, but I'm glad I did today. This is further evidence of a new emerging race, the race of orange people. I think TMZ has spotted their leader, and I'm sorry they need to be stopped! Stop the Orange people!!
h/t TMZ

Friends

2008-07-26T19:05:00.003-04:00

This is sort of a follow up to my last post. Yesterday I reconnected with one of my friends from undergrad, we'll call her C. We weren't really close, but we were definitely friends. I definitely think that we weren't closer friends because she made me very uncomfortable, because she was so comfortable with being a lesbian and I was so not. Well yesterday we finally caught up on AIM. I haven't come out to her because I really don't know why, I was afraid that she'd hold up some gay measuring stick and mark me as a clear fail. I think this is due in part to a real experience I had with this girl. She was bi and I was excited and was like oh cool another Black Queer woman and when she found out that I was a virgin. She said that I couldn't really be sure since I've never been with a man or woman sexually. She even went so far as to tell me to stop calling myself a lesbian. Unfortunately I was really drunk during the last statement so it registered a little late for me to get pissed. Anyway I was talking to C and I got a huge amount of anxiety about coming out to her, and then I finally just did it and she was completely cool and amazing of course. It really got me wondering why I was so afraid in the first place. It felt so good to talk to another Black lesbian about coming out and everything and she really just get it. She moved to my state recently and offered to be my gay club buddy. So that made me really happy.

Despite my excitement about a great coming out experience it reminds me of my friend who I've subsequently fallen out of touch with because of her inability to accept me as I am. I'm still grieving the loss of our friendship and that friend. I feel like I should be over it since its been a while, but it still hurts when I think about where we are now. What really pisses me off is that she was able to talk with C about her being a Black lesbian and all the various labels, but with me she can't. It just reminds of how funny friendships are, all of my friends except her have been amazing and supportive, so I guess that says a lot about the nature of our friendship. We went on spring break together our senior year and a couple weeks ago she texts me and says that she was looking at the pictures and remembering the great time we had and then she ends the text with love you guys. I really wanted to respond and say who does she love? Not the real me, but the conservative Christian me, waiting to find a good man, and denying a part of herself. I just left it alone, and I'm just going to focus on my supportive friends like C. Coming out really shows you who your real friends are.

Beware!! Lesbian processing

2008-07-23T02:57:00.006-04:00

So I've missed 2 important dates, My bloggeversary and the anniversary of me coming out. I started this blog 2 years ago trying to process "my dilemma" as I was calling it, because I was too afraid to even type the words lesbian or gay. The whole idea of me being gay was terrifying and I felt so very alone. Blogging really helped me find a community which was amazing and really helped me in those early months.

So now its been 2 years and I'm reflecting on everything and I feel like I should be at a different point than I am, I feel like I'm sort of beginning again. So let me back track a little bit, I count my official coming out as July 10, 2006 because that is when I first told my best friend and she was the first person who actually knows me in real life to know. At that time I just graduated from undergrad and was about to start my graduate program and move to a random ass southern city. At the time I was really looking forward to getting out of my home state of CT and from a lot of the people I knew because them knowing me was suffocating. Everyone had this perception of who I was, the good little Christian girl who did not curse, think about sex let alone have a sexuality, drink or do anything worldly ( you should have seen the uproar my first tattoo caused). That was just too much so I figured a change of scenery would be good. In hindsight I think that was the wrong decision. I left an area where I had someone who was showing me around all the Queer areas and guiding me to go to an area where I knew no one. When I left my hometown I was still in a place of trying to be what a lesbian was supposed to be like, which led me to do a lot of compromising. In my program I was the only Queer person there, and had to carry the weight of a whole community I still didn't fully understand. My program was very hostile and these past 2 years have been some of the hardest I've ever had to deal with. There were some nice moments while I was away but in general I was completely miserable, and this consequently sent me into a nice depression that I'm still working on emerging from.

I realized that when you're coming out you really need someone there to lead you along, show you the community, let you know you're not a freak and really be that shoulder. I definitely wouldn't have made it had it not been for my hetero friends, but your hetero friends can be very supportive ultimately I think you need another Queer person there. Because unless you've gone through this process you have no idea what it's like, and you can't ever fully relate. So I didn't have the gay guru when I was in grad school so I've been fumbling my way through this whole process and now that I'm home and confronting everything that I was running from before I feel like I'm back at square 1. However, being in such a hostile environment has given me more assurance in my identity and I'm definitely not going through the whole I don't know why the fuck I feel this way thing anymore. I know I'm a lesbian and I'm completely happy with it, its just that now I have to deal with this whole outside world, which is the annoying part. I'm searching for a community here either in CT or in NYC. I'm learning to deal with being the gay kid in my family and feeling like I fit, but not really because I'm not like everyone else. These are all things that I think I would have been farther along if I had not moved. Now I'm having to come out ot people who I'm not close with, and others that I hadn't said anything to, like my only Black Lesbian friend in College. Oddly its slightly harder to come out to Queer folks who knew me when I was a Super Christian.

Anyway so here I am 2 years out, and still learning, still growing and if there was any doubt to me being a Lesbian this long ass processing post should be evidence lol.

Oh Baby!

2008-07-19T23:24:00.003-04:00

So my mom picked up my nephew for the weekend, and this little boy absolutely melts my heart. He is too adorable! He's such an easy going baby, he doesn't fuss and the way he laughs at me makes me feel like I'm the funniest person in the world. This past weekend I spent sometime with both my nephew and my godson, my godson mind you has puss and boots eyes. He's really going to cause me to give him whatever he wants because when he looks at me with those eyes I'm powerless. My nephew has long eyelashes and killer dimples, so basically I'm ready to empty my bank account if they ask me to.

My mom is so excited because she has another vegetarian in the house, even if he is only 10 months old. So I'm on baby duty pretty much, but I don't mind, he's just that cute. Right now as I'm sitting here he is knocked out on my bed. I was gonna let him stay in my bed, just so I don't have to wake him to move him, but he may be small but he can hog a bed. But, the main point of this post is looking at him and my Godson, I just wonder how could anyone ever hurt a child? I know all babies aren't as easy going, but how can you look down at that little person and want to seriously cause them harm?

Look at my beautiful nephew in the car with his cool shades on

I fell in love Sunday Night

2008-07-15T00:37:00.002-04:00

I just had the amazing pleasure of seeing Lenelle Moise in her play Expatriate. It was amazing, hands down the best play I've ever seen. The descriptions I've seen of the play don't do it justice. The play is more than the story of 2 women who leave the U.S. to escape all the various isms in the U.S. Its really about the very real and complicated relationship between 2 longtime friends Claudie and Althine. I absolutely fell in love with the main character Claudie. I identified with her so much minus lusting after the best friend. She was so real and troubled. I love how Lenelle Moise was able to show how someone can have a life's worth of baggage and issues and still manage to be a whole person. Then there is Althine who is such a familiar character. I feel like everyone has an Althine in their life. You watch Althine go down this self destructive path and you are rooting for her the whole time. the combination of supeb acting and amazing music completely pulled you in. The fusion of jazz, and jazz influenced music just captivated me. The play starred Lenelle Moise and also Karla Mosley who played Althine. Mosley was amazing (I know how many times can I use amazing, but there really is no other word to describe this play). Karla Mosley really owned the character of Althine she made you feel everything Althine was. I will give away that Althine does struggle with addiction, and Karla Mosley played the cracked out singer role so well I felt like I was watching Whitney Houston on Being Bobby Brown. I found myself sitting there and just wondering how I managed to see this amazing play. I wondered how did she create this piece. I love how Claudie is a Lesbian in the play and sexuality is definitely a large part of this work, but its not the only piece. It is not a tragic coming out story, or the same tired story of the poor lesbian forever lusting after her unsuspecting best friend.

Even though Karla Mosley was stunning, I have fallen completely in love with Lenelle Moise, seriously COMPLETELY in love with her. I love a strong intelligent beautiful woman, and Lenelle Moise is all that and more. She not only starred in the play but she also wrote and composed it. I was lucky enough to get a front row center seat for the play and at one point she glanced down and her eyes were piercing. I saw all the passion and emotion she brought to this role. I went on the night where there was a talk back session about Black Queer protagonists and when she came back out she literally took my breath away she was so stunning. I sat there and just soaked up everything she said. Afterward I shook her hand and I got a picture taken with her, but I get so star struck I couldn't say all I wanted to. I wanted to tell her how much this play touched me, even now its hard to describe. I've been really going through a rough time lately and battling some serious bouts depression, and seeing me reflected back not only in the play but in the wonderful example of a strong beautiful Black Queer woman that is Lenelle Moise, really made me feel so much better. She was so nice when I spoke to her briefly and incoherently (damn my starkstruckness!) I was so nervous I forgot to introduce myself and she asked my name and when she asked I was like why would you even care who I am. But, she is that down earth not just putting up with annoying fans. If stalking wasn't annoying, creepy, illegal and a real turn off I would so stalk her lol! If anyone is in the NYC area and wants to go, but doesn't want to go alone I will go with you, because if I bring its less stalkerish....right? lol
But in all seriousness she was able to put together such a beautiful piece of art that didn't just entertain me, but it touched me. Lenelle and Sharon Bridgeforth were talking about the importance of making positive life choices and choosing to be healthy, and I needed to hear that.
After going to this play I felt the way I do when I go to a U People event, I felt at home.

drunk post

2008-07-13T04:41:00.001-04:00

I am drunk at la escuelita in NYC having a great time but I decided to document my drunkeness online. So its official my first and most likely last drunk post. Merry christmas and a happy new year. I haven't been drunk in 2 months by the way

Sober edit:
Yeah so I thought it would be a great idea to post while I was drunk and at the club from my phone. Maybe that wasn't such a good idea, that last drink DEFINITELY wasn't a good idea as I found out on Sunday, but hey I'm all about being young and irresponsible for a while. However, I don't think I'll be drinking like that for a while, hangovers are not fun at all.

New Music

2008-07-12T10:23:00.008-04:00

New Music!!

So I just discovered the wonderfulness that is Adele!

The UK is really doing there thing, Amy Winehouse, Leona Lewis and now Adele. As much as I love Amy Winehouse I think Adele might be gaining on her in my heart. Adele isn't completely strung out on drugs, doesn't have any racist videos circulating, she's beautiful, she's plus sized and can sing her ass off. I love when she was asked about losing weight she said she would lose weight when it began to interfere with her sex life!

So some of my favorite songs from her album are

Her big single Chasing Pavements

Right as Rain

Daydreamer, which is not only beautiful, but also written about her bisexual boyfriend who left her for a man. What I love is that it doesn't go the previous routes of bisexual men in r&b songs. Examples A & B. But enjoy a beautiful song

and hands down my favorite song on the whole album Melt my heart to stone.

Thanks again to the wonderful people at U People, I've again discovered another great artist Joy Denalane. The June mix by DJ Lunaceptive features a song by her not on her album called Torch of Freedom which is amazing! So I did research and absolutely love her whole album. She's talented, beautiful, and conscious. What more can you ask for?!
My favorites are

Heaven or Hell

Stranger in this land

Let Go

and Sometimes Love

She's German, and I wish I knew German because she sounds great. Here's a song of hers in German called Sag´s Mir.

I have no idea what she said but didn't it sound great?

She also represents for her South African roots in the song Soweto '76-'06. There's an English version on her Album Born and Raised, but here's the video from the German version but with subtitles.

Color Quiz

2008-07-09T11:40:00.000-04:00

Surprisingly accurate

I took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test!

"Preoccupied with things of an intensely exciting n..."

Click here to read the rest of the results.

Jurnee, Jurnee, Jurnee

2008-07-09T00:18:00.007-04:00

I just watched the Great Debaters which was excellent by the way, but I was definitely distracted by the beauty that is Jurnee Smollett. You may remember her as the little girl from Eve's Bayou. This was her then

and this is her now

All I can say is DAMN she's beautiful! I may just have to invite her into my circle of Love. What is my circle of love you may ask? well its just the nice arrangement my many wives and I have, that allows us to all get along wonderfully.

Anyways more pictures of Jurnee is definitely required.

* now the pin up pic may not be the most progressive, but you can't deny how beautiful she looks*

Lenelle Moise

2008-07-03T01:10:00.003-04:00

So I was working on this post about how I'm tired of being the gay kid at home, but then I got onto youtube thanks to Evolving, looking at videos of Lenelle Moise and OH MY GOODNESS! I'm in love! She's wonderful! She's also Haitian which makes my bootleg Haitian self happy. So instead of finishing that post today I'm gonna post some wonderful vids of Lenelle Moise. Madivinez is my new favorite word and now officially the 2nd word I know in Creole .

baby on the way

2008-07-01T18:13:00.001-04:00

Right now I'm in the hospital with my cousin as she's getting induced. She's doing really well so far handling the pain and everything.
Now I know she's only 16 but people shouldn't assume she doesn't know what she's in for. This white male nurse comes in and talks to her like she's an idiot then he asks if she remembers the doctor that's going to induce her. He proceeds to describe her as "a Black girl". I was too through, but I tried to be calm for my cousin, but I was too aggravated. So now I'm waiting with my family for our newest member to arrive. Trying not to kill any one

Missing in Action

2008-06-27T22:41:00.003-04:00

So I've been a little MIA lately because so much has happened. I moved out of the hell that was my southern city. I defended my thesis...successfully? I have some major revisions to do but I haven't had the time/motivation. I'm also home finally! The move was a grueling 16 hour drive, it usually only takes about 13-14 but for some reason it took so much longer. I'm still in the process of unpacking which is taking longer than it needs to. This is partly due to the fact that I don't have any motivation to do anything besides play board games with my family. We've been playing monopoly, Life, Uno, Crazy eights and Bull Shit. I killed in Monopoly the first game, but then lost miserably, but its been fun playing with my little cousins and my sister. What's funny is that during life I was the only one who didn't land on a tile to have any children, figure the dyke is discriminated against lol.
My little cousin was due on tuesday so she's now 3 days over due and so ready for this baby to be born. I've gone to 2 appointments and seen her get a sonogram and hear the baby's heartbeat. It was pretty cool I was dancing to the heartbeat. I find it hard to believe that she's going to be a mother soon. She's only 16 but ready or not she's gonna be a mommy. The father has skipped out of the picture, he pops in every now and then but is nowhere near as involved as he claimed he was going to be. But, she's handling it well, she's gonna be a good mom. I going to be in the room when she delivers and I'm not sure how I feel about that, I don't really want to see all of that. I saw a video when I was in the 7th grade and it seriously made me want to reconsider having children, and now I'm at a point in my life where I'm not sure I want to have kids. I really like kids, but I'm definitely not in a place where I feel like I want to be responsible for another person, someone who is really depending on me for everything... that's scary. Anyway I'm slowly emerging from my family seclusion and should be posting more soon.

I'm done with Black Studies

2008-06-17T19:59:00.001-04:00

Not only am I done with Black studies but I'm done with Black solidarity. Let me explain what I mean, I'm not done with caring about and supporting my people but no longer will I do so at my own expense. For the past 2 years I have been pursuing a masters degree in Black Studies, and during these 2 years I have had to deal with a ridiculous amount of bias because not only am I a Black woman, but I'm also a lesbian.
My department tries to appear as if they're open and accepting towards non heterosexuals but they're not. I've had to fight just to pursue my research interest and when I produce this research I've had to work 10 times harder than anyone else to show that it is legitimate research. I've had to be the lone voice arguing against heterosexist scholars that we read, but I've also had to deal with harassment because at the time of my entry I was the only out person in the department. To my knowledge in the 5 years that the graduate program has existed I was the first openly queer student. The lack of Queer people in this department has made the faculty complacent in ignoring all issues regarding sexuality. So when it comes time for me to write my thesis and I want to investigate Black Butch Lesbians all I get is resistance. The chair who reluctantly agreed to chair my thesis knows nothing about gender theory, so I've received no critiques of my argument. She's been completely hostile and disorganized the entire time that I've been writing this damned thesis. I've had to listen to her berate me and my work while she's barely read any of it. But did I complain? No. Why? Because I wanted to support my black people and didn't want to cause a commotion, but I'm done with that. I'm tired of being silent because I didn't want to cause problems for Black people who could care less about me, which was evident by the way they treat me. I wish this was the first time that I've had to deal with shit like this, but no I've had to put up with this same shit from my cohort and an entire conference on Black Studies. A friend of mine presented on how a lot of Black women and Black Queer people have left Black studies to do their research in other departments because Black Studies is so hostile. I am about to join the rest of them because I'm tired, I don't think I can take the abuse anymore. I'm tired of being tokenized or ignored in the discipline that is supposed to represent me. I know women's studies can be just as hostile towards women of color - as evidenced by the whole Andrea Smith debacle- but I'm tired. It seems that while women's studies has a tendency to be very white it seems like they at least try to be more inclusive, while Black studies could care less. When I go to reapply to PhD programs at this point the only Black Studies PhD program I'll be applying to is Northwestern because they have a real demonstrated commitment to Queer people and doing research outside of the heteronormative box. So I'm done, I'm tired and I'm pissed! And when I'm finally done with this thesis process I'm complaining to the dean, because this can not continue.

I'm done with Black Studies

2008-06-17T19:59:00.000-04:00

The saturday from hell

2008-06-09T00:40:00.003-04:00

So I wake up saturday excited for a new day, I decided to make a real breakfast. I bought some cornbeef hash which reminded my of my childhood, hooked it up with some eggs and my famous homefries. I'm all excited my food is done and looks great. So instead of sitting at my dining room table i want to eat in my living room, so as I'm walking to the living room I trip over my mop and knock it further in my way. Then I smash my toes against the mop and it HURT like hell! I was like damn I banged my foot good, then I look at my toe and I see a little bruise that's growing and getting darker. Then I look at it and wonder has my middle toe always been a little crooked, I don't think so. I've also never had a stubbed toe hurt this much before. It hurts so bad I feel nautious and I feel like crying - I don't cry... EVER! -- but it hurt that bad. So being the rational 24 year old woman I am, I call my mommy. She agrees its probably broken, so I decide to go to the ER and have a professional look at it, I don't want to have a crooked toe forever. So I hobble to the bathroom shower and get dressed. Then I call for a cab, and the phone just rings and rings and rings. Then I find another number and finally get a cab to come. A few minutes later I get a call the cab is outside he's a little confused and tells me to come out. I walk outside and don't see a cab, then I look down the street and see it about a block away from my house. So I hobble down the block to this damn cab and I'm in pain and he wants to make conversation, clearly I'm not in the mood. I ask him to take me to the ER and this idiot takes me to another entrance so I have to walk through this damn hospital to get to the ER.
Fortunately I didn't have to wait long to be seen only about 30 mins. I don't know why when I have a broken to does everyone decide they want to walk me all over the damn hospital, but I have to walk to the most out of the way area. They check me out take me to get an X ray and this ass of an x ray tech needs to get a side view of my toe, so he needs to put a tongue depresser to push my toe up. At first he was gentle, and then for some reason he forgets he's xraying my toe because its most likely broken. This mother fucker starts wiggling my broken toe around like its a fucking piece of clay. I'm clutching the damn x ray table in an effort to not clutch his throat. Can someone please explain why he needed a little led vest while he was holding the tongue depresser from hell and I didn't get one. Anyway I finally get back to the exam room and they confirm my toe is broken and then they tell me that I get to have a fucking munster shoe and crutches. Then the nurse comes to figure out what size for this damn shoe and he feels the need to comment on how big my feet are, because that was fucking necessary! His ignorant country ass had the nerve to say woo doggie, that's a big foot. Who says shit like that! I'm finally free from this damn hospital, and I call the cab again. Now this cab couldn't come to the entrance I told them, no he had to park down a huge fucking slope, do you know how hard it is to manage crutches down a slope? So this is how I spent my wonderful saturday, now I feel trapped in my house. Because, walking too much hurts my toe, but I can't manage these damn crutches. So how was your weekend?

Look at my sexy new footwear

My Wifey Won!!

2008-06-07T21:39:00.004-04:00

MY WIFEY WON!!!

Thanks to all who voted, my wife Rose Rollins won the Downelink.com Hottest Down and out character!!!
Thank you all for ensuring continued marital bliss!

I have been kidnapped by Octavia Butler!

2008-06-07T00:51:00.007-04:00

I have been kidnapped by Octavia Butler!

Her words completely have me held captive. It all started out when I suggested that my friend read some of her works, for a summer read. She didn't start with the suggested Kindred, but instead went straight to Dawn. She was so into it that I had to pick it up. I was lucky enough to find the whole series neatly packaged in Lilith's Brood. I really liked Dawn, I liked Adulthood Rites but it turned out to be a little intense at times, but I devoured Imago. That was by far my favorite.

I already had Parable of the Sower and Fledgling in my house but hadn't gotten to them yet. But, after falling in love with the Xenogenesis trilogy I went and bought all the Octavia Butler I could find. I bought the Wild Seed and The parable of the Talents. After finishing Lilith's Brood/ Xenogenesis trilogy I dove into the Parable of the Sower and OH MY GOD! I can't put it down. I have to literally pull myself away from it, but its so hard I'm so completely enthralled by her words.
She's such an amazing writer! Its a shame she's passed on and once I finish her works there will be no more new ones. I've purposefully not told you anything about these books, because if you haven't read them then this is the best way to begin, without knowing any background. So don't walk but run and pick up everything she's written and sit back and enjoy. Also don't read the back of the book, which I know is only going to tempt you, but the back of Parable of the Sower gives away something you don't find out until halfway through the book.

Word on the street is that she was also a Lesbian, which from this picture, doesn't surprise me.

Yes I'm being stereotypical, but you know you were thinking it too!

I can't pull myself away from the Parable of the Sower any longer, so I'm going back to finish it.

Hot 100

2008-06-02T13:28:00.007-04:00

After Ellen's Hot 100 is finally up! My wife made a big jump and I'm very happy about that. She's not #1 like she should be, but she knows she's always #1 in my book.

I'm not feeling Tina Fey as #1 especially after her whole bitch is the new black bull shit. I also don't find her hot, but clearly a lot of other people do. However, Sara Ramirez made a big jump to #8 which is amazing and completely deserved. I was shocked that America Ferrera wasn't on the list this year.

So here are some of the women I voted for:

Rose Rollins aka My wife

I don't really need to go into again why she's HOT! Besides the fact that she really is beautiful, she's smart and funny and very down to earth. Also we're getting married duh!

America FerreraI was shocked she didn't make the list this year, she's beautiful! I love her even though she has poor taste in politicians. Last year she was 30 and she just fell off this year.

Sara RamirezBeautiful! Gay friendly! Now playing a Queer character, Sexy! Intelligent! The list goes on and on!

Olive Demetrius and Hanifah Walidah

Olive's shout out aside, they're amazing! Beautiful, intelligent really committed to the community. Made an amazing Documentary which I cited as much as I could remember in my thesis. They're just Great! They didn't make the list but they are included in the video commentary, which is hilarious.

Staceyann ChinShe is definitely beautiful! Completely bad ass, out spoken, opinionated and all around amazing!

Cathy DeBuonoI love Cathy, she has a great Vlog on AfterEllen where she gives out great advice. She's HOT! Rides a motorcycle and just seems like a great human being. Some haters on AE like to make some not so nice comments about her, but they're all crazy. She's AMAZING!!!

I'm famous ya'll

2008-05-29T19:35:00.003-04:00

Okay not really but you all know that I love U People and everything they do and faithfully watch their vlog. Well today's new vlog featured the amazing Zanele Muholi. I've posted about her before and she's just amazing. Anyways while I'm enjoying the wonderfulness that is Olive and Hanifah and Olive gives me a shout out! She mentioned me and I actually screamed in my apartment, it actually went more like OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! Lol So if you haven't already experienced the wonderfulness that is the U People click play below.

Also if you're in the NYC area you have to go to their Brooklyn Pride performance on June 12th. The other love of my life Staceyann Chin will be performing along with Hanifah and Shelley Nicole's Blakbushe. I've seen them both perform and you're in for an amazing performance go and watch me be incredible jealous. Click the pic for more info

Callica

2008-05-23T23:49:00.003-04:00

Okay I don't know if you can tell but Grey's Anatomy last night blew my mind!! Here's a wonderful fanvid put together. Yay Callica!!!

OH MY GOD!!!

2008-05-23T00:07:00.003-04:00

I was actually writing up a post about one of my other wives Mia Michaels, but I had to stop because OH SHIT!! Grey's Fucking Anatomy!!!

If you haven't seen the season finale yet you are missing out, it was amazing!! Spoilers ahead for those who don't want to know.

but Callie and Hahn!!!!!!!!! OH MY GOD!!! AMAZING!!! I really hope they keep this relationship up!!

Did you guys watch? What did you think? I loved every minute of the episode.

Sara Ramirez kissing another woman!!! Its too much for my heart to handle. Laura how are you doing?

edit:
I've added some pictures I've gotten from AfterEllen you should also go over their and read their more coherent recap.

10 million animals

2008-05-17T04:47:00.002-04:00

In an attempt to not blog about my recent bout of depression, I'm going to poll all my Queer female readers. What is it with same sex couples and pets? Now I am not a pet person, I'm more a plant person I have 6 plants and they all have names, Audre, Assata 2.0, Angela, Betty, Coretta and Frida. I'm pretty sure you can figure out where the names came from, but I pretty much watch anything with lesbians in it, because that's how I've found community, but all the reality shows where there's a lesbian coouple they always have like 10 million pets.. ok I'm exaggerating but you get the point. So here's my question, do you have pets? If so how many? And why all the damn animals?

Now don't get me wrong I like animals.... just not near me. For real though let me know.